


Perfect Disasters and Ever Afters

by paperstorm



Series: Ever After [1]
Category: Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2021-02-08 07:08:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 43,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21472030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperstorm/pseuds/paperstorm
Summary: Jared doesn’t know it at the time, but breaking up with Sandy changes him and breaking up with Genevieve just makes it worse. It pushes him closer to the best friend he’s had for more than three years but has just never really noticed before. When Jensen rents a cabin in Montana for a week, for just the two of them and the dogs, a night filled with stars and too much whiskey spins Jared’s life completely out of control in a way that neither he or Jensen are prepared to handle.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Series: Ever After [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1547746
Comments: 11
Kudos: 40
Collections: Supernatural and J2 Big Bang 2012





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> (Another back-dated Supernatural fic in my quest to complete my works here on AO3. Sorry MCU peeps)
> 
> Fic title and lyrics throughout are from the Marianas Trench album 'Ever After'.

===

_Once upon a time, this place was beautiful and mine_

===  
  
Jared’s breakup with Sandy, at the time, didn’t seem important. Well, that’s not entirely true, it was important in the way that a breakup is when you’ve been in a relationship with somebody for more than three years and engaged for one. It was horrible and exhausting and draining and heartbreaking and all those things that breakups are. It wasn’t the first botched relationship Jared had, and it wouldn’t be the last, but it was the most significant. It made him question everything; whether they’d been doomed from the start, whether he was capable of love at all, whether he was _worthy _of it, whether he was destined to always be alone. But it didn’t seem important in the way it actually was – at the time, Jared had no idea it would set up a chain of events that would, eventually, change his life forever.  
  
That’s how it happens with these things, he supposes. You never know the moment that your life takes a turn until you look back on it years later and realize how different things could have been if you’d chosen a different path. He was lucky, in the end. Some people look back on their life and regret their decisions, but Jared looks back on his with only relief and thankfulness and absolute certainty that he made the right choices, even if they didn’t feel that way in the moment.  
  
Sandy was everything he’d spent his whole life thinking he wanted. She was beautiful; she had warm, inviting brown eyes and a dazzling smile and a small, lithe body that made him weak in the knees. She was sweet and funny and smart and talented. She loved dogs – she loved _his_ dogs. She was uninhibited and goofy; she could make him laugh. She was a strong woman, she was sharp as a tack and she didn’t take crap from anybody, but she still made him feel like a man. She’d still lean against his chest and snuggle into his arms and make him feel like he was special and important and needed. She was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, the person he wanted by his side for all of life’s trials and tribulations.  
  
At least, he thought so at the time. When things turned sour, Jared was as surprised as anybody and he had no idea how to handle it. Sure, there’d been a few minor arguments in the course of their relationship, but no more than normal. For the most part, their time together had been a fairy tale. He proposed to her in Paris, and it had felt so right. He’d felt like he had his entire life in front of him, and he was so excited to dive into it. Kids, PTA meetings, a house with a white picket fence – Jared wanted it all. But then, out of seemingly nowhere, everything went south. To this day, he doesn’t even completely understand why. Maybe everything started changing the day she guest-starred on Supernatural. Jared had been excited to work with her, he thought it would be fun. She was only there for one day, her scene was short and they wrapped it up pretty quickly, but she decided to stick around for a day or two to watch him work. He doesn’t know exactly what it was she saw as she watched him play out a scene with Jensen, but whatever it was, it changed everything.  
  
She grew cold and distant, she wouldn’t return his calls for a week sometimes and then when she did she wasn’t apologetic at all about leaving him hanging. This was around the time he bought the house in a Vancouver suburb, having grown tired of hotels. It had a big master bedroom on the second floor, plenty of closet space for her, and a great backyard for Harley and Sadie to play in. It had high ceilings and lots of open space on the first floor where he thought they could have friends over every weekend. It was the home he thought they’d both live in once they were married, but she never showed any interest in being there with him, even for a weekend. Jared tried, for almost six months he tried, but nothing he did made anything any better. So after a grueling half-year of fighting and distance and petty squabbles that were about nothing but somehow meant everything, Jared finally gave up and called it quits. He couldn’t do it anymore. He’d always heard when a relationship was right it was easy, and his with Sandy wasn’t anymore. It wasn’t even close. He’d been so sure she was the one, but they never got their fairy tale ending.  
  
It was the right decision, he knew that even then, but it wounded him in a way he never had been before. Jared has always been the sort of person to wear his heart on his sleeve, and up until that point he’d never really understood why most people didn’t. Afterwards, he knew exactly why – it hurt too damn much to put yourself out there completely and have someone toss your heart into the trash as they leave. He felt lost without her, he felt like he didn’t know how to be himself anymore without her in his life. But then, there was Jensen. They’d worked together for almost three years at that point; they’d become fast friends the day they met and best friends within the first month, but they never connected quite like they did until Sandy wasn’t in the picture anymore.  
  
Jared remembers as clear as crystal the night they broke up. They did it over the phone, because they were, as always, thousands of miles away from each other and Jared just couldn’t stand to linger in that weird together-but-not limbo for another whole month before he’d have the time to fly to L.A. and end it in person. He knew it was kind of a shitty thing to do, ending a three year relationship over the phone, but he had to do it like a Band-Aid. The truth was, Sandy had, at one time, been Jared’s best friend. He still cared about her, even though he knew they weren’t right for each other anymore. And if he didn’t do it right then, he would have chickened out. He might have even given in and married her anyway, and that wouldn’t have been fair to either of them.  
  
It was probably the worst hour of his life, that phone call. They both yelled and cried and said things they didn’t mean and blamed each other for things that weren’t really anyone’s fault. It was exhausting, like running a marathon twice, and by the time it was over, Jared really didn’t think his body had any tears left to cry. That is, until Jensen came over. He’d been out that night, Jared doesn’t remember where, and by the time he got to the house it had been at least another few hours that Jared had been sitting alone in the living room, in the dark, just wallowing in the numbness that comes immediately after a life changing event before everything’s had time to really sink all the way in.  
  
“Dude, why’re all the lights off?” Jensen had asked offhandedly, glancing at Jared briefly and then on the second take, noticing the look on Jared’s face. “Wha – Jared? What happened?”  
  
Jared doesn’t remember ever feeling like he might be having a heart attack more than he did in that moment. His whole chest just felt like it was being crushed; compressed so tight in a vacuum sealed container that he couldn’t even convince his mouth to create words. He just dissolved back into tears, horrible, wretched sobs that shook him right down to his toes.  
  
Jensen mumbled, “Fuck,” and dropped to his knees between Jared’s legs, pushing himself up into Jared’s space and sliding his arms around Jared’s back, pulling him in close. He whispered soft shushing noises into Jared’s ear and pet through his hair, holding him tight and just letting him break down. Eventually, Jared managed to choke out what had happened, and Jensen just held him tighter and kept them in that position, Jared hunched over and leaning against Jensen and Jensen’s arms snug around him, until Jared’s back was sore and Jensen’s scrunched up legs must have been beyond asleep.  
  
Jensen was his rock. He was there when Jared needed him, usually without even having to be asked. He guided Jared patiently though their scenes together as Sam and Dean; taking the lead when he knew Jared couldn’t. He sat with Jared in his living room in the middle of the night and held Jared close as he cried. He took Jared out for drinks when he needed to get his mind off things. He made Jared laugh when he’d forgotten how. And when Jared mentioned he was thinking about selling the house because he couldn’t bear to be there alone, Jensen offered to move in. The truth is, Jensen saved him. Saved him from his consuming loneliness, saved him from his crippling feelings of failure, saved him from sinking so far into his own head that he might have never come out again. Jensen’s presence in Jared’s home brought light and joy and laughter back into his life when he’d been all but certain they were gone for good.  
  
Their friendship was kind of amazing. They really quickly became everything to each other. Co-dependence took on a whole new meaning. Jared learned that Jensen didn’t speak in full sentences or see in color until he had his coffee in the morning, and he learned exactly how to make it so Jensen would moan and his eyes would flutter closed when he took that first sip. Jensen learned that Jared was even more touchy-feely than he’d previously thought, and he started accepting the fact that Jared liked to snuggle on the couch while they watched sports or Wheel Of Fortune. Jared learned that Jensen loved Owen Wilson movies and European beer and olives on his pizza. Jensen learned that Harley was a big, cuddly sap at heart, even though he pretended to be tough, and that Sadie was sharper and more intuitive and sensitive than most humans.  
  
Jared began feeling incomplete whenever he had to spend a few days away from Jensen. He was incredible. Jared knew that already, but in the months following his breakup with Sandy it really came into a new light. Jensen was quiet and private and maybe a little standoffish on the surface, but underneath it all he was funny and lively and almost bubbly. His smile was contagious, bright and effervescent and thousand-watt, it lit up his whole face. His eyes were an intoxicating shade of moss-green; and they were big and round and sparkly and sometimes Jared got lost in them and found it nearly impossible to look away. His laugh was like beautiful music that Jared couldn’t stop listening to. Jared never wanted to be away from him, he wanted to spend the rest of his life within reaching distance of the man who made him feel things he never thought he’d feel. He made Jared realize how beautiful life was all over again.  
  
It was strange – it wasn’t like Jared didn’t know all those things about Jensen already, he just had never realized how important they were. It’s not like he and Jensen weren’t friends before they were roommates too, because they were. They connected so well as Sam and Dean because of it. Kripke said all the time that their chemistry was sometimes the only thing that kept the show afloat. Jensen was the best friend he’d ever had. They went out for drinks after work, Jensen tagged along when Jared took his dogs to the park on Sundays; they spent almost every spare minute together, actually. But all the little things that made Jensen wonderful, they all just stood out more once Jared was around him twenty-four/seven.  
  
The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, how grumpy he was in the mornings until he’d completely woken up, what a good cook he was, that he had almost zero tolerance for Jared’s other best friend, Chad, but put up with him anyway for Jared’s sake, the way his voice would go small and sad and lonely when he talked on the phone with his mom, how adorable he was when he fell asleep on the couch and Jared had to practically carry him to his bed, the old worn Budweiser t-shirt he’d wear on laundry days that was so thin it was a light breeze away from disintegrating. Jared had always liked Jensen, but these were the things that made Jared love him.  
  
For a long time, everything was good. They fell into a little routine – work, watch TV, walk the dogs, work, sleep, eat, work, exercise, work – and for a good while, Jared was really happy. It got to the point where he was content, complacent even, to live that way forever and hope nothing ever changed. So when Jensen mentioned the fact that he’d been seeing someone, it really threw Jared. He slipped it casually into the conversation like it was no big deal at all; they were watching Jeopardy, huddled on the couch together like they always did. Jensen was on his back and Jared was on his stomach, lying between Jensen’s legs with his head pillowed on Jensen’s chest – looking back, that was probably strange for two people who claimed to be _just friends_, but at the time Jared didn’t realize that – when Jensen said he’d been out a few times with a woman named Danneel Harris, who he’d known forever but Jared had only met a few times. Jared played his part well, he nodded and smiled and said “That’s great, Jen!” like a best friend should, but he was left with a sticky feeling in his gut that he didn’t like one bit.  
  
Here’s the thing. It’s not like Jared thought he and Jensen were dating or something. Of course they weren’t, they were two guys and they were both straight so that wouldn’t make any sense. But they did have something really special; something _rare_, something most people spend their whole lives searching for and never find. So Jensen venturing into a new relationship, where Jared should have been happy for his friend, all it really did was remind Jared that what he had with Jensen wasn’t permanent. Supernatural couldn’t run forever, at some point it had to end and he wouldn’t get to see Jensen every day anymore. And eventually, he too would find a new someone to replace Sandy and they’d fall in love and get married and he and Jensen would go their separate ways. It was a fact of life; it shouldn’t have been a surprise to Jared, but for whatever reason it was. And it made him irreparably sad.  
  
He asked Genevieve out because it was uncomplicated. She was nice, she laughed a lot and worked hard and seemed energetic enough to keep up with him, and she was definitely interested in him. Physically, she was more or less a carbon copy of Sandy, but Jared pretended not to notice that because he didn’t like what it probably said about his mental state. Genevieve was maybe a little shorter than Sandy was, her gaze was more intense and her features weren’t as soft, so if Jared let his eyes slip out of focus just a bit, he could pretend she wasn’t just a plastic replacement for the girl he’d loved and lost.  
  
Looking back, it was a pretty miserable way to live, but Jared didn’t know that then. It’s easy to convince yourself you want something when it’s a thing you’re sure you _should_ want. His relationship with Genevieve was fine. He did like her, he really did, they were actually good together and in another life they could have been perfect for each other. But she wasn’t his one. She didn’t light him up inside.  
  
He stuck it out with her for the whole season, though, and into their break after they were done shooting, even though Jensen pretending to plunge a knife through Genevieve’s – _Ruby’s_ – chest felt oddly metaphoric to Jared. It felt like the end of more than just one story, and he should have trusted that instinct and broken up with her then and there, while they were still on neutral ground in Vancouver. As it was, he let her talk him into going to San Francisco with her to meet her parents. It was a catastrophe. Everyone spent the weekend saying words like _marriage_ and _kids_ and _get an apartment together_, and while those were all things Jared wanted, it quickly became brutally clear that he didn’t want them with her. He left before their visit was scheduled to be over, and a week later in L.A. she held his hand and nodded patiently as he told her they were finished.  
  
She was upset, but she didn’t seem all that surprised. There was even a soft, knowing smile on her face, like maybe she knew, even then. Maybe she’d already figured out what Jared hadn’t, even though he’d spent four years with it staring him right in the face.  
  
It happens that way sometimes. Sometimes you have to be beat over the head with something or you’ll never notice it’s there. So in the end, Jared was lucky. Lucky that he _was _beat over the head with it, even if it happened three and a half years later than maybe it should have. But still, better late than never. Better to get it and then shake his head and ask himself how he could’ve been so blind for so long, than to have his happily ever after pass him by while he’s looking the other way.  
  
===

_We go marching in like toy soldiers_

===


	2. Part 1

===

_Shallow graves where I can keep it safe_  
_For hideaway, for just in case_

===  
  
The sharp, shrill ringing sound startles him; Jared looks up in surprise from the newspaper he’d been staring blankly at rather than actually reading, and it takes him a few moments to figure out what the offensively loud noise is. When his brain stops being an idiot and remembers what a _cell phone _is, Jared jumps up and clumsily fumbles for the little black device, buzzing on the countertop next to the glass of water he’d forgotten to bring with him to the table. Jared doesn’t know _where_ his head is at lately. Sure, it’s only been a few days since his breakup with Genevieve, but it’s not like he’s _that_ upset about it. In any case, it’s no excuse for the stupor he’s sunk into or the way he’s been walking around in a daze like half of his brain-cells all packed up and left on the same day.  
  
“Hello?” he answers, his voice coming out scratchy and dry like he hasn’t used it in days. Actually, come to think of it, he probably hasn’t. He’s become something of a hermit of late, closing himself off to the world and staying tucked away in the safe little cocoon of his apartment.  
  
“Jay! _Fuck_, man, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you forever!” comes the exuberant reply, too loud in Jared’s ear even though he doesn’t have a headache. Yet.  
  
“Hey Jensen,” he replies weakly.  
  
“Jesus, Jared, I was worried about you! It was like you dropped off the face of the earth! Seriously, if you hadn’t picked up this time I was gonna call your parents and make sure you hadn’t, like, died or something and just no one thought to tell me!”  
  
Jared frowns; pulls his Blackberry away from his ear for a second so he can check the little number beside the envelope icon, and yep, fifteen new messages. Apparently he was even more brain-dead these last few days than he thought he was. “Sorry,” he mumbles apologetically. “I, uh, had my ringer turned off, I guess. Didn’t know you were callin’.”  
  
Jensen blows out an exasperated breath that sends static across the line, and Jared can just picture him rolling his eyes and running his hand over his forehead. “Don’t _do_ that to me! I was really startin’ to freak out over here! What’s going on, did something happen?”  
  
“No, just … I don’t know. Just tired or something, I guess,” Jared lies, really not up for getting into the whole thing with Genevieve right now. It’s too fresh, and Jared isn’t entirely sure how he feels about it yet. But Jensen instantly sees through him like Jared should have known he would.  
  
“Well that’s a load of crap,” he says, the tone of his voice a strange mixture of irritation and fondness. “You know I know you better then that.”  
  
“It’s really nothing,” Jared insists, even though he’s probably not fooling Jensen for a second. He’s not sure why he’s even bothering, he just really doesn’t feel like talking about everything just yet. “Late night, that’s all. Chad dragged me out to this stupid bar, wouldn’t let me leave.”  
  
“Jared,” Jensen says, slowly and patiently, and Jared knows he’s not buying the excuses. “I know you, okay? I know your tired and hungover voice, and that’s not it. That’s your ‘I’m upset but I don’t want to bring everyone else down’ voice. So c’mon, what’s up? Is it something with your family? With Gen?”  
  
Jared doesn’t answer, but evidently his silence is all the answer Jensen needs.  
  
“Shit,” he mutters. There’s a metallic scrape in the background that sounds like a chair being pulled out, and then a soft thump that sounds like Jensen sitting down. “What happened?”  
  
“We broke up,” Jared answers.  
  
“What?” Jensen groans. “Aw, man. That really sucks. M’sorry.”  
  
Jared shrugs, and then when he realizes Jensen can’t hear a shrug, he says, “It’s okay. It was my decision, I just … I don’t know. It wasn’t right, you know? She wasn’t – well, whatever. I’m alright, so.”  
  
“Yeah.” Jensen clicks his tongue sympathetically. “Still though, I’m really sorry. I hate that you’re there alone, I wish I could be there.”  
  
Jared really wishes that too, but not just because he broke up with Genevieve. “You’re still in Miami for another couple days, right?”  
  
“Only two, thank god,” Jensen laughs humorlessly. “It’s awful here, Jare. It’s so fricken hot, and I’m all freckly ‘cause of the sun, I look like a farm boy or something. And Danni got a sunburn at the beach yesterday and I laughed at her and now she’s pissed at me.”  
  
Jared chuckles; it’s the first time he’s even cracked a smile in at least two weeks and it feels strange and foreign on his face, but it also feels good. “Why’d you laugh?”  
  
“Cause she looked ridiculous, man! All red like a tomato, and then when she got mad she got even redder! I couldn’t help it, it was funny.”  
  
Jared shakes his head fondly, still grinning from ear to ear. “Open mouth, insert foot, huh?”  
  
“Totally!” Jensen snickers. “But whatever. I mean she’s, you know. Chicks are crazy. I’ll take her out for a nice dinner tonight and spew some cheesy crap like that she’s always beautiful to me, and she’ll forgive me in a heartbeat. She’s easy like that.”  
  
“Nice,” Jared snorts. “You’re such a romantic.”  
  
“I am Casanova himself when it’s gonna get me laid,” Jensen agrees with another flippant laugh. “But anyway, listen. The reason I’m calling is, I’ve barely seen you since we wrapped up and I miss you like crazy! Danni thinks I need to get my head checked, says she doesn’t know how I’m not sick of you after spending like six months all up in each other’s space, but I’m not! All I’ve been going on about is ‘oh, Jared would like this’ or ‘I can’t wait to tell Jared that’, I think it’s driving her nuts.”  
  
He’s not sure why, he’s not sure he even wants to go there, but Jared’s heart does this funny little flutter at Jensen’s words. “Yeah, I … I miss you too.”  
  
“Good. So guess what I did.”  
  
“Do you actually want me to guess?”  
  
“No, ‘cause you’d never get it. I rented us a cabin, in Montana. For five days, the week before we start filming again.”  
  
Jared pauses, frowning and trying to work out whether he heard that right. “You … what? What kind of cabin?”  
  
“You know, like a hunting lodge. Like one of those old-timey log-houses, way out in the forest and shit.”  
  
He definitely heard right this time, but it still isn’t making much sense. “For what? What’re we gonna do there?”  
  
“I don’t know, like, woodsy stuff!” Jensen replies, the huge smile on his face apparent even thousands of miles away and over the phone. “We’ll go fishing, hunting maybe, if we can get licenses.”  
  
“You wanna go hunting?” Jared asks skeptically.  
  
“Dude, we play two of the most manly, burly, super badass guys on TV! Just once in our lives we should at least _pretend_ to be half as cool as they are! And hey, if it turns out hunting sucks, we can just hang out. Play poker, watch shitty movies. Get hammered around a campfire.”  
  
Jared has to laugh out loud at that. “You rented us a cabin in the woods so we can get hammered? We could get hammered at home!”  
  
“Oh for fuck’s sake, would you stop being such a downer?” Jensen snaps, that playfully exasperated edge to his voice again. “We’re going! It’ll be great. You can bring the dogs, they’ll love it.”  
  
He’s still not sure how he feels about this plan, or where the hell it came from because he’s known Jensen for four years and he’s never once mentioned an interest in camping or fishing or anything like that, but Jared’s not going to pass up the opportunity to spend some time alone with Jensen in a place where no one can get to them. Being alone with Jensen and his dogs is one of Jared’s favorite things to do.  
  
“Yeah. Okay, that sounds awesome,” he says. “Can’t wait.”  
  
“Good. Hold on – what?” Jensen calls to someone in the background, presumably Danneel. “Okay, be right there! Jare, I gotta go.”  
  
“’Kay.”  
  
“Listen, though, I’m sorry, I kinda brushed passed your whole thing with Genevieve and took over the conversation,” Jensen adds, gentler now. “But I could totally call back later if you wanna talk more about what happened.”  
  
“No, it’s … I’m fine,” Jared promises. “I mean, it hasn’t been the best week of my life, but I really am okay about it.”  
  
“I mean it,” Jensen pushes. “I know breaking up sucks, I know you really liked her. So I’m here, whatever you need.”  
  
“I’ll tell you everything when I see you, alright? Go have fun with Danni. Say hi for me.”  
  
“Sure. Bye Jared.”  
  
“Bye Jensen.”  
  
===

_Nobody told you this is gonna fold you_

===  
  
Jensen is just breathtaking. There’s no two ways about it. Regardless of the fact that he’s a man and Jared’s straight, Jensen is quite possibly the most classically beautiful person Jared’s ever seen. He’s all big, bright eyes and adorable freckles and perfect bone-structure and a dazzling smile. Sometimes it’s almost impossible to look away. Jared already knows this, of course, has known it every day for the last four years, but even still it hits him hard sometimes when he hasn’t seen his friend for an extended period of time. It’s one of the only perks of being away from Jensen – getting to come back to him.  
  
He knew Jensen would already be there in the baggage claim area of the airport in Bozeman; Jensen’s flight was scheduled to arrive a half hour before Jared’s, and as he steps onto the escalator leading down from the arrival gate, he does a quick scan of the small room and his eyes quickly acquire their target. Jensen’s standing against the far wall, a large black suitcase by his side, with his arms folded across his chest and his legs crossed at the ankle. He’s wearing dark sunglasses like he always does when they’re in a public place, and the way he’s standing so nonchalantly and away from the high-traffic areas tells Jared he’s doing his best to disappear into his surroundings, but Jared could pick him out of even the densest crowd.  
  
His face breaks into a smile even before Jensen notices him back, and then his grin widens when the other man _does_ catch sight of him. Jensen’s whole demeanor changes – he goes instantly from bored and staring into space to lit-up and excited. He smiles so big it’s practically blinding even from all the way across the room, and he gives Jared a cute, awkward little wave that makes Jared laugh. The people in front of him on the escalator give him a funny look over their shoulders, but Jared barely notices. If he could, he’d readily bowl them all over and run down the rest of the moving stairs. As it is, he can’t help bouncing a little on the balls of his feet in his impatience to get to his friend.  
  
When he _finally_ makes it to ground level and crosses the room in quick, exaggerated strides and throws himself into Jensen’s arms, it feels more like coming home than he’d like to admit. Jensen grunts and then laughs – Jared probably knocked the wind out of him a little – but then he tosses his arms around Jared’s neck and hugs him back just as tight. Jared loves to hug people, Jensen especially, and he hates that stupid, macho, one-armed way guys are supposed to hug each other. He likes to wrap someone up in his arms and hold on for as long as they’ll let him. Jensen is one of the only people Jared knows who indulges him that, but this time Jared even goes to pull away after a few seconds but Jensen doesn’t let go. So Jared slides his arms back around Jensen’s middle and leans down to bury his face in Jensen’s neck. He inhales deeply and sighs happily – he’s aware that people are probably staring at them and if they’ve been recognized then there’ll be pictures of this ridiculous hug all over the internet tomorrow – but Jensen smells amazing and familiar and Jared’s finding it really difficult to concentrate on anything else.  
  
“_God_, I missed you,” Jensen murmurs into his ear, before finally pulling away and pushing his sunglasses onto the top of his head so he can blink up into Jared’s eyes. “I’m so sorry about Genevieve, man. I _really_ hated that I couldn’t be there with you.”  
  
For half a second, Jared actually doesn’t know what Jensen’s talking about. The smell of Jensen’s skin and the warmth of his embrace temporarily erased everything else from Jared’s brain. But then he remembers the breakup, and then feels even worse that he forgot about it in the first place, even if it was just for a second. Sometimes Jensen has that power over him; sometimes Jensen’s voice or touch or smile makes it impossible for Jared to think about anything else.  
  
“It’s okay. And I missed you too. So how far away are these cabins? Are we gonna rent a car, or what?” he says, doing his best to change the subject and hoping Jensen will go for it. It’s not like Jared didn’t care at _all_ about losing Genevieve, he isn’t _that_ cold. He’d been in a real slump, he’d even cried about it a little, although it was nowhere near as traumatic as his breakup with Sandy. But it’s over now and it’s in the past and he doesn’t want to spend a single second of his week alone with Jensen dwelling on it.  
  
Jensen raises an eyebrow just slightly and eyes Jared for a moment, but then he nods. “Yeah, I did all that already while I was waiting for you. Got us a Jeep, in case we wanna go off-roading or something.”  
  
“Awesome!” Jared exclaims.  
  
Jensen smiles a little, like Jared’s enthusiasm is contagious. Then he lets his sunglasses slip back onto his nose and nods toward the baggage carousel. “C’mon, then. Let’s get your bag and pick up the dogs and get outta here.”  
  
===  
  
Sadie yips happily as they pull out of the rental car parking lot, like she’s a buzzer signaling the official start of their vacation. It’s probably not a coincidence – Jared knows she’s just a dog, but sometimes he swears she’s smarter than he is.  
  
He twists around as much as his seatbelt will let him and looks back at his dogs on the backseat. “Excited, baby?”  
  
She answers by barking and sort of jumping up and down on the seat, while Harley snorts and rests his head down on his paws like she’s annoying him by making so much noise. Jared laughs out loud, and Jensen chuckles quietly in the driver’s seat.  
  
“They’re like you and me,” he comments, shaking his head fondly. “Sadie’s all bouncy and excitable, and Harley’s all ‘shut up, I’m trying to sleep’.”  
  
“Hey, I happen to enjoy life! It’s not my fault you’re just a Grumposaurus,” Jared snickers, and cuffs Jensen on the shoulder.  
  
“Dude! No hitting the driver!” Jensen complains. “I’d like to get us there in one piece if it’s all the same to you.”  
  
“You totally just proved my point. Grumpzilla.”  
  
Jared grins cheekily when Jensen glares at him, and then Jensen huffs affectionately and rolls his eyes.  
  
“Yeah, okay, whatever you say. So listen … are you sure you’re alright?” Jensen asks slowly.  
  
Jared chews on his bottom lip before answering. He really should have known they’d get back to this eventually. “I … yeah.”  
  
“’Cause we’ve got a little ways to go before we get there, we could … I mean, I get why you didn’t wanna talk about it in the middle of the airport. But we could now, if you want.”  
  
Jensen’s just trying to be nice, trying to be a good friend and it warms Jared’s heart a little, even if it also unnerves him how well Jensen knows him.  
  
“Only if you want to. I’m not gonna push if you don’t,” Jensen adds gently.  
  
“There’s really not much to say,” Jared replies, shrugging listlessly and dropping his hands down to his lap. “We just … we weren’t right for each other. I think deep down I probably always knew that, but I didn’t want to believe it.”  
  
Jensen nods understandingly. “So what happened?”  
  
“Our visit with her parents.”  
  
“What about it?”  
  
“I don’t even really know,” Jared admits. “It just felt like this really big step, the whole ‘meeting the parents’ thing, and I guess … I guess it made me realize that I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with her.”  
  
“Huh. Well, that’s too bad. Guess not everybody can be ‘the one’, though, right?” Jensen muses.  
  
“Yeah. How’re things with you and Danneel?”  
  
“They’re …” Jensen sighs heavily, and when Jared glances over, his friend looks almost pained. “They’re fine.”  
  
“Just fine?”  
  
“I dunno, man. It’s not like things are _bad_. We have a good time together, I mean she’s a really cool girl. Well, except for when she’s being a nutcase, but I think that’s a chick thing, I don’t think it’s specific to Danni. And she’s smokin’ hot.”  
  
“So then what’s the problem?” Jared asks, trying with everything he has in him to sound concerned and not let it show that he’s almost _happy_ things aren’t going well with Jensen and his girlfriend. He has no idea why; it _shouldn’t_ make him happy, but for whatever reason it does.   
  
“It just … it doesn’t feel like I think it should, you know?” Jensen explains, gripping the steering wheel tighter. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure what it is that’s missing. It just feels like there’s this extra _something_ that should be there, but it isn’t. Sometimes I wonder …”  
  
“What?”  
  
“It’s dumb,” Jensen mutters.  
  
“Tell me anyway,” Jared presses.  
  
Jensen shifts a little in his seat like he’s uncomfortable. He’s never had an easy time talking about things like this, but he always tries with Jared. “I wonder if maybe I don’t love her. I tell her I do, but that’s because she says it first and I always feel like I have to say it back. But I don’t know if I actually mean it. Sometimes I think maybe I don’t.”  
  
Jared nods. He doesn’t know what to say, so he settles for leaning back in his seat and staring idly out the window. He doesn’t know why, isn’t sure he even _wants_ to know why, but Jensen’s words have his heart fluttering in his chest while his extremities go oddly numb. It’s a strange feeling – one he’s quite sure he’s never felt before, and he doesn’t know at all what it means or how to deal with it. The answer feels out of reach, like in a dream when the object you require is just an inch beyond your grasp but you’re cemented to the floor and you can’t get to it. It’s unsettling, to say the least, and it leaves him dizzy and disoriented and confused.  
  
Jared only lasts another minute or two in the uncomfortable silence, and then he flicks the radio on and they don’t speak again for the rest of the drive.  
  
===

_Another day on the assembly line_

===  
  
The cabin is really beautiful. It should be in a magazine, it’s so picturesque. It’s almost completely wooden; cedar, maybe, Jared isn’t completely sure, but it’s a mixture of a pioneer log cabin and a Colorado ski-lodge. The architecture is A-frame, which is amazing because it’s all windows and Jared loves that. He’d like to think Jensen picked this place on purpose, because he knew how much Jared likes windows and solid wood floors. It’s a great cross-section between quaint and striking, sweet and rough.  
  
The inside looks like something out of the redneck issue of _House & Home_. It’s completely wooden too, even the furniture, and there are unloaded hunting rifles and deer heads mounted all over the walls. That part freaks Jared out just a little – he’s never understood the appeal of cutting off an animal’s head and sticking it on a wall, and he feels a little like their dead eyes are watching him – but all in all it just adds to the general ambience and mostly he likes it. The main floor is like a kitchen/living room/TV-room all in one but it’s been well kept and the appliances all look new, and then there’s a loft upstairs that has two really comfortable looking double beds.  
  
It’s pretty incredible, actually. Jared doesn’t know how Jensen found this place, but he has to give his friend credit. There are four other cabins like this one on the lot, but they’re spaced out enough that they can’t see them. The one Jensen got them, number three, is nestled into this beautiful little patch of woods on a hilly riverbank. It looks like a postcard. The river is just in front of them – it’s small and fairly still, more a creek than a river really, but being near water makes the whole thing seem that much more perfect. There’s a dock – not that they’re going to be swimming, it’s only June and the water would still be freezing here – and there’s a fire pit on the shore so they can even get drunk around a campfire like Jensen wanted to.  
  
But it’s strange. The place is so charming and so isolated, it feels like the sort of place Jared would have gone with Sandy, intending to hike and bird-watch and whatever else girls like to do in the woods, and then end up just spending the whole week in bed together. It feels like the sort of place you go with a lover, not a friend, and the thought stirs something awake in Jared’s chest and makes him frown.  
  
“What?” Jensen asks, noticing the look on Jared’s face. “You don’t like it?”  
  
“Huh?” Jared answers stupidly. “No, I – sorry. Was just thinkin’ about something else. The place is great.”  
  
Jensen doesn’t look entirely convinced, so Jared smiles and claps him on the back.  
  
“Seriously, Jen, it’s amazing. For a second I thought I forgot to lock my front door, but then I remembered that I did,” he lies quickly. He isn’t lying about the place being amazing, but Jensen looked like he needed a better explanation for why Jared went quiet for a moment, and thankfully he seems happy enough with the one Jared gave him.  
  
“It’s cool, right?” he agrees, his voice timidly hopeful and entirely adorable. “We don’t get to spend a ton of time just you and me, there’s always a million people around. This is gonna be fun.”  
  
“Unless we get sick of each other,” Jared points out, and Jensen laughs.  
  
“Always possible. Don’t worry, I’ll tie you to the canoe in the middle of the night and set you adrift if you annoy me too much,” Jensen jokes.  
  
“Aw, thanks. Love you too, sweetheart.” Jared pokes Jensen in the ribs, and he squirms away from it, winking at Jared and then sliding open the screen door and jogging down the slope to meet Sadie and Harley at the riverbank.  
  
Jared leans against the window frame and watches with a smile as Jensen goofs around with his dogs. They love Jensen, especially Sadie, and Jensen loves them back almost as much as Jared does. Harley barks and chases Jensen in circles; Jensen tries to get away from him, but Harley’s too quick. He pounces on Jensen like a tiger, knocking him over and onto the grass, and then they both pile on top of him. Jensen protests and tries to shove them off, but he’s laughing, loud and happy and free. Jared hasn’t heard him laugh like that in a long time. He closes his eyes and just listens to it for a minute, lets the rich, joyful sound warm him from the inside out.  
  
When he opens his eyes again, Jensen’s sitting up but both dogs are still sort of draped over his lap. He’s scratching Sadie behind the ears and he’s talking to them, Jared can’t hear what he’s saying from this far away, but there’s a fond smile on Jensen’s face and it makes Jared’s heart do that funny little flip again. He really needs to figure out what that is, it’s starting to bother him because he feels like he _should_ know; almost feels like maybe he’s felt it before but has just forgotten.  
  
===

_I’m well aware this should remain unspoken_

===  
  
The next day, they actually do go fishing. Jared wasn’t sure if they would, or if they’d end up talking about it but never getting around to it. But they do – Jensen wakes up early, which is completely unheard of unless they have an early call time, and he makes the coffee and breakfast for what Jared thinks is possibly the first time ever. And then while Jared’s showering, Jensen wrestles the canoe out of this little shed around back, and gets it all set up with paddles and lifejackets and fishing gear that Jared has no idea where he got. Jensen actually kind of knows what he’s doing, it turns out. He knows how to steer a canoe, he knows how to bait a hook, he even knows which lures work for which kinds of fish. Jared’s really impressed, even though Jensen shrugs it off and says he went fishing with his dad a few times as a kid.  
  
They don’t catch much, but they have a really good time trying. It’s a warm day and it isn’t windy so the water is almost completely calm. It’s peaceful, the gentle trickle of the water as their paddles pass through it, the smell of fresh air, the faint twittering of birds. They see a deer, close to them on the shore, drinking from the river. They stay quiet enough that it doesn’t run away the second it sees them, they actually get to watch it for a few minutes before it scampers off into the trees. It’s a lot more fun than Jared would’ve thought; exploring and eating junk food and chatting easily with Jensen. He hadn’t really realized exactly how much he’d missed Jensen in their time apart until right then.  
  
“So tell me something,” Jensen says, casually stretching his legs out in front of him and leaning back in his seat, elbows braced on the frame of the canoe.  
  
“Okay. What?”  
  
“Something about you, something no one else knows.”  
  
“There’s not much about me you don’t already know,” Jared chuckles.  
  
“Well, we’ll see, won’t we? Okay, how about … did you always want to be an actor?”  
  
“Not really.” Jared shrugs. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a farmer.”  
  
Jensen tips his head back and laughs. “A _farmer_? What kind of kid dreams about being a farmer?”  
  
“I don’t know! Me, I guess,” Jared answers, grinning. “I was really into it, though, seriously. I really liked tractors. I had all these model John Deere combines and plows and stuff. My grandpa used to take us to this agricultural fair, I loved it.”  
  
Jensen shakes his head, his eyes sparkling with laughter. “That’s ridiculous.”  
  
“Well what did you wanna be?”  
  
“A movie star!” Jensen pronounces. “Far back as I can remember. My mom loved movies from the forties, we always used to watch, like, Gone With The Wind and Casablanca and The Maltese Falcon. I wanted to be Humphrey Bogart, ‘cause he got all the girls.”  
  
“That really doesn’t surprise me at all,” Jared comments.  
  
“So who’s your favorite person from the show? Besides me, of course,” Jensen adds with a wink.  
  
“Misha,” Jared says immediately.  
  
“Oh man, me too,” Jensen laughs. “He’s completely insane, but he’s hilarious.”  
  
Jared nods. “I know. He freaks me out sometimes, though. He looks right through you, you know?”  
  
“Yeah!” Jensen cries loudly, the quick punch of his voice disturbing the stillness. “God, he’s got those eyes, it’s like he can see right into your soul! I feel like he just _knows_ shit about me even though I’ve never told him.”  
  
“Totally.”  
  
Jensen shakes his head again and Jared smiles at him, and then they don’t say anything for the next few minutes. It’s not tense or awkward at all, it’s completely comfortable silence and that’s one of the things Jared likes best about their relationship. He’s normally a talkative guy, with most people he seems to feel like he has fill every moment with chatter, but with Jensen, Jared can just _be_. Jensen tips his head back again and closes his eyes, enjoying the warm afternoon sun, and Jared can’t help smiling at the sight of his best friend so happy and relaxed. Jensen isn’t quite as easy going as Jared is and he’s much more of a perfectionist; when they’re in the middle of shooting a season, he always seems to have something to be worried about or stressed over. But right now he looks content and at peace, and he’s kind of never been so gorgeous.  
  
“So, you ask me something now,” he says eventually, not opening his eyes.  
  
“Okay. Um … if you could hook up with one person who’s been on the show, who would it be?”  
  
Jensen thinks for a moment, and then he smiles. “Adrianne.”  
  
“Really?” Jared’s surprised, that’s not who he would’ve guessed Jensen would pick. Adrianne was sweet, but she was around for such a short time, and it was so long ago. Jared’s money was on Lauren Cohan. She was really good-looking, and Jensen has a not-so-secret thing for girls with accents.  
  
“Yeah, dude. She was hot. Dean wasn’t the only one who liked her in that little Smurf t-shirt and no bra.”  
  
Jared laughs lightly, because he’s supposed to, but he can’t help the tiny flicker of what feels like jealousy in his stomach, even though he was the one who asked the question in the first place. He doesn’t understand it, and he’s quite sure he doesn’t like it. It can’t mean what he suspects it means, though, so Jared puts it out of his mind and does his best to enjoy the rest of their afternoon.  
  
===

_I don’t want to see you happier with somebody else_

===  
  
“Drink.”  
  
Jared accepts the shot from Jensen’s outstretched hand, and immediately tosses his head back and lets the warm liquid slide down his throat. It burns on the way down, and he coughs a little at the sting.  
  
“Ugh, what is that?” he asks breathlessly, with a grimace.  
  
“Crown,” Jensen answers, a gleeful smile on his face. “Canadian whiskey, baby! It’s what real men drink, that’s probably why you haven’t heard of it.”  
  
Jared barely resists sticking his tongue out like a little kid. “It’s gross, dude. Tastes like … I don’t even know. Chemicals. Hobo piss. Somethin’ nasty.”  
  
Jensen laughs. “Well it’s what we’re drinking, so suck it up, Padalecki.”  
  
“There’s like eighty cans of beer in the fridge, why can’t we drink that?” Jared complains.  
  
“Because it would take us way longer to get drunk that way.”  
  
Jared raises an eyebrow. “You try’na get me drunk?”  
  
“Hell yeah, I am. That’s why we’re here, remember? That’s why we spent an hour chopping wood like lumberjacks or poor people or something.”  
  
“Poor people?” Jared snorts. “Oh, that’s nice. Very sensitive.”  
  
Jensen actually giggles and plops unsteadily down beside Jared onto the log they’re using as a makeshift bench. “Quiet, you. And drink more.”  
  
He grabs the shot glass out of Jared’s hand and refills it, shoving it back under Jared’s nose and more or less forcing him to drink it. Jared splutters a little again, but it does go down smoother than the first one, maybe because this time he was expecting the burn.  
  
“Two or three more of those and you won’t even taste it anymore,” Jensen says, pouring himself a shot in the same glass and tossing it back.  
  
“Two or three more of those and you might have to carry me back to the cabin!”  
  
Jensen laughs again; he’s obviously had more to drink than Jared has, but Jared knows from previous experience that alcohol makes Jensen completely adorable, even more so than usual. He hands the bottle back to Jared, and Jared takes a swig directly from it. The whiskey pools in his stomach, hot and tingly, and it spreads warmth out all the way to his fingers and toes and makes his vision just a little bit fuzzy. It’s a pleasant feeling, his sensations dulled and his blood thrumming thickly through his veins.  
  
The fire Jensen built is fantastic; that was another thing Jared had no idea Jensen knew how to do. Jensen’s really been surprising him a lot on this little trip. It’s a chilly night, but the fire is warm and Jared’s slowly increasing level of intoxication is helping. The air is fresh and clean here – it’s so different from Los Angeles or San Antonio or even Vancouver. The constant chirping of crickets mixed with the pops and crackles from the flames is soothing and peaceful. And it’s pitch black here, other than the light from the fire, so they can see all the stars. It reminds Jared of nights at his grandparents’ farm, when they’d lie on the front lawn for hours, staring at a sky so lit up it sparkled.  
  
A slight breeze whooshes passed them and Jensen shivers, so Jared automatically shifts a little closer and wraps his arm around Jensen’s shoulder. It’s a reflex, Jared’s always had the _protector_ thing kind of instilled in him because of his size and because he tends to be attracted to tiny women, but it’s also because it’s Jensen and Jared’s sort of always itching to touch him, consciously or otherwise. Jensen sighs happily and tucks his smaller body against Jared’s chest. One of his hands comes up to rest on the top of Jared’s thigh, his fingers curling around to the inseam of Jared’s jeans. It’s comfortable and cozy and it feels really right, even though Jared’s still got this nagging feeling that maybe it _shouldn’t_ feel quite so good. That maybe cuddling with your best friend isn’t actually something most straight guys do.  
  
It isn’t something he’s actively thought too much about before. He’s always been a touchy-feely kind of guy, so he’s always hanging off someone or other, but usually that someone is female. Jensen was the first other man to accept the fact that Jared always wanted to be touching him. He was the first of Jared’s male friends who didn’t groan and push Jared away and tell him to keep his hands to himself. And he’s the only one of Jared’s male friends that doesn’t just put up with Jared touching him, but actually seems to enjoy it as well. Maybe not at first, but as the months and years went by and they got closer, it wasn’t even Jared initiating it all the time anymore. It got to the point where Jared would sit down in the recliner chair instead of on the couch beside Jensen, and Jensen would give him this look like _what are you doing all the way over there?_  
  
Even in his own head, Jared finds himself getting defensive; thinking about how this whole thing is hardly his fault. It’s not like he _asked_ to meet Jensen, to sign onto a new show and end up getting a co-star who he’d click with instantly and connect with on almost every level. It’s not like he sought Jensen out – they were shoved together by outside forces, they had no choice in the matter. They work on a show that for the most part revolves around their two characters, so the two them getting along well was sort of a necessity from day one. And so they’re closer than most best friends are, so what? That’s just who they are when they’re together, it’s always been like that, except for maybe the first few months of their relationship. And the thought really never entered Jared’s mind that it might be weird or wrong. Unusual, maybe, but certainly not wrong.  
  
But Danneel’s comment has been swirling around his brain since Jensen mentioned it – that she thought it was strange that they missed each other so much, that she couldn’t understand how they weren’t sick of each other after spending so much time together while they were filming. He never really considered the possibility that there was something odd about his relationship with Jensen. And right now, huddled up by the fire with Jensen’s head tucked under Jared’s chin and Jared’s arms around Jensen’s shoulders, it feels like they’re exactly where they’re supposed to be. And for the first time, Jared’s starting to realize that maybe that means something.  
  
===

_What if I tell you that I’m all figured out?_   
_Or maybe I just like how that sounds_

===  
  
“Shh, you’ll wake them up!” Jensen says loudly, stumbling a little on the stairs and tipping backwards just enough that Jared has to shoot his arms out to keep Jensen from falling.  
  
“Who?”  
  
“Hadie and Sarley! No, wait, Farley and … whatever the fuck your dogs’ names are!”  
  
Jared laughs, pushing Jensen further up the stairs and almost doubling over. Hadie and Sarley. Shit, that’s hilarious. And Jensen’s being really loud, considering he’s telling Jared to be quiet, and that’s really funny too. Come to think of it, the way the room’s spinning around him is also pretty damn comical. Everything is just kind of sparkly and fantastic right now. Damn, Jared likes being wasted.  
  
“They’re fine, they’re used to you being an idiot when you’re drunk!” Jared points out.  
  
“_You’re_ drunk,” Jensen returns immaturely.  
  
“Not as much as you. Now come on, bedtime.”  
  
Jensen sort of snuffles like a pissed off little kid, but he strips out of his jeans and sweater as he staggers toward his bed. He tries to step out of his pants and climb onto the bed at the same time, and instead he trips and lands face first on the mattress, sprawled out ridiculously.  
  
“Ow,” he comments, and Jared chuckles.  
  
“You are a giant man-child,” he slurs, stumbling just a little as he walks over and helps Jensen get his pants off.  
  
“Nuh-uh,” is Jensen’s clever retort.  
  
Jared chooses to ignore him, mostly because his whiskey-soaked brain can’t come up with anything intelligent to say back. He gets Jensen’s jeans and socks off, and then he wrestles the blankets out from under him and drapes them over Jensen’s unmoving body. He has the strangest urge to bend down and kiss Jensen’s forehead as he tucks him in, but he manages to resist even in his completely inebriated state. Jared can’t remember the last time he was this drunk; can’t remember much of anything, really.  
  
“Goodnight, Mr. Ackles,” he whispers.  
  
He pulls his hoodie over his head, moving over to his own bed and getting his pants half-undone before he hears a tiny whine from the other bed.  
  
“Jen?” he asks tentatively.  
  
“’mere,” Jensen mumbles, his face half smushed against the pillow.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Come here,” Jensen says louder.  
  
Jared steps back and leans over a little. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“No!” Jensen cries, obviously frustrated. He sort of shoves at the blankets, pushing them away from his body and down the mattress. “Come_ here_.”  
  
Jared’s still confused for another few seconds, but then he gets it. Jensen wants him to … oh. Jared shouldn’t, even as drunk as he is he knows he shouldn’t. But he wants to, _god_ does he ever want to. It’s entirely possible he’s never wanted anything in his whole life as much as he wants this. And the part of his brain that makes decisions for him clearly took off half a bottle of whiskey ago, so he does it. He kicks his pants off the rest of the way and then he crawls into the bed beside his friend. Jensen shifts over to his side, facing Jared, and then shuffles in a little closer. His breath is warm against Jared’s cheek and he smells like a mixture of alcohol and the smoke from the fire, and in that moment it’s the most amazing thing Jared’s ever smelled.  
  
“Hi,” Jensen murmurs.  
  
“Hi,” Jared answers. His foot is resting against Jensen’s ankle and his hand is cupping Jensen’s hip before he’s even realized he moved them. From this close up, he can see every freckle on Jensen’s nose and all the flecks of gold in his green eyes.  
  
“Really did miss you, Jay. Glad we’re here.”  
  
“Me too.”  
  
“You really suck at woodsy stuff though,” Jensen adds, a prominent slur to his words and his eyes glazed over. “Don’t even know how to bait a hook. You’re a disgrace to … that place we’re from.”  
  
“Texas?”  
  
“That’s it! Texas. You’re a disgrace to Texas.”  
  
Jared smiles even though his heart is suddenly going a hundred miles a minute. “Good thing I’ve got you, then.”  
  
“Got me,” Jensen agrees. “Always got me.”  
  
“Good. Can we sleep now?”  
  
Jensen frowns, his brow furrowing, and for a moment he looks adorably confused, like he truly has no idea what Jared just said. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, like he’s trying to speak but has temporarily forgotten how, and then he drops his gaze and fixes it on Jared’s lips. He licks his own, slowly, and Jared tracks the movement intently with his eyes; heart going so fast now it’s making him dizzy.  
  
“Can I kiss you?” Jensen asks softly.  
  
Jared inhales so sharply he almost chokes. He wasn’t expecting that, at all, but now that Jensen’s said it, it hits Jared exactly how much he wants that too. It’s not just the alcohol pulsing through his veins, even though he’s so drunk he can barely see. Shut up, brain, it’s _not_. Jared wants this, he really, really wants it. So when Jensen leans in, Jared doesn’t stop him.  
  
The first pass of Jensen’s lips against Jared’s is so electric it’s like getting hit by lightening. Jared leans into it instantly, absolutely no patience for slow and tentative, and opens his mouth against Jensen’s. It’s wet and messy and sloppy because they’ve both had way too much to drink, but it’s incredible and it lights Jared up like a Christmas tree. He’s pretty sure a simple kiss has never felt this good before, even with someone like Sandy who he was completely in love with. The way Jensen’s soft lips move against Jared’s is even more intoxicating than the whiskey, and Jared feels each brush right down to his toes.  
  
Jensen moans softly and Jared’s whole gut clenches at the unbelievably sexy sound. He rolls on top of Jensen, incredibly turned on by the way Jensen squirms under him and cranes his neck up to lick at Jared’s lips. The room is spinning faster now, a combination of the effects from the alcohol and the even stronger effects from Jensen’s heat and the smell of his skin and the hardness Jared can feel pressing up into his hip. He grinds down into it instinctively, his body pretty much running on auto-pilot at this point because his brain has completely checked out, and the resulting tremors up and down his spine have him shuddering and groaning wantonly into Jensen’s mouth.  
  
“_Fuck_, Jare,” Jensen breathes, drawing Jared’s tongue into his mouth a second later and sucking on it.  
  
Jared’s halfway aware of a lot of things – how dizzyingly hard he is, how amazing it feels to press his hips into Jensen’s, the way Jensen’s warm hands are pushing up under his t-shirt and digging blunt fingernails into the small of Jared’s back – but he’s not with it enough to completely concentrate on anything but continually rocking his body against Jensen’s in search of the release he suddenly needs more than oxygen. Jensen shivers beneath him, and then he moves and before Jared knows what’s happening, Jensen’s rolled them over again. He braces his hands on either side of Jared’s head and kisses Jared like he’ll die if he doesn’t, grinding his hips down into Jared’s over and over again and all Jared can do is hold on for dear life as his sneak-attack orgasm rushes through him like a hurricane.  
  
He growls something like Jensen’s name, and hears his own echoed just as harshly as Jensen’s body tenses above him. Then Jensen collapses down on top of him, and Jared just manages to snake his arms around Jensen’s sweat-damp back before he feels the pulls of sleep tugging at his eyes. He tries to fight it, tries to stay awake enough to kiss Jensen again or smile at him so he knows this was okay or _something_, but he can’t. The room goes dark and his muscles go limp and he drifts off fluidly into unconsciousness.  
  
===

_Give in to the pull and the push and the forth and back_

===


	3. Part 2

===

_Once upon a time, I used to romanticize_

===  
  
When Jared wakes up, he instantly notices three things. One, his mouth tastes like a diseased rodent died in it and he’s never drinking again. Two, the mid-morning sun has never been so offensive or caused him so much pain, and he’s _never drinking again. _And three, Jensen isn’t there.  
  
And he’s definitely never drinking again.  
  
The third is the one that hurts the most, actually, even though Jared’s head feels like there’s a construction crew doing a demolition on top of it. Or maybe a particularly enthusiastic production of _Stomp_. Metaphors are assholes this early in the morning. He doesn’t completely remember what happened last night, but he has a vague enough recollection to know that Jensen not being here is probably really bad. He thinks there was a campfire, he _knows_ there was whiskey, and then there was evidently dry-humping, seeing as there’s an uncomfortable, sticky mess in his boxers. His lips feel bruised, too. Jared blinks a few times and then closes his eyes because the light is hurting his head. More of the evening comes back to him as he lies there and tries to will himself not to throw up, groaning as flashes of it play behind his eyelids. Jensen kissed him, and Jared let him, and then they rubbed against each other like horny teenagers until they both came, and then passed out.  
  
That is definitely, irrevocably bad. Jensen’s probably downstairs right now because he woke up with Jared’s drool all over his shoulder or something and freaked out. Hell, maybe he’s gone. Maybe he actually _left_. Jared doesn’t like to think Jensen would just run away like that, but it’s not like either of them have ever been in this situation before so Jared has no idea how Jensen would react. He has no idea how he himself is going to react. It all still feels surreal, like something that happened to somebody else, or like a dream so vivid he’s just confusing it with reality. But it wasn’t a dream; the mess in his boxers that’s currently gluing his pubic hair to his skin proves that. This is real, last night really did happen, and if Jensen’s still here then they’re going to have to deal with it.  
  
The thought really scares Jared. It makes his heart race and his stomach churn in a way that’s only mostly because of the hangover. He’d love to tell himself that this happened because of the ridiculous amount of alcohol they both ingested, but even in his head it tastes like a lie. He’s been that drunk with Chad before, too many times to count, and they’ve never ended up in bed together. They’ve done a lot of stupid things; drunk dialed people they probably shouldn’t have, thrown up in the alley outside of a bar, stole street signs off Jared Court in The Hills and Murray Drive in West Hollywood, but they’ve never kissed each other and they’ve certainly never done the _rest_ of what he and Jensen did last night. Which means it was more than the booze. It means he might actually have _feelings_ for Jensen, and the idea alone is terrifying.  
  
It’s not like he’s never thought about it. More like he’s tried really hard to never _let_ himself think about it. He noticed how gorgeous Jensen was the day he met him, but that’s because Jensen _is_ gorgeous and Jared has eyes. How could he not notice? Everyone does. Jensen gets looks just walking down the street like some people would chew off their own right arm for the chance to be with him once. Jared would have to be stupid to have not realized how attractive Jensen is. But there’s a difference between knowing someone’s attractive, and being attracted _to_ them. At least, Jared thought there was. Now he’s starting to doubt that.  
  
The events of the previous evening are still fuzzy at best, but from what Jared does remember, kissing Jensen felt _good_. Right, even. That, Jared knows for sure, isn’t just something everyone does with their best friend. The cuddling thing they may be able to write off, dismiss as them just having a close friendship, but he at least knows most people don’t kiss their best friends. Not to mention the rest of it. The problem is, Jared doesn’t _know_ what he feels for Jensen. They always _have_ been close, the lines between them have always been a little blurred and Jared doesn’t know anymore whether or not they’d crossed over into couple-territory even before last night, and had just never realized it.  
  
Jared’s quite sure he’s never been more confused in his life. He doesn’t know why they did what they did; he doesn’t know what any of it means or what to do now, but he does know that he can’t figure this one out on his own. Much as it’s going to be awkward as hell, he needs to talk to Jensen. Jared just hopes he still can.  
  
He spends a few minutes in the bathroom cleaning himself up as much as he can. He really needs a shower, he probably stinks like sex, but a wet washcloth will have to do for now. He balls his damp boxers up and tosses them into his bag, pulling on a fresh pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He runs his fingers through his hair, trying in vain to flatten it where it’s sticking up wildly. And then he makes his way downstairs with his heart in his throat. He’s so damn nervous, their entire friendship is hanging in the balance and it all depends on how they handle this. Jensen doesn’t appear to be anywhere in the house when Jared gets downstairs, and he has a tiny moment of panic before he notices that the Jeep is still parked out back, so at least Jensen hasn’t left. Then he finds the note, sitting in the middle of the kitchen table, next to the pen Jensen wrote it with.  
  
_J – _  
_I’m down on the dock. Come find me when you get up. _  
_J._  
_(ps: everything’s gonna be okay)_  
  
Jared has to smile at that. Jensen knows him so well, probably knew he’d be upstairs in bed freaking out, just like Jared knew Jensen would be downstairs freaking out. For whatever reason, the note manages to calm Jared down just a little bit. It soothes his fears just enough to give him the courage to slip some shoes on and make his way down to the river. This still isn’t going to be fun, but Jared’s more confident now that whatever happens, their friendship can survive it. He still isn’t sure how he feels about Jensen, and he has no idea how Jensen feels about him, but what Jared was most worried about was the possibility of losing Jensen as a friend. He couldn’t handle that, he needs Jensen in his life. Needs him in his house, needs him when he’s had a bad day, needs him to laugh with and cry with, needs him by his side as they play Sam and Dean. And yeah, maybe, just maybe, he needs him in some other ways too.  
  
Jensen’s sitting on the edge of the dock with his feet dangling in the water. He doesn’t turn around as Jared approaches, but his shoulders tense a little so Jared can tell Jensen knows he’s there. Jared stands awkwardly at the foot of the dock, unsure whether he should move any closer or not. But then Jensen greets him with a soft “Hi”, and Jared takes the few steps toward him and sits down beside him, swinging his legs over the edge but tucking his hands under his thighs to keep his shoes an inch above the water.  
  
“Hey,” he says back. His heart’s going really fast again. This is starting to become a pattern when he’s around Jensen.  
  
For a long time, Jensen doesn’t say anything. Jared chances a glance or two over at him, and he doesn’t look angry, just contemplative. Like he’s trying to work out what words would be best, just as much as Jared is. When he does speak, his voice is quiet and shy – Jared doesn’t think he’s ever heard Jensen sound so small.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
Jared looks up; confused. “For what?”  
  
“For everything. I … I don’t remember all that much of last night, but I’m pretty sure what happened was my fault.”  
  
“It wasn’t,” Jared promises. “C’mon, Jen, don’t even think that, okay? I could’ve said no.”  
  
Jensen kind of shrugs and reaches behind himself to scratch at the back of his neck. He does that when he’s feeling uncomfortable, it’s one of his most obvious tells. “I pushed it on you. You just broke up with Genevieve, you’re in no place to – and you were drunk. I took advantage of you.”  
  
“It doesn’t count as taking advantage if we’re _both_ drunk,” Jared points out. “Seriously, it wasn’t your fault. It just happened, it wasn’t anybody’s fault.”  
  
“What do you, um … I mean, we should talk about this, right?”  
  
“Probably.”  
  
Jensen nods. The tension is so thick Jared thinks he could cut it with a butter knife, and that almost freaks him out more than anything. There’s never been this kind of tension between him and Jensen. Even in their heavier moments, things with Jensen have always been easy. Jared doesn’t actually want to talk about this any more than Jensen does, but he knows they have to if they have any hope of getting passed it.  
  
“So how … how do you feel about it?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Jared says honestly. “I’m not mad, if that’s what you’re asking. But other then that, I’m … confused, I guess.”  
  
Jensen frowns and sniffs a little. He almost looks like he’s about to cry, but he manages to hold it back. Jared understands the feeling. “What was the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning?” he asks in a shaky voice.  
  
“That you weren’t there,” Jared answers. “And then I was worried, ‘cause I thought maybe you’d actually left. That this was gonna ruin us, that we weren’t gonna be friends anymore.”  
  
“That’s never gonna happen,” Jensen says firmly, finally looking directly at Jared for the first time. “We’re always gonna be friends, Jare, I swear. We can just put this behind us, okay? If … if that’s what you want, we can.”  
  
“Is it what you want?”  
  
Jensen pauses, and then he sighs heavily. “I don’t know.”  
  
He goes silent again, and he looks so small and sad that it takes all of Jared’s will power not to put his arm around him and pull Jensen into his chest like he would have yesterday. But that was before everything changed. Jensen’s being very careful, Jared can tell, so maybe this time he’s got to be the one putting himself on the line. He still doesn’t know how he feels or what he wants, but he knows what he doesn’t want, and that’s ever being away from Jensen. He doesn’t know for sure, not sure enough to not be nervous, but he has a hunch Jensen feels the same way.  
  
“Did it, uh … did it feel good, to you?” he asks tentatively. “Like, I mean, not just physically?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen breathes. “But I don’t know what that means.”  
  
“I don’t either. This is all kind of a mess, but I just … I know what I felt, you know? I can’t explain it, but it was … good.”  
  
“This is so fucked up,” Jensen mumbles. He drops his head down a little to hang beneath his hunched shoulders, and Jared can’t hold back anymore. He shifts just a little closer and slides his arm around Jensen’s back – Jensen leans into him automatically, like a reflex, and rests his head on Jared’s shoulder. It’s so _them_ that Jared’s leaning down and kissing the top of Jensen’s head before he even realizes he’s done it.  
  
“Sorry,” he mutters, but Jensen shakes his head and says, “s’okay.”  
  
For a few minutes, they just sit like that, and Jared soaks it up. It’s a beautiful morning, and being here with Jensen in this secluded spot when it’s just the two of them and the wilderness; it’s so peaceful and ideal and _right_. And Jensen’s body pressed up against Jared’s feels more than perfect, and it’s slowly dawning on Jared that this isn’t anything like what he feels with his other friends. He loves Chad, but he doesn’t feel like _this_ toward him. This is more like what he felt for Sandy, what he tried to feel for Genevieve. This is something more than friendship; Jared thinks maybe it always has been, but he’s just been too stupid to notice it.  
  
As if he can read Jared’s thoughts, Jensen asks, “This isn’t normal, is it? Us being like this, being this close.”  
  
“I don’t think it is,” Jared agrees. “Not between friends, anyway.”  
  
“Don’t hate me, okay?” Jensen says quietly, and Jared’s heart hurts at the mere notion.  
  
“What? Why would I hate you?”  
  
Jensen’s throat clicks on a loud swallow. “‘Cause … ‘cause I think maybe I might feel something for you. Something more than what we already have.”  
  
Just hearing Jensen say it out loud is more than enough to convince Jared he feels the same way. He wants _more_ with Jensen, it’s so clear now that he can’t believe he never saw it before. “I’ve never wanted to be with another guy before,” he offers quietly. “But with you, it’s … I don’t know. We’re different, y’know? I don’t understand it, but I feel it.”  
  
“You think, um, maybe we should try the whole … kissing … thing, again?” Jensen suggests, lifting his head off Jared’s shoulder and blinking up at him. “You know, when we’re not wasted? To see if there’s anything here?”  
  
“Definitely,” Jared grins.  
  
He leans down and gently brushes his lips against Jensen’s, and just like last night, the sparks are instantaneous. Jensen lets Jared keep it sweet and slow for a moment or two, and then he deepens it, licking at the seam of Jared’s lips and sweeping his tongue in sensual swirls when Jared opens up to let him in. All in all, they kiss for maybe a few minutes, tops, but by the time Jensen pulls back and gasps for breath, Jared’s half-hard in his pants and his head is swimming. He knows for sure now; kissing someone else has never been a quarter as incredible as kissing Jensen is, and that’s all the reassurance Jared needs.  
  
“Well?” Jensen asks hesitantly, his green eyes bright and shining from under a slight frown.  
  
“Perfect,” Jared pronounces, and instantly Jensen’s forehead smoothes and he looks cautiously optimistic.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Completely amazing.”  
  
Jensen smiles shyly. “So you think we could, you know, do … other things? Like last night, but … more?”  
  
He’s so cute and shy about it, it makes Jared’s heart flutter in his chest and he kisses the tip of Jensen’s freckled nose. “Absolutely.”  
  
Jensen moves out of Jared’s arms and he’s up on his feet in about the time it takes for Jared to blink.  
  
“What, you mean now?” he asks.  
  
Jensen raises an eyebrow. “You got somethin’ better to do?”  
  
Jared laughs and lets Jensen haul him to his feet. “Hell no.”  
  
===

_One last breath, and just spin the bottle_

===  
  
The next few days are nothing short of mind-blowing. Compared to Jensen, everyone Jared’s ever been with is almost completely forgettable. With Jensen, it’s what Jared’s always heard it was supposed to be like, but had just never actually experienced before. He thought people were exaggerating when they said they saw stars and blacked out for a few seconds and actually _wanted_ to spend a whole day in bed with their partner even after they were both messy and sticky and sore and the whole room stunk like sweat and come. He thought Chad was lying when he said kissing Sophia was so electric it could power a textile factory. Turns out they were all telling the truth; Jared just hadn’t found the right person yet. And now he definitely has.  
  
They start slow, because even though they’d had the revelation that they might have been big gay in love with each other all along, the fact remained that this was all completely new to both of them. At first they just spent hours lying in one of those big, comfortable beds, wrapped around each other and lazily making out until Jared couldn’t feel his lips anymore. Even that alone was almost better than the wildest, most passionate sex he’d had with anyone else. Jensen kissed him like he was dying of thirst and Jared’s lips were water, and he kissed him like he _cared_ for him in a way Jared’s pretty sure no one ever has before. And Jensen touched him like he was precious, like he was made of glass and might break; brushing Jared’s hair gently out of his eyes and lightly trailing his fingers up and down Jared’s back and holding him like he was everything.  
  
Jared completely lost track of how long they kissed that first time (well, second time), but he knew it had been at least over an hour and he was so hard it was painful even though Jensen hadn’t even touched him yet. So Jared got impatient and took matters into his own hands, literally. He slid his hand down Jensen’s chest, moving it over the bulge in Jensen’s sweats and cupping it. He gasped at the first feel of another man’s cock in his hand, even through the cotton. Jared had never touched anyone but himself like this before, but he loved it. He slipped his hand under the elastic waistband and curled his fingers around the hard, blisteringly hot length, and stroked. Jensen moaned loudly into Jared’s mouth, and the sound spurred Jared on. He twisted his wrist around the slippery head a few times and then Jensen was tensing and his eyes were fluttering and he was spilling creamy heat over Jared’s fist. Jared, in turn, lasted an embarrassingly short amount of time when Jensen tired to do the same. He barely got a hand on Jared’s dick before Jared was coming.  
  
Moving on to using their mouths seemed natural after that. Just like with everything else, Jared had never even considered being on the giving end of a blow-job; always thought it was kinda gross, actually, and felt sorry for girls. But with Jensen, Jared wanted it so much he could barely wait. Jensen was unbelievably gorgeous completely naked and spread out for Jared, he was like every hot chick Jared had ever seen rolled into one and then some. His lightly built frame was captivating, the way his muscles moved under all that ivory, freckled skin was almost impossible to look away from. Jared liked his back the most; long lines of tapered muscles, narrow hips, and a perfect ass that just begged Jared’s hands to cup it and squeeze. But his front was just as nice, the smattering of freckles across his shoulders, tiny puffs of golden-brown hair under his navel, leading to the prettiest cock Jared had ever seen. Not that he’d seen many, but even still. Jensen’s was perfect. Wrapping his lips around it felt more right than anything had in a long time.  
  
Jared had no experience and probably even less technique, but he tried to duplicate what he knew felt good when girls had done this to him, and judging by the way Jensen writhed beneath him and swore and tugged on Jared’s hair, Jared gathered that he was doing a good enough job. Jared didn’t swallow his release when Jensen came, not that first time anyway, but he tasted it off his hand afterward and decided that he kind of liked it. It was strange because it was unfamiliar, a little bitter and a little salty but also a little sweet, but all in all it was a flavor Jared could easily see himself becoming addicted to.  
  
When Jensen pulled Jared back up the bed and flipped them over so he could reciprocate, he took his time kissing and nipping down Jared’s chest, slowly and thoroughly and Jared was a babbling, incoherent mess before Jensen even reached his cock. No one had ever treated him with this much care before, no one had ever kissed him so reverently. It was like Jensen was worshiping him because _he_ wanted to, not just because he knew it would make Jared feel good. His full lips around Jared’s cock actually had fireworks bursting behind Jared’s eyelids – another thing he’d always thought was just a myth until it actually happened to him. Jensen sucked him sloppily, no more technique than Jared had, but he was enthusiastic about it and he pretty quickly found a good rhythm and it was the best blow-job Jared ever had by _far._ Jensen did swallow, or he tried to anyway, drinking Jared down eagerly and then pulling off when he started to cough and working Jared the rest of the way through his orgasm with his hand.  
  
It was nothing short of amazing and Jensen with his cheeks flushed and his breathing ragged and his lips slick with Jared’s come was the hottest thing he’d ever seen, _ever_. He dragged Jensen up and held him close as he kissed him and licked his own flavor out of Jensen’s mouth, and by the time the taste on his tongue had mellowed out, they were both hard again so they started all over.  
  
The rest of the week, when they actually manage to leave the bed for any length of time, they spend doing all that couple-y stuff Jared imagined when they first arrived and he’d had the thought that this would’ve been the kind of place he’d have gone with a girlfriend. They go for long walks with the dogs, laughing as Sadie bounds ahead of them and then comes back and nudges their hands with her cold nose as if to say “Hurry up!” and Harley pushes his way into the brush and comes out covered in leaves and spider webs. They go canoeing again, this time just to explore. They find a beaver damn and a waterfall – they climb out onto the riverbank and get close enough to the cascade to feel the mist on their skin.  
  
They go swimming, even though Jensen is resistant because he thinks the water will probably be freezing, and he isn’t wrong, but Jared drags him in anyway, if for no reason other than that the idea of having a wet Jensen pressed all up against him is just too enticing to pass up. Once the initial shudders pass and Jared can breathe comfortably again, the cool water is actually refreshing. It’s nothing like the ocean off the beaches in California where he’s used to swimming. Fresh water is crisper, for sure colder but somehow just as nice. Also, salt water tends to make Jared sick to his stomach if he stays in too long. Jensen swims around for a while, and Jared just watches him, watches the muscles play across his back and totally doesn’t even realize he’s popped wood until Jensen sidles up in front of him and wraps his arms around Jared’s neck, leaning in for a kiss that tastes only a little bit like algae.  
  
The gentle motion of the water lifts Jensen up an inch and pushes him close enough to Jared for their hips to bump, and Jared moans, deepening the kiss and pulling Jensen in closer. It’s sort of difficult, since the water keeps knocking them around, but Jared gets them close enough to the small dock to at least kind of hang onto it, and Jensen licks and bites at his neck while Jared shoves their swim trunks down enough to jerk them off together in one of his hands.  
  
They light a fire in the fireplace and watch a movie, snuggled on the couch like they have a million times before, but now it means something more. Or, probably, all along it had been meaning something more but Jared was just too oblivious to notice. They lie on the dock in front of their cabin at night, looking up at the sky and searching for constellations, and Jensen rolls on top of Jared and kisses him under the stars. It’s perfect and strangely romantic and it feels like nothing could ever go wrong as long as he’s got Jensen in his arms. Jared can’t remember the last time he was this happy, this fulfilled, and he’d give almost anything for it to never have to end.  
  
===  
  
One night, Jensen falls asleep on the couch before it’s even dark outside, so Jared covers him up with a loosely knit blanket, kisses his forehead – letting his lips linger there for maybe a moment or two longer than is strictly necessary – and takes his dogs for a long walk. He and Jensen discovered this elaborate labyrinth of pathways earlier in the week, and Jared was able to find a crude map at the ranger’s station so they’ve been exploring them a lot. He takes the longest route, a big loop that would take him about an hour if he were running, but instead he strolls leisurely and lets Sadie and Harley explore all around them to their heart’s content, so in the end it takes him closer to two hours and by the time he gets back the sun has completely disappeared behind the horizon.  
  
Jensen’s sitting down by the shore, his knees pulled up near his chest and his arms folded across them, the same blanket Jared put over him before now draped over his shoulders. He doesn’t appear to be doing anything in particular, just sitting and looking out across the water, and Jared is almost hesitant to disturb him. But he figures Jensen won’t mind the company, so he lets the dogs into the cabin and jogs down the slope of the lawn. For a second, he wonders if maybe he should shower first – even though he wasn’t walking fast, it’s still hot out, and he’s sort of sweaty – but then, Jensen’s said at least twice already this week that he likes Jared all flushed and sweaty, so Jared just wipes his forehead on his sleeve and sits down on the grass behind Jensen.  
  
He must have heard Jared approaching, but he doesn’t turn around. Jared gets a leg on either side of Jensen’s body, planting his feet on the ground just behind Jensen’s own, and shuffling up close. Jensen leans backwards a little so his back is pressed into Jared’s chest, and rests the side of his head against Jared’s cheek. For a long time, he doesn’t speak, and Jared doesn’t either, not wanting to break the moment. Instead, he slides his arms around Jensen’s stomach and just sits there with him, listening to Jensen breathe evenly against the backdrop of water trickling over the rocks and loons calling each other somewhere in the distance.  
  
“What’re you thinkin’ about?” Jared asks eventually.  
  
“The first time I met you,” Jensen answers immediately.  
  
“Oh yeah?”  
  
“Mhm.” Jensen leans just a little further back; his solid weight feels incredible against Jared. “Y’know that story I told, the first time we were at Payley? About hearing my costar was gonna be a guy named Jared Pada-something, and how I Googled you?”  
  
“And I said you thought I was hot,” Jared finishes, smiling. He’d forgotten about that.  
  
Jensen chuckles. “Yeah. That. Well, it’s true, actually. The part about me lookin’ you up. I’d never heard of you, so I found some clips and stuff, from stuff you’d been in.”  
  
“Oh god, please tell me you didn’t watch Gilmore Girls,” Jared groans.  
  
Jensen all-out laughs at that. “I may have. That, and New York Minute.”  
  
“Perfect. Bet you were horrified you had to work with me,” Jared grumbles. “I was a chick flick actor, man.”  
  
“Yeah, well.” Jensen snorts. “You’ve seen me on Days. And freakin’ Dawson’s Creek. Not like I was one to talk.”  
  
“We totally needed Supernatural. ‘Cause, you know, now we’re all badass,” Jared reasons, and Jensen laughs again.  
  
“For sure,” he agrees sarcastically. “I mean, if the fans could see us right now? The first thing that would come to their minds would _totally_ be our badass-ness.”  
  
“I think if the fans could see us right now, they’d be droppin’ their panties,” Jared jokes, nuzzling into Jensen’s hair and kissing it.  
  
“Mm. That, too. Hey, speaking of the cinematic masterpiece that was New York Minute, you ever hook up with an Olsen twin?”  
  
Jared can’t help the smile that tugs at the corners of his mouth. “No,” he says, trying to sound annoyed but probably not managing it. “And if your next question has anything to do with Paris Hilton, it’s a no on that one too.”  
  
“Shame,” Jensen says, elbowing Jared in the ribs so Jared knows he’s joking. “Guess Murray did that enough for the both of you. But anyway, my point was, I … I really did think you were hot, back then.”  
  
Jared blinks. “You – really?”  
  
“Yep. Thought you had, um, nice arms. ‘specially in that episode of ER, you were in that gown thing with short sleeves.”  
  
It sort of makes Jared feel warm inside to know that Jensen watched all these things before they’d even really met, even if what comes out of his mouth is, “I was like eighteen when I did that. Perv.”  
  
Jensen scowls and pokes Jared hard in the thigh. “Asshole. Look, what I’m _trying_ to say is … I don’t know. That I … that there’s been something there, from the beginning. At least for me. I wasn’t, like, considering asking you out our first week of filming or anything like that, but there was … something. Something about you, I couldn’t shake it. Couldn’t get away from it. I’m not really a people person, like at all, but with you it was different. You were always hangin’ off me, always wantin’ to be touching me or hugging me or just be around me, and with anyone else I think it would’ve pissed me off, but with you, I couldn’t get enough. You know?”  
  
Jared frowns and smiles at the same time – Jensen’s words making him equally happy and sad. Happy that Jensen feels that way, that he wants Jared back; and sad because it’s such a waste that it took them this long to realize it. “I … yeah. I do. I guess I didn’t really see it for what it was until now, but … it was there, Jen, for me too. Stupid that we’re just figuring this out now, but … better late than never, right?”  
  
Jensen exhales and brings one arm up, reaching around and curling his fingers over the back of Jared’s neck. “Yeah.”  
  
===

_Stuck now so long, we just got the start wrong_

===  
  
On their last night, Jared comes out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth to find Jensen sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed with a worried expression on his face. His hands are folded in his lap and his gaze is fixed on them; his eyes intense and his forehead twisted into a frown. Jared instantly moves to his side and sits down; that’s another thing that’s new, he’s become even more protective of Jensen than he already was. The last few days, if Jensen ever had even the tiniest wrinkle of a frown on his face, it tugged at Jared’s heartstrings and he had the sudden, uncontrollable need to make Jensen smile again.  
  
“What’s wrong?” he asks quickly.  
  
“Nuthin’,” Jensen mutters. “Just wish we didn’t have to leave, that’s all.”  
  
“Me too. I really love it here.”  
  
“Yeah. That too, but it’s just … I mean, when we get back, it’s …” Jensen trails off.  
  
“What?” Jared asks gently, but Jensen shakes his head decisively.  
  
“Nothing,” he says again. “I, um … okay, I don’t really know how to say this, so I guess I’m just gonna say it.”  
  
“Okay.” Jared frowns and his heart beats a little faster.  
  
“Do you … uh, this is probably a long shot, but is there any chance you’ve got a condom? And like, some lotion or something?” Jensen asks in a rush, his cheeks exploding in a blush as soon as the words pass his lips.  
  
For half a second Jared’s completely confused, and then slowly it dawns on him what Jensen’s talking about. “You want … oh. Holy shit. Really?”  
  
Jensen’s eyebrows knit together and he looks up at Jared with the most heartbreaking insecurities written all over his face. “Do you not want to?”  
  
“What? No, god, of course I do!” Jared cries. “I just – wasn’t expecting that.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Have, um,” Jared pauses and cringes internally. He doesn’t know how to ask this without sounding like he’s accusing Jensen of something, but he really didn’t think they’d get to this step quite so quickly. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about doing it, he’s even thought about letting Jensen do it to him, but they haven’t even been together for a full week and Jared’s a little worried it’s too soon. He doesn’t want them to rush; he wants them to last. “Have you ever done this before?”  
  
Jensen looks pained again, and he looks away. “I … yeah,” he sighs. “Once, a long time ago.”  
  
His answer takes Jared aback a little. He wasn’t expecting that either. “Seriously? How come I never knew that?”  
  
“I dunno,” Jensen shrugs. “It’s not like it’s something you just bring up.”  
  
Jensen’s got a point, but still, he’s being kind of weird about it and it’s making Jared think maybe the experience he’s talking about wasn’t a good one. His heart clenches painfully tight at the thought of someone hurting his Jensen. Jensen is perfect and special and amazing; he deserves to be loved, never hurt. Jared slides a little closer so he can cup Jensen’s jaw in his palm, pulling Jensen in and kissing him softly on the lips. Then he leans his forehead against Jensen’s and rubs the pad of his thumb in a slow arc over Jensen’s cheek.  
  
“You wanna tell me about it?”  
  
“No, it’s … it wasn’t the best experience of my life but it wasn’t against my will or something, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Jensen says quietly. “I just always wished I hadn’t done it, that’s all. But it was a long time ago, back when I first started on Days_, _and it just … he didn’t mean anything to me. It was stupid. Sorta made me realize why chicks hold out for so long. It’s scary, letting someone else have all the control.”  
  
Jared nods and kisses Jensen again chastely, because he feels like Jensen needs it. “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. I really like you, Jensen, I’m okay with taking this slow.”  
  
“I know,” Jensen whispers. “I want to. It’s our last night here, y’know? This feels right. And you’re not just some guy, you’re my … well. I trust you, I want this with you.”  
  
“Okay.” Jared hadn’t really realized exactly how much he wants this until Jensen brought it up, but now that it’s out there, Jared wants it more than anything. He wants to be connected to Jensen, and it’s about more than just sex in a way it never has been before. He wants to be _part_ of Jensen, wants to claim him and make it so he belongs to Jared and no one else.  
  
“So, uh, do you? Have anything, I mean?” Jensen asks again.  
  
“Um, I might. Hold on, let me check.” Jared finds his suitcase and pulls out the little silver bag he keeps his toothbrush and shampoo and stuff in. He digs through it for a moment, and then it dawns on him that he didn’t actually unpack this bag after getting back from San Francisco. He just left it, and then grabbed it again as he was packing for this trip, so he luckily has everything they need. He pulls a condom out and tosses it onto the bed, and then he pulls the little bottle of KY out and holds it up sheepishly. “I’ve, uh, got this too. So. Better than lotion, I imagine.”  
  
Jensen’s eyes widen comically. “Why the hell do you have that?”  
  
“Because …” Jared laughs nervously and drops the case back down into his bag, moving back to the bed and sitting by Jensen. “Because that’s the same bag I had when I was with Genevieve. And she’s kinda, small. And I’m kinda … not.”  
  
“Oh,” Jensen says, his cheeks darkening again and his breathing quickening ever so slightly. “Huh. Well, good for us, I guess.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
They don’t speak for a minute, and the silence feels thick and like it’s sucking all the air from the room. Jared’s nervous, more nervous than he was the first time he ever did this, back in high school. Then, he was worried about doing something wrong, about losing control and coming too soon, about whether Sheena Johnson would laugh at his lanky body and lack of muscles. Now, he’s worried about things that seem so much more important – about hurting Jensen, about whether this is going to change their relationship, about how much this means to both of them.  
  
“We’re not doing this right,” Jensen says eventually, reading Jared’s mind again like he’s been doing constantly lately. “This shouldn’t be so serious, we should just be falling into each other because we can’t keep our hands off any longer.”  
  
“It is serious,” Jared says, and Jensen smiles fondly.  
  
“I know. But it’s not _bad_ serious. You want this, right?”  
  
Jared nods.  
  
“So then c’mere.” Jensen holds out his hand and Jared takes it, lets Jensen pull him in close.  
  
“That’s how you got me into bed with you the first time,” Jared points out.  
  
Jensen laughs lightly. “Do you wish I hadn’t?”  
  
“Not for a second.”  
  
“Me neither.”  
  
Jensen squirms around a little until he’s lying flat on his back, and Jared lowers himself down, blanketing Jensen’s slightly smaller body with his own. He kisses Jensen, slow and deep and thorough, and Jensen slides his fingers through Jared’s hair and angles his head to make the kiss even deeper.  
  
Just like before, it’s more electric than a thunderstorm, but this time there’s something even more than sparks crackling between them. There’s heat, there’s raw desire, and there’s the thrilling and terrifying feeling that everything’s about to change. Jensen presses insistent kisses to Jared’s lips until they’re tingling and swollen, and then he draws Jared’s bottom lip into his mouth and sucks on it until Jared’s dizzy from the sensation. The things Jensen can do with his mouth, it’s hard to even believe it’s real sometimes. There’s more talent in his tongue alone than most people have in their entire bodies. Jared’s pretty sure he’ll never get tired of kissing Jensen.  
  
Jensen keeps one hand buried in Jared’s hair and he slides the other one slowly down Jared’s back, stopping at the base of his spine and pushing his hand up under Jared’s t-shirt, dragging his palm over Jared’s already over-heated skin. It tingles where ever Jensen touches it and Jared shivers and uncontrollably rocks his hips down into Jensen’s, desperate for some friction. Jensen’s hard against him, and Jared grinds into him as they kiss frantically. Jared’s never felt this kind of passion with anyone before; he’s never felt this level of desperation, like if he pulls away from Jensen he’ll forget how to breathe. Jensen moans quietly, pushing his hips up into Jared’s as best he can and digging blunt fingernails into Jared’s back.  
  
“Shit,” Jared breathes, gasping as he lifts his head enough to see Jensen’s lust-blown eyes. “You sure about this?”  
  
“Yeah.” Jensen runs his fingers through Jared’s hair, pushing his bangs back from his face. “Why? What’s wrong?”  
  
“I’m just really scared I’m gonna hurt you,” Jared admits.  
  
Jensen’s eyebrows stitch together for a moment, and he leans up and kisses Jared again. “It hurts a little at first anyway, Jare. It won’t be your fault.”  
  
“You gotta tell me if it’s too much, okay? Promise me.”  
  
“I promise.”  
  
Jared nods, and spends another few minutes getting lost in the warmth of Jensen’s mouth, but then he reluctantly pulls away. He’s so hard it’s bordering on painful now and if he has any hope of actually lasting long enough to get inside Jensen, he needs to get the show on the road. He strips his t-shirt and boxers off as he gets the lube and condom he’d tossed on the other side of the bed, watching with interest out of the corner of his eye as Jensen shucks out of his own clothes. Jensen’s naked when Jared turns back, propped up on his elbows and looking like sex personified. His lips are red and swollen and spit-slick, his eyes are dark and heavy-lidded, there’s a gorgeous flush coloring his cheeks and traveling down his neck. His chest is lightly dusted with freckles and a thin sheen of sweat, and his cock is resting thick and heavy against his abdomen. Jared wants to devour him – it’s going to be really tough to remind himself that he needs to go slow.  
  
“Fuckin’ beautiful, Jen,” he murmurs, a little shocked at how much he means it. He’s never wanted to use that word to describe another guy before, but there aren’t really any other words that would do Jensen justice.  
  
“Look who’s talkin’,” Jensen grins, letting his eyes wander up and down Jared’s body a few times.  
  
Jared blushes a little under Jensen’s intense gaze, but then he smiles back and gets back on the bed, on his knees between Jensen’s spread legs. “I, uh, m’not totally sure what I’m doing here,” he says uncomfortably. “I gotta stretch you out first, right?”  
  
Jensen nods. “Lots of lube, one finger at a time. And stop worrying, okay? I’m not gonna break. Just don’t go too fast, I’ll be fine.”  
  
Despite the confidence of Jensen’s words, his voice shakes a little as he speaks and he looks just as nervous and unsure as Jared feels, and that calms Jared down a little, the knowledge that neither of them really know what they’re doing. He leans down and presses a few wet kisses to Jensen’s navel as he flicks the cap open on the little bottle of warming gel and pours some of it onto his fingers. He coats them as best he can, spreading the gel right down to the webbing between his long fingers, and then he reaches behind the soft swell of Jensen’s balls and brushes just the pad of his index finger over the little furled opening. Jensen twitches just a bit, laughing unsteadily and then shaking his head, telling Jared to keep going.  
  
For at least a minute, Jared can’t even move. His heart is beating too fast and what little blood that’s left in his brain is gushing in circles around it, making him dizzy and his vision fuzzy and his synapses firing too sluggishly for any of this to feel real. He dimly recognizes the emotion as _fear_ – fear that if he does this, if he actually pushes forward and lets his fingertip breach Jensen’s body, then there’s no going back. The rest of it, the kissing and the hand-jobs and even the blow-jobs, they could shrug off if they really wanted to. They could say it was experimentation, they could say it was just for fun because they were on vacation. But this, you don’t come back from something like this. If they really do this, if they actually have real, definitive, all-the-way sex, then that’s it. Jared’s done-for.  
  
Jared doesn’t think he’s even bothered by the fact that they’re both guys and this is very inarguably _gay sex_. It’s more that he just knows if they cross this line, then he’ll belong completely to Jensen, in every way, and that’s more than a little scary. He was already a little freaked out, sometimes, about how much he needed Jensen, and that was back when they were just friends. Jared remembers not feeling whole when he was away from Jensen for too long; he remembers any good news he got didn’t feel real until he told Jensen about it. He remembers a level of codependence that was usually wonderful but sometimes really worrying. There were times he’d catch himself thinking, _what happens if the show gets cancelled? What happens if Jensen’s in an accident and I lose him? What do I do then?_ And morphing from friends to being in an actual relationship is just going to make all that a hundred times worse.  
  
The tiny part of Jared’s brain that’s devoted to self-preservation is terrified that he’s setting himself up for failure, here. He wants this with Jensen, he really does, but it also feels like he’s creating a situation in which he has an overwhelming amount to lose if things go south.  
  
“Jay?”  
  
Jensen’s quiet, tentative voice almost startles him, and Jared blinks his eyes back into focus to find Jensen watching him warily.  
  
“Everything okay?”  
  
Jared shakes his head shortly, not to say ‘no’, just to clear it. “Yeah. Sorry, I just … I get lost in my head sometimes.”  
  
Jensen smiles a little. “I know you do. We, uh, we don’t have to do this, you know.”  
  
“I want to,” Jared says firmly, and he really does. He has doubts and fears and insecurities, but the one thing he knows for sure is that he wants Jensen. The rest of it will just have to work itself out.  
  
“Okay,” Jensen answers, whatever else he was going to say falling away on a long moan when Jared bites the bullet and pushes his hand forward so the tip of his finger disappears into Jensen’s body.  
  
It’s … Jared doesn’t even have words to describe it. It sort of feels the same as a girl, except at the same time it feels worlds different. It’s tighter, definitely, maybe warmer too. He can’t really tell, though, the sheer weight of how _hot_ this is has sort of numbed all his other senses. It should be kind of gross, probably, but it isn’t. He lets his finger slide in the rest of the way, smiling to himself when Jensen sighs happily and lets his head fall back on the pillow. Jensen actually likes this – that’s strange and foreign in itself because Jared had never had any idea why someone would want to put _anything_ up there – but Jensen’s definitely enjoying it as Jared pulls his finger out slowly and pushes it back in again.  
  
“This really feels good?” he asks, curiosity getting the better of him.  
  
“Yeah. _Shit_, your fingers are big. You’ve never tried this on yourself?”  
  
Jared pauses, clenching his jaw to hold back a groan as it dawns on him that Jensen obviously _has_ done this to himself. The resulting visual his brain conjures up is enough to have his eyes glazing over a little. “Never,” he says.  
  
Jensen chuckles. “You’re so repressed.”  
  
“No I’m not!” Jared protests. “I just … I dunno, man. I guess I knew gay dudes did this, it just never really occurred to me to try it.”  
  
Jensen shakes his head fondly. “Well you’re missing out. There’s this, um, this spot. You hafta reach in pretty far to get at it, but dude, makes you see stars.”  
  
Instantly intrigued, Jared gets his finger in as far as it’ll go and crooks it at the first knuckle, searching for whatever Jensen was talking about. The tip of his finger passes over something spongy, and Jensen cries out and arches right off the bed.  
  
“Holy shit,” Jared exclaims. “What the hell is that?”  
  
“Prostate gland,” Jensen laughs breathlessly. “Y’know, it’s a little alarming how clueless you are.”  
  
Jared shuts him up by pressing against the spot again, a warm wave of arousal passing over him at Jensen’s similarly incredible reaction.  
  
“C’mon, ‘nother one,” Jensen mumbles.  
  
Jared pulls his finger out and then presses back in with two. It’s not as easy this time, Jensen’s tight channel clenches around Jared’s fingers and he winces sympathetically. “Sorry. You okay?”  
  
“M’fine, keep going.”  
  
Jared pushes forward even though he can tell it’s not as comfortable as the first one was. But he works his way in slowly, in and out shallowly at first and then gradually getting deeper, and by the time he’s got both fingers all the way in, Jensen’s scrunched forehead has smoothed out and he’s moaning again. His cock has softened just a little, so Jared leans down and sucks it into his mouth, bobbing his head in time to his fingers moving in and out of Jensen’s body. After a minute or two Jensen’s started to babble incoherently, and Jared manages to slip a third finger in seemingly without Jensen noticing. He swirls his tongue around the head of Jensen’s cock, eagerly swallowing down the little pulse of pre-come he gets for his efforts. It’s entirely possible it means he’s gay now, or maybe even always was, but sucking Jensen’s cock has become one of Jared’s favorite things.  
  
“Jared, _fuck_,” Jensen groans, pushing weakly at Jared’s shoulder. “You gotta stop, m’not gonna last. C’mon, I’m ready. Do it.”  
  
Jared’s so worked up at this point he’s probably not going to last all that long either, and Jensen’s words are the magic command he was waiting for. He pulls his fingers out with a slightly sickening squelch, and wipes them off on the bedspread. He grabs the condom, tearing the package open and smoothing the latex down over his cock. Then he reaches for the little bottle again, pouring more of the clear gel into his hand and spreading it evenly over his achingly hard length. He wraps his fingers around the base and squeezes briefly, trying to get himself under control enough to make it to the actual fucking. And then he opens his eyes and lets his gaze sweep over Jensen’s face. Jensen’s watching him, maybe a little apprehensively, with his bottom lip trapped between his perfect teeth.  
  
“Last chance to back out,” Jared says quietly. “You sure you want this?”  
  
“Don’t you?” Jensen asks, suddenly looking like a scared little boy, and Jared can’t help leaning over and kissing him.  
  
“More than anything,” he whispers into Jensen’s lips.  
  
“Me too,” Jensen whispers back.  
  
Jared nods, kissing him again and reaching between them to line himself up at Jensen’s opening. He pushes forward just a little, letting just the head of his cock slip passed Jensen’s rim, stopping when Jensen gasps in what sounds more like pain than pleasure. Jared stills himself completely, even though his dick is screaming at him to move. When Jared leans back enough to see, Jensen’s forehead is scrunched into a frown again, and it makes Jared ache inside to think he’s hurting Jensen.  
  
“M’sorry,” he says again. “You want me to stop?”  
  
“No, god, no just … gimme a second,” Jensen answers. He takes a deep breath, his muscles relaxing just slightly and allowing Jared to slip in a little further.  
  
“Okay. That’s good, breathe,” Jared coos softly, picking up on what Jensen’s already trying to do. He dips down and kisses Jensen again, deeply, and then he peppers kisses along Jensen’s jaw and up to his ear. “Let me in. Wanna make you feel so good. So fuckin’ hot, Jensen,” he murmurs, right into Jensen’s ear.  
  
Jared’s words have the desired effect – Jensen moans softly and unclenches enough that Jared’s able to slide the rest of the way in. Being completely incased in Jensen’s tight heat, it’s so amazing it’s completely indescribable. Jensen slides both his hands up into Jared’s hair, cupping the back of Jared’s head.  
  
“Are you okay?” Jared asks, even though the muscles in his legs and arms are starting to quiver with the exertion it’s taking to hold himself back.  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen breathes, blinking up at Jared with eyes that are glazed over and lust-darkened again. “Shit. M’good, you can move.”  
  
Jared wants to ask if he’s sure, fully intends to, but his body wins out over his brain, and he finds himself pulling out and then pushing back in, painstakingly slow. Jensen groans and his eyes flutter closed, and Jared hears himself make a high-pitched sound he’s quite sure he’s never made before. It’s _perfect_, the slide in and out of Jensen is smooth but it’s still so damned tight and Jared can barely control himself with how good it feels. He picks up his speed and finds a good rhythm; Jensen wraps his legs around Jared’s waist so he can buck up into Jared’s increasing thrusts. He shifts just a little, tilting his hips upward, and then the tip of Jared’s cock obviously hits Jensen’s prostate because Jensen cries out harshly.  
  
“_God_,” he moans, grabbing Jared’s face again and pulling him down for a brutal kiss. “More, c’mon. Harder, Jay, please.”  
  
Jared is more than happy to comply; he braces his hands more sturdily on either side of Jensen’s head and just lets loose, thrusting into him with abandon. It’s nothing short of amazing, no one has ever felt this good before, and the way Jensen writhes beneath him, the beautifully broken noises he makes, has Jared close to the edge so fast his head-spins.  
  
“Close already,” he grunts, mouthing messily at Jensen’s neck. “So god damn sexy, Jensen, drivin’ me crazy.”  
  
“Shit, me too. Touch me,” Jensen pleads, his voice raspy.  
  
Transferring his weight over to one hand, Jared’s able to focus the few brain-cells he has left and gets a hand between their sweaty bodies to curl his fingers around Jensen’s cock. He rubs his palm over the leaking slit and smears the slippery fluid down over the shaft, and then he does his best to stroke it in time with the movement of his hips. He’s getting close, and Jensen is too, Jared can tell by the way his breath is catching and his eyes are rolling back in his head.  
  
“Gonna come for me?” Jared asks huskily, trying to sound seductive but way too far gone to know whether or not he pulls it off.  
  
“Yeah, fuck,” Jensen moans. A couple more good tugs and he does, exploding over Jared’s fist and dribbling down onto his own stomach.  
  
The sight of Jensen mid-orgasm combined with the way his inner muscles clench and flutter around Jared’s cock is more than enough to send him over the edge as well. He grunts Jensen’s name, panting harshly into Jensen’s ear as heat zips up and down his spine and he lets go, filling up the condom with his own slick release. Everything spins around him for a few moments, he loses track of where he is and what’s even happening other than the intense pleasure lighting up every nerve in his body. He thrusts a few more times into Jensen, shallowly, just to ride out the waves of their orgasms, and then he collapses bonelessly onto Jensen’s heaving chest.  
  
Jensen hums happily and wraps his arms around Jared’s back, fingers tracing up and down and playing in the sweat Jared can feel pooling along his spine. He lets himself float there, in the post-orgasmic haze, for a few minutes, just soaking up the blissful feeling and the heat of Jensen’s body beneath him and the heady, intoxicating smell of the two of them. When he can breathe again, he reluctantly lifts his hips enough so his softening cock slips out of Jensen’s body, and sits up so he can get the condom off. He ties it and tosses it uncaringly toward the bathroom, and then he collapses back down beside Jensen.  
  
For another minute, Jensen just stares at him, and Jared stares back. It’s not uncomfortable, but it’s not completely at ease either. It’s like they’re both trying to work out if all that really happened or not, and how they feel about it. Jensen’s gaze is somehow intense and unfocused at the same time, and Jared gets the uncanny feeling that Jensen’s looking right through him. But then, whatever Jensen was looking for he evidently finds, because he smiles. Just a little at first, and then wider, his eyes brightening and crinkling around the edges. Jared loves it when they do that.  
  
“Holy shit,” he laughs, shaking his head and still grinning from ear to ear.  
  
“Yeah,” Jared agrees shakily. “So, uh … that happened.”  
  
“Hell yeah it did,” Jensen agrees with another flippant laugh.  
  
“You good?” Jared asks, because he has to.  
  
“Amazing.” Jensen rolls over onto his side, shuffling in as close as he can and leaning against Jared.  
  
Jared snakes an arm under Jensen’s neck so he can wrap both arms around him, pulling Jensen in close and nuzzling into his hair. “_You’re_ amazing,” he whispers.  
  
“You think so?”  
  
“Mhm.”  
  
Jared can feel Jensen smiling against his skin. Jensen snuggles in a little more, pressing his forehead into Jared’s neck and sliding his arm across Jared’s stomach. It’s comfortable and warm, holding Jensen like this after the huge step they just took, and Jared’s sleepy and sated and he wants to spend the rest of the night right here, wrapped up in Jensen.  
  
“Thank you,” he murmurs into the top of Jensen’s head.  
  
“What for?”  
  
“Giving this to me, trusting me. And for bringing me here. This … this was one of the best weeks of my life, Jensen. Wish we could stay here forever.”  
  
“Me too,” Jensen agrees. He lifts his head up to press a kiss to the corner of Jared’s mouth.  
  
“We should come back next year on our break. Make it an annual thing.”  
  
“Sure,” Jensen says around a yawn. “Sounds great.”  
  
“It could be, like, our place. That’d be great, don’t you think? I had so much fun, and the dogs loved it, and – ”  
  
“Jared?” Jensen interrupts.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Sleep.”  
  
“Oh,” Jared says sheepishly. “Sorry.”  
  
“S’okay. We should get under the blankets anyway, we’ll freeze to death.”  
  
Jensen pulls away from Jared and they wiggle around until they can get themselves under the quilt. Then Jensen moves back in; Jared rolls over onto his side so they can maneuver themselves into a kind of horizontal hug, pressed together from chests to ankles. Jensen kisses Jared one more time, slow and sweet, and then he rests his forehead against Jared’s and sighs sleepily.  
  
“Goodnight, Jay.”  
  
“Night, Jen.”  
  
===

_I think it’s sinking in; days that I wonder where I’ve been_

===


	4. Part 3

===

_We’re only built to spill and wonder where the heart went_

===  
  
The drive back to the airport in Bozeman seems longer than the drive from it did, and the flight drags on forever, especially since they couldn’t get a direct one this time and have to wait almost an hour for a connection in Denver. Jared’s a little nervous about going back to their normal life. Everything was so easy at the cabin because they were alone, but he’s worried about how this new relationship of theirs is going to translate into their actual lives. They haven’t talked at all about whether they’re going to immediately go public with it or not. Jared assumes they won’t, honestly he doesn’t even really want to, at least not right away. But it’s still a conversation they will need to have. Jared’s always been a pretty open and honest person, even with the fans regardless of the fact that a lot of them are straight-up crazy, but Jensen isn’t like that at all. He’s quiet and guarded and extremely private, so Jared really isn’t sure what to expect from him when they have to actually deal with what happened between them.  
  
He tries to keep the conversation light and causal during their travels, tries to keep sending Jensen little reassuring smiles to make sure Jensen knows that they’ll figure everything out and that it’s all going to be okay, but Jensen’s even more quiet and wooden than usual, and that worries Jared too. Jared even tries to actually bring the issue up while they’re en route from Denver to L.A., but Jensen shushes him and then tugs his baseball cap down over his eyes and spends the rest of the flight pretending to be sleeping. Jared knows he’s faking it, but he doesn’t have the heart to call Jensen on it.  
  
While they’re waiting for their luggage at LAX, Jensen sits on a bench next to Jared and lets his legs fall open enough that his knee is resting against Jared’s thigh, but that’s as much physical contact as Jared gets for the whole day. Jensen doesn’t even look him in the eyes as he says goodbye, he just sort of mutters that he had a great time and that he’ll see Jared in a few days in Vancouver, and then he takes off before Jared’s picked up the dogs, so Jared can’t follow him. He wants to put it out of his mind, to just tell himself that Jensen’s never been one for public displays of affection even before they became more than friends, and that that’s the only thing going on. But honestly, Jensen’s strange behavior really troubles Jared, because he remembers that giant hug Jensen gave him in the airport in Bozeman a week ago. He remembers Jensen clinging to him and burying his face in Jared’s neck and not letting go even when Jared tried to. Jensen didn’t seem to be too adverse to the whole PDA thing then, so why is he now?  
  
It could very well be that he just isn’t ready for the world to know what he and Jared are to each other now, and he’s just over-compensating because he’s worried even the smallest touch might be photographed and obsessed over and misinterpreted. That’s the explanation Jared’s choosing to go with, because the only other one he can fathom is that Jensen regrets everything they did at the cabin, and the thought is too horrible. Jared doesn’t even want to think about it.  
  
It’s really not even two full days before he has to be back at the airport and shipping all his stuff back to Canada for the next few months, but even the short time away from Jensen feels like a lifetime. Jared got so used to having him there, beside him on the couch and across from him at the table and in his arms in bed. And he hates his apartment. Between spending seven or eight months of the year in Vancouver and the rest of his free time traveling all over the world to conventions and promotions and whatever else, Jared hardly actually spends any time here anymore. It’s really just more of a home base than an actual home. His home is in Vancouver, in his house, with Jensen. His place in L.A. feels only slightly less unfamiliar than a hotel room.  
  
Really, the only perk of spending time here is that he usually gets to see Chad, but Chad’s in New York right now, so Jared essentially spends the next forty-eight hours in another slump. It’s a bit ridiculous, the kind of power Jensen has over him. When he’s with Jensen, the whole world just seems brighter. He smiles more, he laughs more, he sees beauty everywhere he goes. And then as soon as Jensen goes away, it’s like suddenly the lamps go out and Jared lives in darkness until his friend’s (boyfriend’s?) blinding smile lights everything up again. It was bad enough when they were just friends – assuming they ever actually were _just friends_, which now Jared doubts – but now that they’re more, Jared feels all kinds of incomplete without Jensen by his side.  
  
Sadie and Harley try their best to make him feel better, they stick close to him wherever he goes and they push their noses into his legs and Sadie rests her chin on his knee whenever he sits down, but even they can’t drive how much he misses Jensen from his mind. He can’t help it. Jensen’s always been everything to him, and now he’s everything plus a little bit more. Now, he’s filled up all those places inside Jared, all the holes he never even knew were there. So Jared exists in silence and does his best to wait out the darkness, counting the minutes until he gets to see Jensen again and his soul gets glued back together.  
  
It’s a little pathetic probably, but hell, he’s always had a flair for the dramatic. He’s an actor, after all. He figures he’s entitled.  
  
===

_An empty room, I’m empty too, and everything reminds me of you_

===  
  
When he rounds the corner and turns onto the street his and Jensen’s house is on, Jared almost bursts into tears with how good it is to finally catch sight of their little home. He doesn’t think coming home has ever felt this good before. He’s always liked his house, _their_ house, but he’s never missed it this much while he was away before. He’s seriously considering just staying here in Vancouver the next time they get time off; this feels way more like home than his place in L.A. ever has. Jared loves it here, and now that he’s got the added bonus of Jensen there waiting for him, he can’t help flooring the accelerator a little so he can shave a few seconds off the time between now and the moment he’ll get to be back in Jensen’s arms. Back where he belongs.  
  
Sadie and Harley yip excitedly in the backseat, recognizing the house as Jared pulls his truck into the driveway.  
  
“Excited to be home, guys?” he asks, grinning at them in the rearview mirror. They bark a little louder, and Jared laughs. “Me too.”  
  
He climbs out of the cab and opens the back door to let the dogs out; they both leap onto the ground and bound toward the door, tripping over one another in their haste to get inside. Jared ignores the stacks of suitcases and boxes in the back of his pickup – there’ll be time for unpacking later. Right now he just wants to find Jensen, grab him and kiss him and drag him upstairs to his bed and get lost in him. It’s only been a few days but it’s felt like months. Jared’s never been so hard up in his life, even though he’s had _way_ longer dry spells than this. Hell, the break between Sandy and Genevieve was almost a whole year, and even then Jared wasn’t nearly this desperate. He must just like Jensen that much. The thought is a little intimidating, but it’s also wonderful.  
  
The dogs announce their presence with loud barks when Jared opens the door, darting inside and skidding around on the hardwood as they sniff everything and get themselves acquainted with their home again. Jensen appears out of the doorway of his bedroom after only a few seconds, dressed in faded jeans and an AC/DC t-shirt. His hair is messy, like he hadn’t done anything but run a towel over it after he got out of the shower, and his face is creased on one side like he’d been resting his head on a pillow.  
  
He’s beautiful.  
  
“Jensen,” Jared breathes, his relief almost overwhelming at seeing the other man. He knew Jensen was home, saw his car in the driveway, but even still, actually seeing him in the flesh brings an onslaught of emotions that takes Jared by surprise.  
  
“Hey.” Jensen smiles, but it looks a little forced. “How was your flight?”  
  
Jared starts to answer, but then Sadie spots Jensen and makes a mad dash for him, almost knocking him over as she goes up on her hind legs and plants her paws firmly on his stomach as a greeting.  
  
“Hi baby!” Jensen cries, his face breaking into a real smile upon sight of her. He kneels down and buries his fingers in her fur, petting her hello as she yips at him. “Miss me?”  
  
“‘Course she did,” Jared says happily. “She likes you more than she likes me, you know that, right?”  
  
“Aw, m’sure that’s not true.” Jensen pets her for another minute, and then he gives Harley some attention when he wanders over to get in on the action. “You guys wanna go outside?” Jensen asks, standing up and walking over to the sliding glass door that leads to their backyard. The dogs follow him dutifully and sprint into the yard when he opens the door for them. He watches them go, chuckling fondly, and then slides the screen door closed so they can still hear them, and turns back to Jared.  
  
“So,” he starts; that strange, half-uncomfortable look back on his face. “You, uh, want some help unloading your stuff?”  
  
“Later,” Jared replies. Jensen’s odd behavior is unnerving him a little, but he figures Jensen’s just a little unsure of what they’re supposed to do now. Jared’s happy to take the lead. He steps across the room and pulls Jensen into a hug. “Hi,” he murmurs, brushing his nose against Jensen’s hair and breathing in his clean scent. “Shit, I missed you like crazy, man.”  
  
Jensen hugs him back, but he pulls away sooner than Jared would like. Jared frowns down at him – Jensen’s eyes are wide and he looks a little uncertain, maybe, but he doesn’t look upset or anything, so Jared leans down and kisses him. His lips are just as soft and warm as Jared remembers, and Jensen sort of kisses him back for a few seconds, but then he stops. He angles his head down a bit, forehead resting against Jared’s, and exhales shakily.  
  
“What’re you doin’?” he asks.  
  
Jared frowns even deeper. “Kissing you?”  
  
“Why?”  
  
He has absolutely no idea how to answer that question. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, why Jensen’s pulling away from him, and it’s making his chest ache. “Why? Because I haven’t seen you in a few days? Because couples kiss each other hello?”  
  
This time, Jensen moves completely out of Jared’s embrace. He takes a few steps back and looks up at Jared from under a furrowed brow. “Couple? You … you think we’re a couple?”  
  
Jared’s pretty sure his heart actually stops for a few beats. “Yes?” he answers weakly. “We – we aren’t?”  
  
Jensen eyes him warily. All the color has drained out of his face and his eyes are narrowed now, like he’s a little confused but mostly like he’s sad. “Jared, I … I never said we were in a relationship.”  
  
Jared gapes at him. This can’t be happening, it just can’t. This isn’t at all how today was supposed to go. He was supposed to barge dramatically through the door and Jensen was supposed to run at him and jump into his arms, and then they were supposed to spend the rest of the day in bed so Jared could feel whole again. And instead, Jensen’s telling him that they aren’t even together? That they never were?  
  
“You – well, no, okay, not in so many words! But you said a lot of other things! You said you had feelings for me! You said you wanted me!”  
  
“Jay …” Jensen starts heavily, but Jared cuts him off.  
  
“No! I don’t – where’s all this even coming from? Cause I gotta tell you, it sure as hell seemed like we were in a relationship a few days ago!”  
  
“That was at the cabin,” Jensen says quietly, wringing his hands together and staring intently at them so he doesn’t have to look at Jared. “This is the real world, Jared, things are different here.”  
  
Jared feels like his entire world just got pulled out from under him like a rug. He feels like he’s falling and it’ll never stop. “So you … what, you were just using me for sex because we were on vacation?”  
  
“What? No, I wasn’t using you for –”  
  
“It kinda seems like you were!” Jared interrupts again. “I thought you cared about me, I thought you wanted us to be together!”  
  
“I never said that!” Jensen protests. “I mean, of course I care about you, but we never said we were gonna be boyfriends or something! Look, Jay, I’m sorry if you read more into it than what it was, but I never said –”  
  
“You know, everything we did last week, we did because of you!” Jared fires at him, his temper rising to a boiling point as he realizes exactly how much Jensen played him and what an _idiot _he was to fall for it. “You’re the one who pulled me into bed with you, _you_ were the one who kissed _me_! You asked me to fuck you, for god’s sake! You initiated every single thing we did at that god-damn cabin, so don’t try to make it seem like this is my fault!”  
  
“I’m not! I … we shouldn’t have done what we did, okay?”  
  
“Why the fuck not?” Jared shouts.  
  
“Because of Danneel!”  
  
Jared frowns, confused, and Jensen continues in a tired voice.  
  
“You broke up with Genevieve, but I never broke up with Danneel. Do you even realize that? While we were spending the week exploring our apparently latent homosexual tendencies, I was still in a relationship with someone else! I _cheated_ on her, Jared! And I know that isn’t your fault, I know that’s on me. But I’m not okay with it! I swore to myself a long time ago I would never cheat on anyone, because I have _been_ cheated on and I know how much it sucks! I promised myself I’d never make anyone feel the way I did!”  
  
“Well it’s a little late for that!” Jared snaps. “If you really cared that much about Danneel’s feelings, you wouldn’t have cheated on her in the first place! You’re not making things _better_ now by _continuing_ to lie to her!”  
  
“What the hell else am I supposed to do?” Jensen cries. “I can’t break up with her now! She’ll want to know why and then I’ll have to tell her and then she’ll know I was screwing around with you behind her back!”  
  
Jared glares at him. “You are a piece of work, you know that? You’re so full of it, this isn’t about protecting Danneel’s feeling at all! This is about you covering your ass! You can’t treat people this way! There are rules, Jensen! You don’t get to fuck around with me behind your girlfriend’s back and then just expect me to keep quiet about it like nothing happened!”  
  
Jensen shakes his head a few times, more like he’s upset than outright disagreeing with what Jared said, and then he sighs. “Jared, I’m sorry. I hate myself for hurting you, I really do. But I don’t know what else to do, here. You and me … it was good, okay, it was. But we’re not just two regular guys, Jay! We can’t just be together and have it be that simple! Even if I wished we could, it doesn’t work that way!”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because! Because we’re on a TV show! Because we’ve got fans who follow us like a cult! Because we couldn’t even hold hands in public without pictures being taken and blogs being written and people all over the world talking about it! Is that really what you want?”  
  
“I – I don’t know!” Jared growls exasperatedly. “I don’t know, okay? But I’d like to at least be given the option! I’d like this to be something you and I talk about and decide together! You’re just writing us off! Because you’re afraid of what people would think if they knew we were together, you’re not even willing to give it a chance!”  
  
“We _aren’t_ together. Look, I really am sorry, but that’s just how it has to be. I can’t do this, I can’t be that guy.”  
  
“Yeah, you’re fuckin’ right about that. You can’t be that guy, because being _that guy_ would require you to have a little something called courage, something you obviously know nothing about!” Jared retorts. He’s not sure he actually means that, more like he’s just mad and he’s lashing out, but he doesn’t think he’s too far off-base, really. They could be together if Jensen were willing to try. It wouldn’t be easy, Jared never expected it to be, but they _could_ make it work. If Jensen were willing. And it breaks Jared’s heart to know he isn’t.  
  
He clenches his jaw and rubs his eyes to keep back the tears that are threatening to fall; moving away from Jensen and into the living room so he can collapse down on the couch. Less than a half hour ago, he had been so _happy_. He was coming home, to a person he cared about and he thought cared about him in return. He’d been looking forward to starting a new chapter of his life, with his best friend, his _everything_. And now everything’s fallen to pieces in the span of about ten minutes, and Jared doesn’t have the first idea how to even begin dealing with it.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jensen says again, from somewhere behind Jared.  
  
“Save it,” Jared snaps harshly. “I’m so not interested in your bullshit excuses right now.”  
  
“God, _this_ is exactly your problem, Jared!” Jensen walks around to the middle of the room, standing right in front of Jared so he has no choice but to look at him. “You don’t think! You just do things, you do whatever you want and you don’t think about what’s gonna happen tomorrow!”  
  
“So what? So I live in the moment, what’s wrong with that?!”  
  
“What’s wrong with that, is that moments pass!” Jensen cries exasperatedly. “It’s all well and good to live like there’s no tomorrow, except that there always _is_ a tomorrow! And we’re still gonna be here when it comes! We’ll still have to deal with the fallout!”  
  
“Oh, is that what you think you’re doing right now?” Jared spits sarcastically. “Dealing with the fallout? ‘Cause to me, it looks more like you’re just running away because things got a little too real. Let me tell you something, I would _love_ to deal with the fallout! But in order for that to happen, you would have to actually _deal_ with something, instead of pushing away any emotions that make you uncomfortable!”  
  
Jensen shakes his head a few times, slowly, like he’s lost for words. And he blinks like he’s trying to keep back tears. Jared knows exactly how he feels. The last few minutes have been like a hurricane, twisting and turning everything in his life around until he has no idea where left or right is anymore. Everything is inside out and upside down and Jared’s nauseous and scared and devastated and a million other things he doesn’t have words for right now.  
  
“What’re we gonna do?” Jared asks helplessly. He wishes like crazy he could pull Jensen down into his arms and let him make everything better again like only Jensen can. But for the first time in their relationship, this problem can’t be fixed with a hug and a few beers and a movie night. This is bigger than that, it’s bigger than _them_.  
  
“I don’t know,” Jensen answers, slumping down into the chair across from Jared. “Maybe … maybe I should move into a hotel for a while. Give us a little time apart.”  
  
If possible, Jared’s heart clenches even tighter at that. “You wanna leave?”  
  
“No. No, I don’t want to even a little bit, but I don’t know what else to do. We can’t both keep living here and pretend like this never happened. That’s not gonna be good for anybody. This is your home, Jared, I don’t wanna turn it into a place you’ll hate being.”  
  
“It’s your home too,” Jared protests. Try as he might, he can’t stop a tear or two from spilling down his cheeks. He knows nothing he could say would make any difference. He knows Jensen – he knows what Jensen sounds like when he’s already made up his mind.  
  
Jensen stands up, hesitantly stepping towards Jared and leaning down to press a quick kiss to the top of Jared’s head. “M’ so sorry, Jay. I never meant for any of this to happen. You mean so much to me, I really hate that I hurt you. I know that’s not enough to make up for … well. I’m just gonna pack a bag, okay? I’ll … I’ll call and let you know where I’m staying.”  
  
Jared doesn’t even wait for Jensen to disappear into his bedroom before he gets up off the couch and practically sprints up the stairs to his own room. He slams the door harder than he meant to, shaking the whole frame of the house, and throws himself face-first down onto his bed. To think, just a little while ago he’d actually been imagining ending up in this very bed tonight _with_ Jensen, naked and wrapped around each other, falling asleep happy and sated and sticky with well-earned sweat. And now he’s here, alone, crying silently into his pillow and listening to the horrible sounds of Jensen packing some clothes into a duffel bag and walking out of Jared’s life.  
  
===

_There’s no yellow bricks to follow back and run from that disaster_

===  
  
All Jared has to say about the plot of their fifth season so far, is that it’s damn lucky Sam and Dean are so at odds with each other right now. Because things between him and Jensen have _never_ been this tense, and if they were expected to be playing the old Sam and Dean, two brothers slash partners slash best friends who love each other to Hell and back, Jared’s not sure they could’ve pulled it off. One of the biggest reasons the show ever worked in the first place was because Jared loved Jensen almost as much as Sam loves Dean. And now … well. The animosity between them is palpable; everyone can feel it, although thankfully most people are assuming they’re just taking the whole method acting thing a little too seriously. They’ve been getting compliments left, right and center over how good they’re doing; how real and believable and visceral the tension is between them when they’re playing a scene. And they take the compliments with a smile, but the truth is they’re barely acting at all. Dean is furious and feels betrayed and Sam is hurt and used and misunderstood, and it all lends itself pretty nicely to the situation Jared finds himself in with Jensen.  
  
The first few days, Jared’s so miserable he calls in sick. Party because he can’t stomach the idea of facing Jensen, but mostly because he’s pretty sure even the whole makeup department couldn’t cover up how puffy his eyes are from crying himself to sleep. He hasn’t done that since he was ten years old, but after Jensen left it was all he _could_ do. Jared had such high hopes for him and Jensen, he thought they were going to be amazing together, he thought he’d finally found the right person to spend the rest of his life with. As silly and sappy as it is, he thought he’d found his happily ever after. And then he lost it just as quickly as he’d gotten it, so really, Jared doesn’t think his reaction was all that excessive. He doesn’t think anyone would fault him for it, but he can’t _tell_ anyone, so he’s stuck in his own little cocoon of anguish.  
  
He exists as a mere shell of the person he used to be. He eats and sleeps and walks the dogs, but nothing he does feels right without Jensen there with him. Jensen had been such a pivotal part of Jared’s life, even before the cabin, and it feels completely wrong to not have him there across the table at breakfast or beside him on the couch. It’s still Jared’s house, but it feels almost foreign now that it doesn’t contain Jensen’s mess and Jensen’s smell and Jensen’s infectious laughter. It’s too big for him alone, it feels empty and cold and much too quiet. That’s why Jensen had moved in with him in the first place, after all; because Sandy was gone and Jared isn’t good at being alone. The dogs miss him too – on the third day, Jared found Sadie whining and pawing at Jensen’s bedroom door. When he opened it, she jumped up onto Jensen’s bed and slept there for hours, and it broke Jared’s heart all over again. They were a family, the four of them, and now they’re broken.  
  
When he eventually does pluck up the courage to stop pretending he has the flu and go back to work, it’s exactly as awful as he was anticipating. Maybe worse. Seeing Jensen, even from across the set, has tears prickling at the corners of Jared’s eyes and his stomach churning so violently he has to clench his jaw to keep his breakfast down. Jensen’s eyes meet Jared’s, just briefly, and a little flicker of recognition and sadness passes over his features, but it’s gone as quickly as it came. And then Jensen just shuts down. Jared watches it happen in slow motion, has seen it happen many times before because Jensen’s sort of emotionally stunted and he puts up walls to protect himself, just like Dean does. Jared’s watched this happen in interviews when the questions get too personal, and he’s watched it happen after a particularly emotional scene when Jensen’s struggling to shake Dean off. But Jared’s never been on this side of it before. He’s never been the thing Jensen’s protecting himself from.  
  
It’s horrible.  
  
For the first hour or so, it’s awkward as hell and Jared hates it. And then, it just becomes unpleasant, and Jared hates that even more. They don’t speak to each other when they aren’t Sam and Dean. Everything that he used to love about his job is gone now. He used to love working with his best friend, he used to enjoy being here for all those ridiculously long and trying hours. Working with Jensen was a pleasure; he’s so talented and dedicated and such a hard worker, and Jared used to find it inspiring and just plain fun to act along side him. Now, all he feels is uncomfortable mashed with a healthy dose of heartbreak. It really hurts to be close to Jensen, to smell him and hear his deep, gravel-rough voice and see his incredible green eyes. Especially when Jared’s smelled Jensen when he’s covered in sweat and come, he’s heard that voice beg for Jared’s touch, and he’s seen those eyes when they’re lust-blown.  
  
They bump into each other, literally, around the back of Jared’s trailer one day. Jared’s instinctive reaction is anger; he snaps at Jensen to watch where he’s going and the look on Jensen’s face is so wounded it almost guilts Jared into backing down and apologizing. But he doesn’t, because he wants to be angry. He wants to be furious at Jensen for doing this, for stringing Jared along and breaking his heart and for being too cowardly to even give them a chance. The problem is, in reality he isn’t mad at Jensen at all. He’s completely miserable without him. And he still _wants_ Jensen; that’s the really messed up part. He catches the scent of Jensen’s cologne or he sees Jensen’s blinding, beautiful smile, and all he wants in the world is to be back at that cabin, in Jensen’s arms. He resents Jensen for causing him so much pain, but the truth is, he’d probably go running back to Jensen like an obedient puppy if Jensen said ‘come’. Jared hates himself a little for it.  
  
It goes on that way for almost a month. It’s the worst time in Jared’s life; he can’t even remember the last time he was this depressed. Somehow the sun isn’t as bright anymore. It’s stupid, and Jared knows it isn’t actually possible, but it’s like all the sparkle has gone out of the world. Work isn’t fun anymore, being at home isn’t fun anymore – nothing is what it used to be and everything is a shallow reflection of the wonderful life Jared used to have and lost the second Jensen’s lips first touched his. Jensen turned his whole world upside down and Jared doesn’t have the first idea of how to right things again. He has a horrible suspicion that nothing ever _will_ be right again. It’s entirely possible that Jensen’s ruined him for anyone else. Jared doesn’t want to believe it’s true, but he doesn’t know what else to think.  
  
The worst part is that aside from that first week, Jensen hasn’t seemed affected by any of this. He’s nothing if not a fantastic actor, so Jared’s not entirely convinced Jensen’s actually as balanced as he seems, but even still. He completely ignores Jared unless he absolutely has to talk to him, but around everyone else he’s right back to the same old Jensen. He smiles, he laughs, he jokes around with Misha and chats with Eric and gives the wardrobe girls a hard time when they try to put him in tight t-shirts. To look at Jensen, you wouldn’t have the first clue that anything’s wrong; that anything ever _was_ wrong. Jared really thinks that’s what hurts the most – knowing that while he’s a completely inconsolable mess, Jensen’s doing just fine. His smiles might be a little more hollow than usual, a little less bright maybe, but at least he’s able to smile.  
  
Jared thought he meant more to Jensen then that. He thought their friendship was strong enough that Jensen would be at least a _little_ upset over losing it. But he isn’t, and more than anything else, that’s like a hot knife right to the gut that Jared can’t ever pull out.  
  
===

_I’m on the ledge, while you’re so god damn polite and composed_

===  
  
To make matters worse, as if that’s actually possible, Jared comes home after a particularly long and shitty day of filming to find a message blinking on his answering machine from Genevieve saying she was in Vancouver and she’d be stopping by. She’d left it the night before but Jared didn’t check before he left his house that morning, which leaves him literally no time to prepare since there’s a sharp knock at the door less than thirty seconds after the message ends. He closes his eyes, squeezing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger against the headache that’s threatening to explode at the base of his skull. He really, really doesn’t have the energy or the emotional capacity to deal with her right now, but she’s _here _and he can’t just leave her stranded on the doorstep.  
  
“Hi,” she answers in a tentative voice when he wrenches the door open. She’s dressed in jeans and a simple button-down shirt, sunglasses on the top of her head pushing back her dark hair, and a vintage leather messenger bag slung over her shoulder. She sort of looks like a female version of Jared – she kind of _is_ a female version of Jared, he realizes with a sickening twist in his gut, and maybe that’s exactly why things never worked out with them. Jared doesn’t want to be with someone who’s that similar to him – he doesn’t _like_ himself. He sort of thinks he’s a complete idiot, actually, which means that she must be one too, and Jared’s suddenly irrationally angry with her.  
  
“What d’you want, Gen?” he asks callously, and she bristles and narrows her eyes.  
  
“Oh, that’s nice,” she snaps, pushing passed him and storming into his house – into his space, into his _life _– three places where he definitely doesn’t want her. “So it’s not enough that you strung me along for months, pretended to be in love with me, bailed on me at my _parents’_ house, and broke up with me out of practically nowhere? Now you’re gonna throw that attitude my way like this is _my_ fault?”  
  
She’s right, Jared knows she is. The truth is that he really didn’t treat her as well as maybe he should have, especially near the end. But his life has become such a hurricane of _suck_ lately that he doesn’t have the patience to sugarcoat it for her. “I’m not in the mood for this, alright? Tell me what you’re doing here or get the hell out.”  
  
She huffs in annoyance, glaring at him in return and not backing down. “Fine, asshole. I’m here for my stuff. So just get it for me and then you don’t ever have to see me again.”  
  
“What’re you talking about?”  
  
“We dated for almost six months, I left a bunch of my shit here! CDs and clothes and whatever. I want it back.” _You idiot_, she doesn’t need to add. Jared hears it in her voice.  
  
Now that she mentions it, there is a little cardboard box in the back of Jared’s closet with a bunch of her things in it. Jared had forgotten about it until she brought it up, mostly because he never thought she’d actually come looking for it. She’s not on the show anymore, so there was really no reason for her to come back to Vancouver.  
  
“Yeah, okay,” he mumbles, heading up the stairs to get it. He shoves a few piles of clothes out of the way so he can reach it, and then jogs back down the stairs and thrusts it into her hands. “Pretty sure I threw out your toothbrush.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, like I came all the way up here to get my _toothbrush_ back,” she says sarcastically. “I know I’m not a big _star_ like you are but I think I’ll survive that financial setback.”  
  
Jared has to grit his teeth to keep from screaming at her. They never fought like this, not once in the whole time they were dating, not even when they were breaking up. He never knew she could be this cold, but he never knew he could be either.  
  
“So what about my stuff?” he asks.  
  
“Please, what stuff?” she scoffs. “I think you were at my place a total of, like, three times. You never wanted to come to L.A. with me, remember? ‘Cause god forbid you spend more than a few hours away from _Jensen_.”  
  
Jared ignores the taunt and the sneer on her normally pretty face. “Okay, that’s enough. You got your shit, why are you still here?”  
  
“I guess I’ll go then,” she mutters, shooting another glare at him when he gestures rudely toward the door, and then she stomps over to it. Right before her hand reaches the knob, though, she turns back. She still looks angry, but maybe not quite as much. And she looks a little sad too. “Y’know, I didn’t do this, Jared,” she says softly, and he frowns.  
  
“Didn’t do what?”  
  
“Any of it. _You_ broke up with _me_. You were the one who asked me out in the first place, you were the one who made it seem like we had a future together and then changed your mind. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was for me when you just left like that? What was I supposed to tell my family, huh? They were all excited to meet you, and everything was going fine, then you just freaked out and took off and wouldn’t even tell me why.”  
  
Jared sighs. The uncontrollable fury that had a grip on him only a few seconds ago is kind of dissipating now, leaving him feeling mostly like a huge jerk for being so hostile to her. Much as he’d like to blame things on her, she’s right; the way it ended between them wasn’t her fault. And Jared isn’t really mad at her, he’s just mad in general. He flops down onto the couch, slumping into the cushions and digging the heels of his palms into his eyes.  
  
“Breaking up sucks, believe me, I know,” she continues. “So it’s okay if you’re upset, but it’s not okay that you’re taking it out on me.”  
  
“I know,” he says quietly. “I’m sorry.”  
  
She just looks at him for a moment, he can feel her eyes on him, and then she sets her bag and the box down on the floor and joins him on the couch, perching her small body precariously on the edge of the cushion. For another long moment, she doesn’t say anything and Jared doesn’t either. When she does speak, her voice is tiny and wistful.  
  
“I talked to Sandy,” she starts tentatively.  
  
Jared looks up at her. “You what?”  
  
“Right after we broke up. I had my agent track her down.”  
  
“Why would you wanna talk to Sandy?”  
  
She grimaces apologetically and swallows audibly. “Because I wanted to know why things didn’t work out with you two, why you called off the engagement. I couldn’t ever get you to tell me the real reason. And if there was a chance you ended things with me for the same one, I wanted to know what it was.”  
  
“I don’t _know_ the real reason, I told you that already,” Jared points out exasperatedly, like he has a hundred times before to countless different people who’ve asked him that question. “Things just changed, we drifted apart.”  
  
“Maybe that’s how _you_ remember it. But that’s not what happened,” she says, like she knows what the hell she’s talking about, and that revs Jared up again a little.  
  
“You don’t know shit,” he mumbles, and she fixes him with a hard look.  
  
“I know that I always felt like I never had your full attention whenever Jensen was around. I know that I felt like an outsider around you two, like you had this special connection between you that I was intruding on. I know that you said you loved me, and part of me wanted to believe you, but a bigger part of me noticed right away that you _never_ looked at me the way you looked at him.”  
  
Jared doesn’t answer, doesn’t want her to know that she’s right again. He’s starting to get sick of being wrong about absolutely everything. He supposes he should be shocked or annoyed or _something_ that she knew how he felt about Jensen before he knew it himself, but he isn’t. Now that he thinks about it, it isn’t surprising. He remembers that she never really took to Jensen like she did the rest of the crew. He remembers her seeming put out whenever he suggested the three of them spend time together. And he remembers catching her glaring at Jensen on more than one occasion when she thought no one was looking. He didn’t think much of it, at the time, because Jensen can be hard to get along with before you get to know him. But now, it makes sense.  
  
“Sandy noticed it too,” Genevieve continues gently, and yep, Jared should really have seen that one coming as well. He _knew_ things started changing between him and Sandy after she’d guest-starred on the show. He just never figured out _why_.  
  
He sighs again and still, he doesn’t say anything, and Genevieve echoes his sigh and pats his arm.  
  
“Look, I’m not here to tell you how to live your life, okay? I just … there’s something between you and him. Everyone who gets close to either of you can see it. I really liked you, Jared. I thought we were good together, but I … well. Anyway, point is, I’d feel a lot better about our relationship ending if I knew some good could come out of it. That’s all I’m gonna say.”  
  
Jared glances up at her and she smiles sadly, kissing him briefly on the cheek before getting up and walking back to the door. “Take care of yourself,” is the last thing she says, and then she’s gone, and Jared feels like the last twenty minutes were an earthquake shaking his entire existence until it’s nothing but dust. Nothing feels real anymore, everything is like it’s happening to someone else, like Jared’s watching it all from somewhere far away. He’s just numb, and it’s kind of nice for a change.  
  
===

_Familiar sins come crashing in and sever, forever and after_

===


	5. Part 4

===

_Shallow graves for shallow hearts, for pick-me-ups and fall-aparts_   
_For promises that never started right_

===  
  
Jared doesn’t realize he’s fallen asleep until his cell phone startles him awake. He’s still groggy as he struggles to untangle himself from the blanket he’d been curled up with on the couch, and he just barely stops himself from tumbling to the ground in a heap of trapped limbs and the book he’d only been pretending to read. And, because apparently the universe hates him, when he finally does manage to get up, he trips over Harley twice in his haste to get to the phone. He stubs his toe the second time, snaps at Harley to get out of his way, and then feels awful at the hurt look on the dog’s face. By the time he actually reaches the kitchen table where he’d left his phone, he’s right back to scowling and fuming and has half a mind to just throw the damn thing out the window.  
  
“Hello?” he answers, much too harshly.  
  
“JT?” his mom’s concerned voice floats over the line. “Baby, what’s wrong?”  
  
Jared wasn’t expecting it to be her; he didn’t check the caller ID before he answered, and her voice is a slight shock to his system. Then, it crumbles him. The fact that she could instantly tell something was wrong tugs at his heartstrings. “I … it’s nothing,” he lies. “Just had a long day.”  
  
“Jared Tristan Padalecki, don’t you lie to me,” she warns. Jared can picture her putting her free hand on her hip as it juts out to the side.  
  
He sighs and sits down heavily at the table, resting his elbow on its surface and dropping his head down to rest on his hand. He really, really doesn’t want to talk about this, especially with his mom. She’ll be too sweet and too understanding and she’ll make him cry. Jared is currently in the middle of a record-setting four days without tears, and he’s not particularly keen on breaking his, albeit slightly pathetic, streak.  
  
“I can’t really talk about it. I’m alright, though, okay? You don’t have to worry,” he assures. “It’s just been a rough couple’a weeks.”  
  
“You know you can talk to me about anythin’, right?”  
  
“I know, Momma.”  
  
“You just sound so sad, I wish I could be there to hug ya.”  
  
Jared sniffs. Damn it, he isn’t even talking about what happened with Jensen and she’s still going to make him cry. The woman has powers.  
  
“Please tell me?” she asks softly. “You’ll feel better if you do.”  
  
“Don’t think it’ll work that way this time,” Jared replies dejectedly.  
  
“Well, what are you doing today? Is Jensen around?”  
  
Jared’s breath catches in his throat and he doesn’t answer, but that seems to be all the answer she needs. Jared’s eerily reminded of the phone conversation he had with Jensen over a month ago, just after he’d broken up with Genevieve and all it took was Jared’s pointed silence for Jensen to figure out something was wrong.  
  
“Oh no. What happened with Jensen?”  
  
“How did you …?” Jared starts incredulously, but she cuts him off.  
  
“Please, I’m your mother! A mother knows these things. Now out with it. Did you have a fight?”  
  
“Sort of.” Jared squirms in his chair; even from thousands of miles away and even though she can’t see him, he still feels like she’s looking right through him. He really was never able to keep anything from her. “We, um … we kinda …”  
  
“Oh, baby, you didn’t!” she cries. “Does he not feel the same way about you?”  
  
For what feels like the longest minute of his life, Jared just sits there with his brain on pause and his mouth hanging open. He has no idea how she figured out exactly what happened when all he actually said was “we kinda”. It’s a little bit frightening. Either she’s more magical than he thought she was, or he’s just really, really ridiculously transparent. Probably it’s the latter, seeing as apparently both Genevieve _and_ Sandy figured all this out too.  
  
“Okay, that’s … how the hell did you … there’s no way you just guessed that!” Jared splutters.  
  
His mom clicks her tongue and huffs. “You are a great many things, my sweet boy, but you have a downright embarrassingly bad poker face.”  
  
“You can’t even see me!” Jared protests.  
  
“Poker _voice_, then. Honey, you have been head over heels for that boy since the day you met him. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that. So c’mon, now. Tell me what happened.”  
  
“I … you don’t care?” he asks tentatively.  
  
“Care about what?”  
  
“That … that he’s a he.”  
  
“Why should I care about that?” she says briskly. “I have two other kids to give me grandbabies. I want you to be happy, Jared. And if Jensen’s what makes you happy, then that’s what you should do. Or, rather, _he’s_ what you should do.”  
  
“Mom!” Jared groans.  
  
“What?” she laughs. “A momma can’t make a joke?”  
  
“Not about … that!”  
  
“I have had sex before, JT. Y’know, given that I have three kids and all.”  
  
“Okay, seriously, stop.” Jared closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “That is really not what I need to be thinking about.”  
  
“Alright, fine, ya big baby. Now, for the third time, tell me what happened.”  
  
“We …” Jared sighs heavily and slumps down further in the chair. He tries to figure out how to tell her without going too much into detail. “We had a … a night, together. And I thought it meant something, but he doesn’t wanna be with me. And now everything’s really weird, and I don’t know what to do.”  
  
“I’m so sorry, sweetie,” she coos softly. “That’s awful. Wish there was something I could do.”  
  
Jared shrugs. “I’ll be okay, eventually, I guess. I’ll get over him. Just feels kinda impossible right now.”  
  
“I know. But baby, maybe don’t give up hope just yet, okay? Sometimes people run away from the things they want the most, ‘specially if they feel like they shouldn’t want them. This kinda thing can’t be easy for a person to come to terms with, and not everybody’s as comfortable in their own skin as you are. Maybe just give it a little more time. He might surprise you.”  
  
Jared doesn’t actually believe her, not at all, but he agrees anyway because she’s just trying to help. He’s never missed home as much as he does then; sometimes everything seems simpler there, where a hug from his mom and some milk and cookies was always enough to make anything better. Sometimes Jared hates being a grown up. Right now, he’d give pretty much anything to go back to the days where the worst thing that happened to him was Jeff stealing his toys in the sandbox.  
  
They chat for another couple of minutes, and then Jared pretends he hears the doorbell and has to hang up. Unsurprisingly, telling his mom about everything didn’t make him feel better about it. He supposes the silver lining is that it turns out she doesn’t care if he likes guys, but Jared’s not even sure he _does_ like guys. He just likes one guy, the one he can’t have. He wipes his slightly wet eyes with the back of his hand; he’s got the strangest urge all of a sudden to go into Jensen’s room and smash all his furniture. He doesn’t think that would end well, though, so instead he changes into basketball shorts and goes for a run. Maybe he can exercise his pain away. And just maybe, if he runs fast enough, his mountain of problems won’t be able to catch up.  
  
===

_You can take or leave me, but I won’t ever be anywhere but here_

===  
  
Just as Jared’s coming out of the shower a few days later, the doorbell actually does ring and Jared throws some sweats and a t-shirt on as quickly as he can and jogs down the stairs. He shoves the dogs out of the way and opens the door to find Chad on his front stoop, a small suitcase in his hand and a little smirk on his face that only mostly manages to mask the concern in his pale blue eyes. Jared just stares blankly at him for a minute, completely confused and wondering if it’s actually just the mailman or something and he’s developed some kind of brain tumor that’s making him imagine it’s Chad instead.  
  
“Dude, you gonna let me in or just stand there gawking at me? I charge by the hour, y’know.”  
  
Jared blinks. “What are you doing here?”  
  
“What, a guy can’t spontaneously drop everything and catch a last-minute flight to Canada to visit his best friend?”  
  
Jared raises an eyebrow and Chad rolls his eyes.  
  
“Fine, your mom called. Now move your giant ass, it’s freakin’ cold out here. I’ve only been in this damn country for an hour and I already miss California.”  
  
He steps back to let Chad into the house, closing the door behind him and frowning even more because Chad’s explanation really just raised more questions than it answered. “My mom called you? Why would my mom call you?”  
  
Chad drops his suitcase onto the floor and toes out of his shoes. “Because apparently you’re up here all alone, crying your eyes outta your pretty little head because that douchebag Ackles took away the sweet, sweet lovin’ he’s evidently been tossin’ your way. Which, by the way, you could have told me about.”  
  
Jared blinks, the room spinning for a moment while he tries to work out what the hell Chad just said. “My … my mom told you about Jensen?”  
  
“That you two porked and now he’s being a bitch? Yeah.”  
  
“Oh god,” Jared mutters, scrubbing a hand over his face. And yep, it’s definitely Chad and not a hallucination, because no one but Chad could ever sum up the situation quite like that.  
  
“Okay, so, first,” Chad begins, tossing his jacket onto the coffee table and flopping down on the couch, “I feel compelled to ask when the hell you went queer and why the hell you didn’t tell me. I thought we were friends, man.”  
  
Jared swallows thickly, his heart jack-hammering in his chest. It still feels a little surreal that Chad’s just _here_ all of a sudden with no warning and still not much of an explanation. But Chad’s always been unpredictable like that. It isn’t the first time he’s just turned up out of nowhere. So Jared takes a deep breath and sits beside him. “How much did my mom tell you?”  
  
“Not much. Just that you sounded upset on the phone and she was worried about you and thought maybe you’d rather talk to me about all this instead of her.”  
  
“Did she ask you to come visit me?”  
  
“Nooo,” Chad says, drawing the word out like it should have been obvious. “I had a few days off and I wanted to make sure you were okay. That’s what friends do. What they _don’t_ do, is have sex with their male co-star and keep quiet about it.”  
  
“I, look, I haven’t told anyone, okay?” Jared sighs.  
  
“You told your mom.”  
  
“I didn’t _tell_ her, she guessed. Because mothers know these things and I have a bad poker face, or something to that effect. But the point is, I wasn’t specifically keeping it from you, I just … I don’t know. I’m confused, I don’t know how I feel about everything yet. I would’ve told you, eventually.”  
  
“So what happened?”  
  
“You really wanna know?”  
  
Chad grimaces. “In as little detail as you can manage, for the sake of our friendship and my lunch.”  
  
Jared huffs and leans back against the cushions. “Well maybe that’s the other reason I didn’t tell you.”  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
  
“Look, this is hard for me, okay?” Jared snaps. “I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know what I am, and Jensen’s gone and I’m really not okay about it! And you’re such a friggin’ womanizer most of the time, I had no idea how you’d react to this! The last thing I need right now is you calling me a fag and acting like I’ve done something horrible, here!”  
  
“Whoa, whoa, back it up! First of all, I would never call you that even if you were one. I’m not _that_ much of an asshole, I know that word isn’t cool. And second, where would you get the idea that I’d react like that?! Jay, I’m an actor, I live in _Hollywood_. I’ve been around gay guys before. I’m not down with having some dude’s dick all up in _my_ ass, but come on, that doesn’t mean I’m some right-wing nutjob waving a bible in your face! If you wanna be gay, then be gay! It isn’t a big deal.”  
  
“It isn’t?”  
  
“Hardly.”  
  
Jared narrows his eyes and shoots Chad a look. “Tell me the truth.”  
  
Chad sighs. “Alright, look, it’s a little … unexpected. You’re kind of Mr. All-American, Jare. I mean you have big dogs and you love football and you drive a pick-up, you’re really … _Texas_. Macho. Whatever you wanna call it. So yeah, I never would’ve thought you’d be into guys. But you’re my friend. Long as I don’t have to hear about it, you can doink whoever the hell you want. Which brings us to our second order of business, you better start talkin’ because if Ackles hurt you, I’mma hafta kick his pretty-boy ass.”  
  
“No, you – Chad. You don’t have to do that.”  
  
“Change my mind, then!”  
  
“What’s your problem with him, anyway?” Jared asks.  
  
“He’s a douche,” Chad says simply.  
  
“I know a person or two who’d say the same about you,” Jared points out.  
  
“Yeah, well, at least I embrace it. Jenny-Bean goes around acting like he’s all nice, and then he goes and screws my boy over. Not cool.”  
  
“That’s – it wasn’t like that.”  
  
“Then what was it like?”  
  
“I really don’t know,” Jared says honestly. “One minute everything was good and the next minute it was all blowing up in my face. And now there’s all this tension between us, like we really hate each other or something. Everything’s screwed up.”  
  
“But you like him. More than just as a friend, I mean.”  
  
Jared exhales heavily. No one’s ever actually asked him point-blank like that, how he feels about Jensen. It’s a little nerve-wracking, but it’s also somehow liberating to say, “Yeah. I do.”  
  
“And he doesn’t feel the same way?  
  
“If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t be in this mess.”  
  
“Huh.” Chad winces and pats Jared’s knee. “That really sucks, man. You think there’s any way you can work it out?”  
  
“M’not sure. I’m trying not to hope there is. I just … I miss him, y’know?” Jared admits quietly. “Even before all this stuff happened, he was … my friend. And he lived here, and we worked together, I was just used to him being around all the time and now he isn’t, and it doesn’t feel right.”  
  
“Sounds shitty.” Chad slumps back into the couch, his arm almost touching Jared’s shoulder but not quite. “I should’a know this was gonna happen, you know. You and me were tight, man, and then you met him. Should’a known one day he’d take you away from me.”  
  
“I’m still your friend.”  
  
“I know. Not like him, though. And it’s cool, I’m not complaining, I just … okay. This is as chick-flicky as I’m gonna get and then we are going to a titty bar so I can wash the homo off me. But seriously, the two of you … you know how sometimes twins are all freaky in sync with each other? Like how it seems like they know what each other’s thinking? You and Jensen are like that.”  
  
“We are?” Jared always knew he and Jensen were closer than most friends are, but he didn’t think it was that obvious to the rest of the world. He’s also not entirely sure if Chad’s being honest right now or if he’s just trying to cheer Jared up.  
  
“Yeah. Seriously, the boners you have for each other are so damn huge I’m surprised you can find pants that fit.”  
  
Jared snorts. “That’s lovely.”  
  
“Well, it’s true!” Chad insists with a laugh.  
  
“Tell that to him,” Jared mutters bitterly. “I … shit. I really like him, Chad. Like, a lot. But he doesn’t want anything to do with me, so what am I supposed to do?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Chad answers. “I wish I did. But look, I came here to cheer you up, and this isn’t doin’ it. So c’mon, let’s go out, get your mind offa all this depressing stuff.”  
  
“Yeah. Okay. You weren’t serious about going to a strip club, were you?”  
  
“Heck yes, I was!” Chad cries. “I mean, I know they’ll be _Canadian_ boobs, but they’re still boobs. Although, wait, you haven’t gone _completely_ fruity on me, right? I mean, you still like naked chicks. Fuck, _tell me_ you still like naked chicks!”  
  
Jared chuckles. “This might be a shock to you, but I never actually went to those places even before the stuff with Jensen.”  
  
“That’s because you’re repressed,” Chad informs him. “Clearly, it’s up to me to introduce you to the finer things in life.”  
  
“And by ‘finer things’, you mean trashy women who take their clothes off for money.”  
  
Chad huffs and shoots Jared a look of mock-horror. “It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”  
  
Chad stays for the night and for most of the next day, and Jared has a lot of fun with him, always does, but in the end it doesn’t make him feel any better. Chad is great, he’s excessive and funny and hilariously vulgar. He’s got the same lively, goofy streak as Jared does and when Jared’s with him, he feels good about himself. But Jared still really misses Jensen. He laughs a lot with Chad, they get a little crazy and Jared loves being with him, but there’s something about Jensen that’s irreplaceable. Jared knows it for sure now. He knows that Jensen is who he’s supposed to be with, and that makes his heart hurt even more since Jensen isn’t interested in making it work between them. After everything they’ve been through, there was a part of Jared that really believed after they got together, they’d be perfect. But Jensen doesn’t want him, and that hurts more than anything ever has. More than losing Sandy and losing Genevieve and everything.  
  
The horrible truth is, Jared doesn’t know how to be who everyone wants him to be, but he also doesn’t know how to be anyone else.  
  
===

_You only ever just disappear, but I can’t let you go_

===  
  
“Alright, so here’s what’s goin’ down,” Misha announces grandly, barging into Jared’s trailer without knocking or even so much as a ‘hello’ before he’s off and running. Jared blinks in surprise at his co-star but Misha barrels on before Jared has a chance to say anything. “We’re hanging out, you and me. I know you’re free ‘cause I stole your Blackberry and checked your schedule and there’s nothing on it for tonight. So. I’m taking you out for dinner, and we’re gonna have a nice evening talking about whatever you want. Football or beef jerky or whatever is it people from Texas like to talk about. And then we’re gonna pick up a forty of something strong, and you’re gonna come back to my room and have enough drinks to get you loosened up, and then you’re going to tell me exactly _what_ is going on between you and Jensen and why the last month has felt like having front row seats to the Ice-Queen-Capades.”  
  
Jared blinks again, his brain working sluggishly as he attempts to make some sense out of everything Misha just said. “We … wait, you took my Blackberry? When?” is the best he’s able to come up with.  
  
Misha gives him a loaded look and then he rolls his eyes and sighs heavily; a truly put-upon sound as if dealing with Jared is exhausting him down to the bone. “I put it back! And that’s not the point, Jolly Green, stop deflecting.”  
  
It takes another few agonizingly slow moments but eventually Jared’s mind catches up to his ears and the end of Misha’s little speech sets in. “You – no. Look, it’s … everything’s fine, okay? I mean we can still grab something to eat if you want, I’m up for that, but not – the rest of it.”  
  
Misha sighs again, and then he very gently takes Jared’s arm and tugs him over to the couch. He pushes Jared down onto it and then sits across from him on the coffee table and fixes him with that freaky, electric-blue stare that can see through Jared just as easily as Castiel’s sees through Dean.  
  
“Alright, look,” he starts, slowly and firmly, and Jared feels like he’s a kid in the principal’s office. “Don’t even try, okay? I know. We all know. We can see it, something is _off_ between you two lately and it’s starting to be a problem. The show’s starting to suffer, man, you can’t keep going like this.”  
  
“What, did one of the directors say something? Did Eric?” Jared asks, immediately defensive. “Is that what this is? Did he send you in here to fix me?”  
  
“Eric didn’t say anything,” Misha answers, with an air of forced patience like he’s talking to a child. Or a mental patient. “I’m here because you are my friend and you’re clearly going through something, and usually Jensen would be the one putting you back together but seeing as this particular problem _is_ Jensen, this time it’s my turn.”  
  
Jared’s jaw tightens automatically and he swallows, his throat clicking loud in the quiet room. “Mish …” he starts, but Misha waves him off and cuts in.  
  
“Don’t ‘Mish’ me!” he says firmly. “I’m not asking. I’m taking you out for dinner and then you are _going_ to tell me just how the hell Jensen managed to get that stick so very far up your ass without damaging your vital organs, and then we are going to get good and hammered even if we hate ourselves tomorrow because I have absolutely nothing better to do tonight than pester you until you spill your guts.”  
  
He grabs Jared’s arm again, not even a little bit gently this time, and proceeds to drag him from his trailer and across the set floor. Jared protests, more so on principle than anything else, but that just makes Misha pull harder and finally Jared gives in and keeps in step with him.  
  
“Okay, okay, I’m coming!” he cries. “Knock it off with the manhandling, would you?”  
  
Misha releases his death-grip on Jared’s arm, but then he links them together instead. “Told you. Your resistance is futile, young Padawan.”  
  
Jared snorts. “You just mixed Star Trek and Star Wars.”  
  
“Irrelevant!” Misha exclaims jovially, and Jared laughs.  
  
The studio’s pretty much empty by the time they get to Misha’s car, almost everyone’s left for the day but Jared still catches sight of a flash of moss-green eyes from across the parking lot. Jensen watches as Jared gets into Misha’s car, an odd and somewhat heartbreaking expression of anger and confusion and hurt twisting his beautiful face, and then he gets into his own truck and slams the door so hard the whole vehicle bounces on its frame. Jared almost feels bad, but then Misha cranks some tunes and starts babbling on about something or other that Jared should probably be paying attention to in case there’s a quiz later (he’s learned to never put anything passed Misha), so he does his best to put Jensen out of his mind.  
  
===  
  
“Speak!” Misha commands, handing Jared his third scotch and soda of the night and then flopping down onto the couch next to him.  
  
Jared sips the drink with a slight grimace, he’s not crazy on scotch but he can stomach it better than tequila or too much beer, and he avoids Misha’s gaze by looking around the hotel room. He’s never been to Misha’s room before, he notes dully, although actually the man probably doesn’t stay in the same room every time the script calls for Cas, so. Jared’s not sure what his point was. All he knows is that as much fun as he had at the restaurant, this is really the last place he wants to be right now. He wants to be in his own house, on his own couch, preferably wrapped up in Jensen’s arms as they watch a stupid movie and laugh at the shitty acting and maybe Jensen absently pets through Jared’s hair and kisses the top of his head every now and then. But, seeing as _that’s _clearly not in the cards, Jared supposes the company of a good, albeit slightly strange, friend is the next best thing.  
  
“Hey!” Misha brings Jared back to the present by poking him in the ribs. “I said speak!”  
  
“Do I have to?” Jared asks, cringing internally and probably a little externally too.  
  
“Don’t test me, boy. We have ways of making you talk,” Misha asserts in his best tough-guy cop impression, which only makes Jared smile.  
  
“Yeah, I … alright. I don’t even really know where to start.” Jared sighs deeply, breathing in and out a few times in an unsuccessful attempt to slow the beating of his heart. Can he really do this? Is he really about to actually tell Misha what happened, why he and Jensen have barely spoken to each other in more than a month? There’s a part of Jared that really wants to do just that – to get it all out and have someone listen and understand and be sympathetic in a way that Chad wasn’t. But he hasn’t known the man all that long, really, and as trusting a person as Jared usually is, this isn’t the kind of thing you unload on someone you don’t know that well. There’s something about Misha, though, a pull or an energy, that makes Jared want to trust him.  
  
“Start at the very beginning, it’s a very good place to start,” Misha deadpans, and Jared cracks up.  
  
“Dude, that’s from – what’s it called – that musical with the chick who sings to mountains. Sandy, my, uh, my ex, made me watch it like twenty times.”  
  
“It’s called The Sound of Music, and it’s a classic. And _you_ are avoiding the question again.”  
  
“Right, sorry.” Jared shakes his head a little to clear it, and then takes another deep breath. At the last second, he makes a snap-decision to just close his eyes and jump and hope he lands on something soft. “Jensen and I, we … um. We sort of, slept together.”  
  
Misha doesn’t say anything for at least a minute, and cold dread and terror washes over Jared in horrible waves – he shouldn’t have said anything, he should have known it would freak Misha out – but then Misha makes a tiny noise and hitches one of his legs up onto the couch so he can turn more toward Jared. When Jared glances at him, Misha’s eyes are narrowed and his forehead is twisted in clear confusion.  
  
“And?” he asks slowly.  
  
Jared gapes at him. “_And_? You need an ‘and’? I slept with Jensen! You think that requires an ‘and’?”  
  
Misha smiles a bit patronizingly and shakes his head. “Were you really expecting that to be big news? I mean, it’s about time!”  
  
“You – I – _what_?” Jared splutters.  
  
“Jared! Come on!” Misha groans. “You and Jensen have been crazy about each other since the day I met you! Probably since long before I met you! This can’t _possibly_ be a shock to you.”  
  
Jared sort of coughs and splutters a little more, his head reeling even as Misha continues to laugh.  
  
“Seriously. You two are the most oblivious people I’ve ever met. _Everyone_ can tell, man! The freakin’ guest-stars can tell! Anyone who’s been around the two of you for more than five minutes can tell! Oh,” Misha says suddenly, his eyebrows raising in momentary surprise, “that reminds me, Jim owes me money.”  
  
If it were possible for Jared’s eyes to widen so much that his eyeballs could pop right out of their sockets, this would be the moment for it to happen. “You – Jim owes you _money_? What the hell does that mean?!”  
  
“Exactly what it sounds like. I bet Jim that you and Jensen would stop being idiots and realize the epicness of your gay love by the end of this year. He thought it’d take longer.”  
  
“You guys talk about it?!” Jared explodes. “Everyone, the whole crew thinks Jensen and I are in love with each other but just haven’t realized it yet, and you all talk about it and joke about it and make _bets_ over it?”  
  
“Pretty much,” Misha answers with a wry grin.  
  
“That’s – how could – fuck!” Jared yells, suddenly irrationally angry, jumping up from the couch and pacing across the room. “That’s so uncool I can’t even _begin_ to – this is my life! It’s not entertainment! I can’t believe everyone talks about this behind our backs!”  
  
Misha looks taken aback, like he wasn’t expecting Jared to be upset over this. “I ... I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I didn’t – look, it isn’t _everyone_.”  
  
Jared hears him, but he ignores him and keeps right on shouting. “It’s bad enough that Genevieve and Sandy figured it out! You’re telling me everyone I work with knows too? And they all think this is some big friggin’ joke! This has been one of the worst months of my _life_ and y’all think it’s funny! And by the way, in cause you’re interested or in case it affects your bet with fuckin’ _Jim_, Jensen and I aren’t together! We’re not together at all, he hasn’t even been staying at the house since we started shooting! He’s been in a hotel, because we can barely even be around each other _because_ we slept together!”  
  
Misha frowns, a softer, more pensive look taking over his features. “Well I figured that much, seeing as how tense things’ve been on set. But c’mon, Jared, it’s _Jensen_. You two’ve been best friends for years, and yeah, it really is that obvious that you have feelings for each other. So what happened? Why is realizing you’re nuts for each other a bad thing?”  
  
“Because, it …” Jared gestures animatedly with his hands, but the words don’t come. Because the truth is, it _shouldn’t_ have been a bad thing. It should have been amazing, perfect, like it was at the cabin. But then real life set in and screwed everything up.  
  
“Jared,” Misha starts carefully, and he waits for Jared to look at him before he continues. “I’m sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have been making jokes. I know something’s really upsetting you, has been for a long time. Jensen too. So come on, let’s put our heads together and see if we can’t fix this, okay? Sit back down, talk to me. That’s what I’m here for, I want to help.”  
  
For a few moments, Jared considers him. Half of him wants to just storm out this minute; his stomach is still churning at the idea of everyone he works with knowing how he felt about Jensen before even _he_ did. But again, he can’t explain it but there’s just something in Misha’s sky-blue eyes and kind smile that makes Jared want to believe him. So he moves over to the couch and sits down again, leaning back against the cushions and slumping into them listlessly.  
  
“Tell me what happened,” Misha requests gently.  
  
“I don’t even really know,” Jared says heavily. “I don’t know where it came from, I don’t … it was in June, during our break. We hadn’t seen each other for like two months and that sucked and I missed him, so we rented this cabin for a week. We were gonna, I don’t know, go fishing, I guess. Just be together, catch up, before we had to be Sam and Dean again.”  
  
“And instead you had sex?” Misha asks, a hint of a smile in his voice but this time it sounds fond instead of mocking.  
  
“Basically.” Jared sniffs and nods uncomfortably. “We were drunk one night, and I don’t know, it just kind of happened. And I thought we’d both freak out about it when we woke up but we didn’t, and then it happened again, and then we kind of didn’t leave the bed for the rest of the week.”  
  
“Alright, hold on, give me a minute to picture _that_. Christ. You two would be crazy hot together,” Misha pronounces, and Jared laughs, some of the nervous tension dissipating from his chest.  
  
“I guess,” he shrugs.  
  
“Who bottomed?” Misha asks, mischief sparkling in his eyes, and Jared almost chokes on his own spit.  
  
“What?” he cries in disbelief. “There is no way I’m telling you that!”  
  
“Come on,” Misha whines playfully. “I won’t tell, I swear!”  
  
Jared scoffs and hopes Misha won’t notice the way his cheeks heat up in a blush. “Not gonna happen.”  
  
Misha actually pouts a little, and it’s so ridiculous it makes Jared laugh again. “Okay, fine, spoil-sport. Go on, then.”  
  
“I’m not sure what else to say.” Jared pauses and chews at his bottom lip. “We never really talked about it, kinda felt like we didn’t have to, you know? It was good, it felt _right_. But I guess we should have talked about it, cause when we got back here everything changed. I thought we were, like, a couple now. But I guess he thought it was just casual sex, because we were on vacation or something.”  
  
Misha sighs and shifts closer to Jared, sliding down a little on the couch so their shoulders are touching. “That sucks. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Everything’s just been weird since then, it’s …” Jared lets his head loll back onto the cushions as tears burn at his eyes. He isn’t sure why he’s opening up so easily all of a sudden, it was like once he started talking he couldn’t stop. Having someone listen to him, for a moment it sort of felt like it could make everything better, but now it’s just reminding him how lost and utterly miserable he’s been without Jensen. “It’s been horrible,” he finishes quietly. “I miss him, so god damn much, but … I don’t know if things’ll ever be okay with us again.”  
  
“You know that’s bull, right?” Misha asks evenly, and Jared glances over at him and frowns in confusion.  
  
“What?”  
  
“All that stuff about him not feeling the same way, about you two never being friends again,” Misha clarifies. “It’s complete crap, Jared. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why he freaked out, but Jensen is just as crazy about you as you are about him. Anyone with half a brain can see that. The way he looks at you, his whole face lights up when you come into a room. Everyone else just disappears.”  
  
Jared isn’t sure what to take from that, but his heart skips a beat or two anyway. “Really?”  
  
“You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed. I mean, I don’t know him like you do, but even still. He never looks as happy as he does when he’s with you.”  
  
That feels like it _should_ be a good thing, but it just makes Jared’s gut clench even more. “So then why’s he doing this? We _had_ something, it … well.” He doesn’t finish his thought because as cool as Misha’s being, Jared’s not sure how eager he actually is to hear all the gory details.  
  
Misha pushes, though. He nudges Jared’s shoulder and says, “C’mon, what?”  
  
He’s not even sure he actually wants to be talking about this at all, with anyone. It’s leaving an awful feeling burning in his chest. Admitting out loud how scared he is that they might not even be able to be friends again is making it seem like a very real possibility, and Jared’s terrified. He needs Jensen. They’ve been best friends practically since the day they met, Jensen’s his whole world. Saying everything out loud to Misha feels a little like jinxing it, like provoking the universe.  
  
“You really wanna know?” Jared asks cautiously.  
  
“I really do.”  
  
Jared nods and picks at a loose thread on the inseam of his jeans. “It just felt right, that’s all. It really felt like a lot more than just sex to me, y’know? As soon as we … it was like, why haven’t we been doing this all along? And I thought he felt it too, but I guess he doesn’t, and … I don’t know. It just sucks. Hurts, a lot.”  
  
“I know,” Misha says, taking Jared’s hand in his smaller one and squeezing it empathetically. “I can tell you’re hurting, but Jared, he is too. And he wouldn’t be if you meant nothing to him.”  
  
“Yeah,” Jared mumbles. He’s not entirely sure if he believes it, but he _wants_ to. Jensen’s never been very good at talking things out, so really, it is entirely possible that he does feel the way Jared does and it was something else that made him leave. But Jared doesn’t have any idea what that something else could be, and the fact that Jensen didn’t come to him about it hurts almost as much as everything else.  
  
They don’t really talk about it much more after that; true to his word Misha gets Jared good and drunk and they spend the rest of the evening sloppily playing poker and watching stupid TV shows and laughing hysterically at nothing at all. By the time Misha puts Jared into a cab and sends him home, Jared’s heart feels a lot lighter than it has in a long time, and when he walks in the front door and is greeted by only the dogs, he barely even feels the sting of Jensen’s absence.  
  
===

_Don’t wanna think about it, I’m fucking tired of getting sick about it_

===


	6. Part 5

===

_Once upon a time, this place was beautiful and mine_   
_But now it’s just a bottom line_

===  
  
_“Can I ask you something?” Jared asks quietly. _  
  
_“Sure.”_  
  
_They’re wrapped up together in the bed Jared’s been using as his; Jensen on his back and Jared on his side, half on top of Jensen’s naked body with his head pillowed on Jensen’s shoulder. He’s got his free arm draped over Jensen’s stomach; Jensen’s right arm is tucked under Jared’s body and is hugging him around his back, and his left hand is stroking slowly up and down Jared’s ribs. It feels perfect and right and wonderful – it feels like Jared’s finally exactly where he’s supposed to be. Being cuddled up to Jensen after sharing a shower is so good Jared almost doesn’t know how to deal with it. He almost feels like he doesn’t deserve to be this happy; like any minute now some outside force is going to swoop in and take all this perfection away from him._  
  
_“What … um.” Jared stalls for a moment, not completely sure he wants to ask the question anymore. “You remember the second season finale? When Sam was dead and you, I mean, Dean was talking to his body?”_  
  
_“Yeah,” Jensen answers cautiously. “I remember.”_  
  
_“I’ve never heard you sound as upset as you did then. And I’ve watched the episode, you … you look completely devastated,” Jared says, giving in to his curious baser instincts, “and I know you’re all about method acting. So … I guess my question is, what were you thinking about?”_  
  
_For a few long minutes, Jensen doesn’t say anything. He keeps his hand stroking slowly up and down Jared’s flanks, but it’s a little slower and maybe more reluctant. His hesitation makes Jared nervous, makes him think maybe there’s something in Jensen’s past that he doesn’t want to talk about. Like maybe Jensen got himself upset during that scene by using a memory he doesn’t want Jared to know._  
  
_“You don’t have to tell me,” Jared says, always feeling the need to put Jensen at ease. “It’s just something I’ve always wondered. But you don’t have to.”_  
  
_“No, I … it’s okay,” Jensen says. He shakes his head a little, Jared can feel it, and then he sighs heavily. “I was thinking about you.”_  
  
_“What about me?”_  
  
_“About … I dunno. About losing you, I guess.” Jensen leans down and kisses the top of Jared’s head. “Eric said I had to act like I’d lost the only person who meant anything to me in the whole world, so I chose you.”_  
  
_“You did?” Jared asks softly. He doesn’t want to say anything, really, in case it’s the wrong thing to say and it makes Jensen shut down. He knows that sometimes when Jensen’s pushed, he closes the window. _  
  
_“Yeah. It was the only thing I could think of that would be awful enough to make me that sad.” Jensen pulls Jared in a little closer. “I knew I had to be really, really sad, I knew I had to be broken and crying and all that. So I thought about what it would be like if something happened to you and I was left all alone. You were already lying there lookin’ all dead, it wasn’t that hard.”_  
  
_Jared nods and kisses Jensen’s chest. “You were really quiet the rest of the day after that scene. And the next day too, I remember that.”_  
  
_“Sometimes when I have to get myself really worked up, it’s hard to shake it off after.”_  
  
_“Yeah. I know. And, uh, last season? When Dean was telling Sam about what he did in Hell?”_  
  
_“Same thing. I used to have trouble making myself cry, but now that I’ve got that image of you, lying there like you’re dead and it’s my fault, it’s easier. I always just use that.”_  
  
_“God,” Jared breathes. “That’s … you gotta stop doing that, Jen. Gonna give yourself a complex.”_  
  
_Jensen laughs quietly. “Just don’t actually die on me, and I’ll be fine.”_  
  
_Jared chuckles back, but something clinches vice-tight around his heart all the same. He pushes up onto one elbow so he can see Jensen’s face. He’s so god damn beautiful, sometimes it’s hard to even look at. Jared can’t resist reaching his other hand down and cupping Jensen’s cheek, rubbing his thumb over the little smattering of freckles under Jensen’s eye. _  
  
_“Don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you,” he whispers. _  
  
_“You’d probably be out of a job,” Jensen jokes, and Jared huffs and flicks him._  
  
_“I’m try’na be serious!”_  
  
_“Okay.” The smile fades from Jensen’s face and he reaches up to smooth the hair back from Jared’s forehead. “I don’t know what I’d do either.”_  
  
_“Never leave me, okay?” Jared’s aware that he’s being a ridiculous sap, but he doesn’t care. Sometimes he thinks the characters they play are just straight up crazy, but if he’d lost Jensen as many times as Sam’s lost Dean, he’d be a little crazy too. _  
  
_“Never,” Jensen promises, and Jared leans down and kisses him._  
  
A sharp knock at the door rouses Jared from the memory. He blinks a few times and takes a glance around. It’s darker outside than he remembers it being – he’d been really _out._ That happens sometimes. He has a tendency to get lost in his own head. Whoever it is knocks again, and Jared heaves himself up off the couch and stretches. The memories of that afternoon all those weeks ago are still swirling around in his head, but considering how everything ended up, thinking about Jensen’s promises of forever leaves a bitter taste in Jared’s mouth.  
  
He pulls the door open without checking through the peep-hole, which he almost never does but he’s a little distracted right now, and Jensen’s green eyes staring back at him is really the last thing Jared expected to see. He’s completely dumbfounded, he just stands there like an idiot gaping at Jensen for a minute, and then he has to actually convince himself not to slam the door in Jensen’s face. He doesn’t want Jensen here; Jared’s trying to get _over_ him, and it’s hard enough that they work together fourteen hours a day. He doesn’t want Jensen back in his house, in his space, in his head.  
  
“What’re you doing here?” he asks bluntly.  
  
Jensen almost flinches at Jared’s harsh tone, but then he shrugs noncommittally. “Just thought maybe we should talk.”  
  
“What if I don’t want to?”  
  
Jensen sighs and gives him a pained look. “C’mon, don’t be like that. Let me in?”  
  
Jared doesn’t want to, he really, really doesn’t, but he finds himself stepping back to let Jensen enter anyway. He finds it hard to say no to Jensen, always has. He secretly thinks Jensen’s eyes are hypnotizing. Jensen hovers in the entranceway – he eyes the couch but he doesn’t make a move to go to it. It’s like he’s unfamiliar with his surroundings, like he’s in a place he’s never been before, instead of one where he lived for almost a year. He’s pale, too; Jared realizes it’s been a long time since he’s seen Jensen without his stage makeup on. He looks like he hasn’t been sleeping. He might’ve even dropped a couple pounds. And he looks so sad and lost, even though he isn’t looking directly at Jared, that Jared’s resolve breaks and he gives in.  
  
“Alright, well … c’mon, come sit down.”  
  
Jared steps back into the living room and Jensen trails after him. He sits down on the couch, but Jensen continues to hover by the coffee table. Jared isn’t exactly up for a hug or something anyway, but it kind of hurts that Jensen doesn’t want to be near him that badly. He looks almost like he’s afraid of Jared, and that hurts too.  
  
“You gonna say something, or …?” Jared asks.  
  
“Yeah, just … gimme a minute.” Jensen drags the back of his hand over his mouth. “So, um, Misha cornered me after our scene this morning. He said you two talked, said you told him what happened. He sorta gave me hell for it. And he was right. Jared, I just … I wanted to apologize. I want you to know that this was never about you, okay? And you were right, it wasn’t about Danneel either. We broke up, by the way.”  
  
“When?”  
  
“Like three days after I moved into the hotel.”  
  
“Oh.” Jared sniffs a little and rubs at his knee for something to do with his hands. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel about that. “How come?”  
  
“Because I wasn’t happy with her,” Jensen says simply. “And it wasn’t fair to her for me to keep pretending I was.”  
  
“Fair,” Jared mutters. “Right. Because everything you’ve done up until this point has totally been fair. You’re just a portrait of integrity.”  
  
Jensen sighs again. “Alright, I deserve that. Look, Jare, I’m here because I wanna talk about this, okay?”  
  
“So then talk,” Jared answers unfeelingly.  
  
Jensen takes a deep breath and sits tentatively down onto the couch beside Jared. He isn’t close enough to touch, but it’s still far too reminiscent of the way they _used_ to sit here together for Jared’s liking, so he moves over to the armchair, ignoring the wounded look on Jensen’s face. Jensen blinks it away after a moment, though, and he starts talking quietly.  
  
“I treated you really horribly, Jared. And I’m sorry. You were right, before. I did use you. But I swear I didn’t mean to. I just … I guess I’ve always had these feelings, that’s why I was ever with that other guy in the first place. But I didn’t _want_ to have them, and when that first time didn’t go so well, I thought, okay, I’m _not_ gay, I was just a little confused. And I was good with that for a long time, that’s why I was never with another guy before you. But then we were at that cabin, and when I booked it I didn’t know that place was gonna be so …”  
  
“Romantic?” Jared suggests.  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees apologetically. “We were having so much fun, and you’ve always been so amazing and so special to me, and I … I don’t know. But it wasn’t right. You had _just_ broken up with Genevieve when all this happened, I totally pushed myself on you and you’re such a nice guy, of course you weren’t going to say no – ”  
  
“I didn’t sleep with you because I was afraid to say no,” Jared interrupts. “That’s idiotic. I slept with you because I wanted to.” He waits a minute for Jensen to respond, and when he doesn’t, Jared rolls his eyes and says, “And you’re gonna have to give me a little more to go on than that.”  
  
“I liked you. Right from the first moment I met you, I liked you. As more than just a friend,” Jensen blurts out, and Jared gets the sense Jensen has been holding those words in for a very, very long time. “I didn’t really understand it at first. I thought maybe it was just because I’d never had a friend like you before, you know? I mean, Kane is awesome, but I would _never_ act around him like you and I did around each other.”  
  
“Like cuddling on the couch and sleeping in the same bed and calling each other’s parents Mom and Dad?” Jared supplies. On that, at least, Jensen isn’t alone. Jared felt all that too, at one time or another. He loves Chad with all his heart but he has no desire to ever share a bed with him. With Jensen, all Jared wanted to do was touch. Whatever he could, for as long as he could. It makes him feel like a total moron that he never realized what that meant until Jensen kissed him.  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen says with an uncomfortable little wince. “But I was kidding myself, thinking maybe all best friends do that stuff. It was you, I … I wanted you. I didn’t _want_ to want you, but I did. And it was okay as long as it was one-sided. Cause then I never had to do anything about it. This … _us_ … it’d be a big deal, Jay. We’re stupid to assume that it wouldn’t be. There’d be ramifications, with our families and in our job and everything. So it was like … as long as you didn’t feel the same way about me, _couldn’t_ feel the same way because you weren’t into guys, I never had to put too much thought into all the what-ifs. What if my parents don’t approve, what if the show suffers, what if I have trouble finding work once everybody knows, what if I get stuck with being type-casted as the gay guy. Is … god, is any of this making sense?”  
  
“I – sort of,” Jared answers honestly. There’s this lost, little boy quality to Jensen right now that’s breaking Jared’s heart a little. Whatever else has happened, Jensen is still his friend and Jared hates to see him hurting. “I was dumb, I never even realized I had feelings for you until now, so I guess I never went through all that. Shit, I can’t believe you’ve felt like this for so long, though. Man, why didn’t you ever tell me?”  
  
“I couldn’t,” Jensen says softly. “Couldn’t risk losing you. I’d rather have you in my life as just a friend than not at all.”  
  
And that, Jared definitely understands.  
  
“And then at the cabin, I … well. You were there. I was drunk off my ass. I barely even remember that first night. Hard to control feelings you’ve had for so many years when you’re too drunk to remember your own name, you know?” Jensen huffs a little. He looks really annoyed with himself right now and that, more than anything, has Jared aching to just say he forgives him and pull Jensen back into his arms where he belongs. “But then you wanted me back, and it just … it was like a dream, like it was too good to even be real. I couldn’t fight it anymore, not with you right there wanting it too. And then we got back here and I realized too late what we’d done and what a big deal it really was, and I didn’t know what to do.”  
  
“So instead of telling me all that a month ago, you thought it was better to just leave?” Jared asks in disbelief. Mostly, he’s mad at himself for whatever it was he ever did to make Jensen feel like he _couldn’t_ tell Jared all of those things.  
  
“I should have, I know I should have. But I panicked. I _tried_ to talk to you about it, but you just … you’re the most self-assured person I know, Jay. You’re so _confident _in exactly who you are, it seemed like you just accepted the whole thing the second it happened, it seemed like you weren’t bothered at all by any of it! And that made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I was struggling with it, because I’ve _been_ struggling with it. I thought if I told you how much I was freaking out, you wouldn’t understand.”  
  
Jensen just said so many things, Jared’s head is swimming. He can’t even begin to process it all. “How could you think I wouldn’t understand? Just because I wasn’t _acting_ like it bothered me, that doesn’t mean I was totally fine with it! I wasn’t, for the record. I was freaked out too, man, you just meant more to me than all that other stuff! And hold on, when exactly did you _try_ to talk to me about this?”  
  
“When we were fighting,” Jensen answers. “I told you I couldn’t be that guy.”  
  
Jared’s mouth falls open. “_That’s_ what you call trying to talk to me about it? Jesus, Jensen! Could you have possibly made it more cryptic? How was I supposed to know what that meant?”  
  
“I … I don’t know,” Jensen admits in a tiny voice.  
  
“You should have told me all this before now!” Jared cries. He isn’t angry anymore, not really, just frustrated. It feels like they’ve wasted so much time being stubborn and dancing around each other. “Jen, I would’ve understood! And I would’ve given you as much time as you needed! Shit, if you’d told me all you needed was some time to yourself to sort things out, I would’ve given it to you! We could’ve gotten to this place weeks ago!”  
  
Jensen frowns. “No, you … damn it. You’re misunderstanding me again. Nothing’s changed, I’m still not ready for all this.”  
  
“What’re you talking about?” Jared asks, his heart sinking a little at Jensen’s words.  
  
“I’m not here because I want us to be together,” Jensen says sadly. “I’m here because I need you to understand why we can’t be.”  
  
For a few seconds, Jared’s still confused. Then Jensen’s words sink in and he gets it, shaking his head it utter disbelief. As _if_ this is happening. _Again_. “Great. That’s just fantastic, Jensen. Do you realize that even though technically we were never actually in a relationship, you’ve still somehow managed to break up with me _twice_?”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jensen whispers. “Look, I just … it’s a huge risk, taking a chance on something like this, and I’m not … I’m not as brave as you are. What if it doesn’t work out, huh? What are we supposed to do then?”  
  
“If you go into a relationship expecting it to end badly then of course it’s going to end badly!” Jared snaps. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”  
  
“It’s _not_ stupid,” Jensen insists. So far, he’s been pretty much agreeing with whatever Jared says, but now his jaw sets and Jared can tell he won’t be backing down from this one. “It’s not stupid at all. It’s _real_, Jared. This is life, this is how it works. This isn’t a fairy tale. I wish it was, you have no idea how much, but it’s not. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Yeah, you said that already,” Jared grinds out, leaning forward and burying his head in his hands. He almost feels like he’s going to be sick. He’s really not sure he can handle going through this with Jensen all over again. “You’ve said it a lot, actually, and shockingly it’s still not making me feel any better.”  
  
“I don’t know what else to say.”  
  
“Me neither.”  
  
“Maybe I should just go.”  
  
Jared doesn’t want him to leave, he doesn’t want that at all, but he’s tired of trying to convince Jensen to stay when he clearly doesn’t want to. “If that’s what you want.”  
  
“It isn’t.” Jensen sounds miserable even though Jared still hasn’t looked up at him. “It’s not what I want at all, I … I want us to be friends again. I really miss you, I …”  
  
“What?” Jared pushes, glancing upward, but the second his eyes meet Jensen’s, the other man’s expression hardens again, back into that mask Jared wishes he didn’t know so well.  
  
“Never mind,” Jensen mutters. “I’ll go.”  
  
“No, what were you gonna say?”  
  
“Nothing.” Jensen gets up briskly and heads for the door.  
  
“So you’re just walking out on me again?” Jared explodes, standing up angrily but not making any physical attempt to stop Jensen.  
  
“Yeah, I’m just walking out on you!” Jensen repeats, shooting a furious glance at Jared over his shoulder. “You just said I should!”  
  
“No I fuckin’ didn’t, dick-wad! I said you should if _you_ wanted to!” Jared yells, aware that he’s being completely immature but he doesn’t care.  
  
“Well, I want to! So fuck you very much, and goodbye!” Jensen shouts back, storming out and slamming the door behind him.  
  
For a minute or two, Jared just stands there and fumes. His heart is going so fast, and he’s clenching his fists so hard his blunt nails are digging painfully into his palms. He’s never been so angry in his whole life, he can’t _believe_ Jensen had the nerve to come all the way over here just to say he still doesn’t want to be with Jared. Talk about rubbing salt into the wounds. Jared can’t believe he was ever even _friends_ with such an asshole. He can’t believe he cared for Jensen, can’t believe he actually shed tears over him.  
  
His legs carry him towards the front window without his brain telling them to, because apparently his own body is conspiring against him now. He doesn’t want to watch Jensen drive away, at least he doesn’t think he does, but he’s standing there nevertheless so maybe his subconscious is a lot more self-destructive than he realizes. He can hardly see anything except the reflection of his living room bouncing back at him through the glass, but if he squints, he can see Jensen’s shape in the front seat of his car. It’s hard to tell for sure, but it looks like he might be … crying. Sobbing, actually. He’s got his arms across the steering wheel and his head is leaned down on them; his shoulders shaking so violently he’ll probably have a sore neck tomorrow.  
  
In all the time they’ve known each other, Jared’s never seen Jensen cry like that. Even as _Dean_ he’s never cried like that. For a moment, Jared’s almost happy about it. Happy that at least Jensen’s suffering just as much as he is. But then, Misha’s words come floating back to him – “I can tell you’re hurting, but Jared, he is too. And he wouldn’t be if you meant nothing to him.” – and suddenly it hits him. _Jensen’s suffering just as much as he is._  
  
As he watches Jensen wipe his nose with the back of his hand, shift the car into gear and drive away, all Jared’s anger just flies out the window and he remembers exactly why he cared so much about Jensen in the first place. Why he cares so much still. After everything that’s happened, all the hurt and all the misunderstandings and all the nights he spent lying in his bed with tears on his pillow and wishing Jensen were there to dry them, Jared still wants Jensen more than he’s ever wanted anything. This last month has been one of the worst of his life, but the way he craves Jensen’s touch, that hasn’t changed. That won’t _ever_ change, Jared’s sure of it now. He’s off like a shot, grabbing his car keys and jogging out to his truck before he fully registers what he’s doing. The only clear thought pulsing through his brain is to get to Jensen.  
  
===

_Stand back up and be a man about it_   
_And fight for something else_

===  
  
Jared swerves wildly to the curb and throws his truck into park just as Jensen’s walking up to the double doors of the Fairmont hotel. He jumps off the seat and out the door and jogs across street, thick raindrops falling in his eyes and blurring his vision, but he doesn’t stop until he’s within earshot so he can shout his friend’s name. Jensen turns around abruptly, the look of pained surprise on his face almost enough to make Jared turn tail and run away, but he stands his ground even as the rain soaks through his clothes. His heart’s going so fast he’s a little worried he’s going to burst a ventricle or something, but he’s come too far to back out now and the adrenaline pumping through his veins keeps him rooted to the spot.  
  
“Jared, what …” Jensen shakes his head and opens and closes his mouth a few times like he has no idea what to say. There are still tears in his eyes, but his voice is cold when he says, “Go home, Jared.”  
  
“No!” Jared yells. “You can’t just dump all that crap on me and then walk away! You’re acting like a fuckin’ teenage girl and I’m sick of it! We’ve been friends for years, Jensen, I’m not losing you over something this stupid! Now strap on a pair and start acting like the thirty year old man you are, and get down here and talk to me!”  
  
Jensen glares. He does move down the four or five steps to stand on the sidewalk, but he stays under the building’s awning to keep dry. “It’s pouring rain, you’re getting drenched. Would you at least come inside?”  
  
“No way,” Jared asserts. “You really think I wanna be anywhere near the hotel room you got to get away from me?”  
  
“Oh for the love of – you’re standing in the middle of the road!” Jensen snaps. “You’re gonna get hit by a car! Would you just –”  
  
“_No_!” Jared cries, his voice breaking and ruining the intimidating effect he was going for. “I don’t care if I get hit by a car, I don’t care if it’s raining! There are some things I have to say to you and I’m not going anywhere until you shut up and listen!”  
  
“Fine!” Jensen shouts back, finally losing whatever tethers he had on his usually even temper. “What, then? What the fuck is so important that you have to make a fucking scene in front of the god damn Fairmont?!”  
  
The rain is plundering down so hard on Jared’s head now that it’s making it hard to hear anything other than the splatter of it on the pavement and the frantic beating of his heart. He takes a deep breath before he speaks, and even though he’s so furious he feels like screaming, he does his best to keep his voice level. “You’re a coward, that’s what. We had something amazing, even before the cabin, and then you just ran away when things got scary. And I am so friggin’ mad at you for that, I can’t even … but I get it, Jensen, I really do. Because I’m scared too.”  
  
Jensen doesn’t move – it’s hard to tell with the way the streetlamps are distorting Jared’s view of him, but he thinks he sees all the color go out of Jensen’s cheeks. “What?” he asks, so softly Jared barely hears him.  
  
“I’m terrified,” Jared continues. He feels vaguely like he’s just been sliced open and all his guts are spilling out onto the street, but somehow he forces himself to keep going. “_You_ terrify me. How much I care about you, how much I _need_ you, what a complete fuckin’ mess I am when you’re gone. And I have never, _ever_ wanted to be with another man before, not even a little bit! You know, I saw Chad completely naked once? Nothing. Not even a _wiggle_ down there! But you? All you have to do is smile at me, and I forget my own name! And that is really, really god damn scary!”  
  
Jensen doesn’t say anything. He just blinks and looks like he’s trying furiously to hold back tears, so Jared barrels on before he loses his nerve.  
  
“But it’s good too! As much as it scares me so bad I can’t breathe sometimes, the thought of being with you, I’ve never wanted anything so much in my whole life. And I don’t mean as friends who occasionally fuck. I want you, for real, forever.” His voice breaks again, desperation and fear making it shake. There are tears streaming freely down his face; he’s never been as good at holding them back as Jensen is, but Jared doesn’t care. This is it, this is his now-or-never moment. He’s never been so terrified and so exhilarated in his life.  
  
“So there it is, that’s my whole speech. It took me a month and a hell of a lot of pushing from Misha, and Chad and my Mom and even freakin’ Genevieve, for me to finally work up the courage to say all this to you, and now you’ve heard it,” he says, spreading his arms out wide like he’s offering himself to Jensen – leaving it up to Jensen whether he takes Jared’s heart and cradles it for safe-keeping or shoots an arrow through it. “You want a reason to give us a chance? Something that makes all the risk worth it? Well there it fuckin’ is. I’m standing here, in the middle of the street, in the rain, telling you that I’m in love with you.”  
  
For a long moment, Jensen doesn’t respond, and Jared’s whole body goes cold and hot at the same time. He’s never been so vulnerable and exposed before, even though he’s fully clothed, and it’s almost making him sick to wonder how the hell he’s going to put himself back together this time if Jensen turns him down. Then Jensen turns away, just for a moment, and bends over like he’s trying to compose himself. When he turns back around, he’s crying too – silently, but hard – and Jared’s heart clenches vice-tight. He hates having been the one to put that look on Jensen’s face; like his whole world just ended.  
  
“You love me?” he asks brokenly.  
  
“Yeah,” Jared answers boldly. “And I don’t care if you’re scared of what people will think, I don’t care if you wanna keep it a secret, none of that matters. The only thing that means _anything_ is that I’m not going home tonight unless you’re coming with me.”  
  
Jensen lets out a ragged sob and turns away again, pressing his palm into his mouth. And then he takes a few quick steps toward Jared, turning into an all out run a second later and all but sprinting across the street and flinging himself into Jared’s arms. Jared catches him, just barely managing to stay upright as Jensen’s weight crashes into his chest, and wraps his arms tightly around Jensen’s trembling form. Jensen clings to him, his hands fisted in Jared’s wet shirt, and breathes hot and harsh into Jared’s neck. Jared can feel tears soaking into his skin, knows they’re tears because they’re warmer than the rain, so he holds Jensen as tight as he can and prays to anyone who’s listening that this is a good hug – that it isn’t Jensen’s way of saying goodbye. But then Jensen pulls back enough to look up at Jared’s face and Jared’s heart does a funny little flip as all his fears fly away into the chilly Vancouver night. Jensen’s eyes are shiny and red-rimmed from crying, but he’s smiling.  
  
“I love you too,” he whispers, his voice thick with emotion. “Fuck, Jay, love you so much. I always have.”  
  
Jared can’t help the pitiful whimper that escapes his throat any more than he can help swooping down and capturing Jensen’s lips in a brutal kiss. Jensen tastes like salt, from their combined tears and the ocean rain, but he also tastes warm and familiar and like _Jensen_, and it’s perfect. Jared smiles against Jensen’s lips, getting lost in his flavor and the heat of Jensen’s body pressed into his, the heady feeling of Jensen’s hands gripping the back of his neck desperately. Finally, Jared has Jensen exactly where he wants him; exactly where he himself has been for over a month; needy and clingy and too consumed with want to even think of letting go.  
  
Then there’s a flash of light and a long, loud honk, and they pull apart, startled, heads snapping to where a car has screeched to a stop just a few feet in front of them.  
  
“What the hell are you doing?” the driver shouts over the window; they can barely hear her over the roar of the rain. “Get off the road, you’re gonna get yourselves killed!”  
  
Jared’s stunned into silence for a few seconds, but then Jensen erupts into laugher and cries, “I told you!” and Jared grins and pulls him out of harm’s way and over to where his truck is parked. The woman in the car shoots them another glare and then speeds away, and Jensen laughs so much he has to lean into Jared’s chest to keep himself upright.  
  
“Dude, I can just see the headline,” he snickers. “Stars of Supernatural wounded in a car crash while making out in the street. Hell of a way for people to find out about us.”  
  
Jared can’t help but laugh back, sliding his arms around Jensen’s waist and holding him close. “Hate to break it to ya, but according to Misha, everyone already knows.”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Oh god. Of course they do.”  
  
They chuckle lightly for another minute, and then Jensen relaxes further into Jared’s chest and sighs happily. They’re more or less upright-cuddling, leaning against the wet surface of Jared’s truck, and Jared doesn’t really want to move but they’re both soaked to the bone, so they really should get inside. Jared’s cock is starting to thicken in his pants just from having Jensen this close, from finally knowing that Jensen wants him like he wants Jensen, and he shifts his hips just slightly so Jensen can feel it. Jensen grins into Jared’s neck and presses a few open mouth kisses under Jared’s jaw.  
  
“Wanna go upstairs?” Jared asks softly.  
  
Jensen shakes his head. “Too many memories of crappy nights without you in that room.”  
  
“So what, then?”  
  
He doesn’t answer for a moment, and then he looks up at Jared with a shy smile on his face, blinking the rain-water out of his eyes. “Take me home?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jared breathes, happier than he’s willing to admit that Jensen suggested it. “Okay.”  
  
Jared’s pretty sure he’s never made it home from anywhere so quickly. He drives like a crazy person, but they also happen to hit only green lights, and Jared thinks just maybe the universe is smiling on them. He swerves into the median lane like three times, but in his defense, Jensen has his hand resting high on Jared’s thigh, his fingers playing lightly on the inseam of Jared’s jeans. He’s not _quite_ close enough to be touching Jared’s quickly filling cock, but he’s in the vicinity and it’s driving Jared crazy. By the time he pulls into the driveway of his house, _their _house, he’s completely hard and almost dizzy from it. Jensen jumps out of the truck before Jared even has the key out of the ignition, and Jared smiles and lets Jensen tug him up the path and though the front door.  
  
He smashes their lips together and they stumble over the mat; Jared somehow manages to get the door closed behind them and then Jensen’s pressing him into it, kissing him fervently and rocking his hips into Jared’s. The bulge in Jensen’s pants rubs against Jared’s and they both hiss a little at the contact. It’s unbelievably hot and it makes Jared’s head spin, but they only get a few moments to themselves before the dogs hear them and run at them; probably excited out of their minds to see Jensen again. Sadie jumps up, trying to push them apart, and Harley barks loudly and runs around in circles at their feet. Jared groans a little as Jensen pulls away from him, but then he smiles fondly when Jensen drops down to his knees and wraps an arm around each of the dogs.  
  
“Hey guys,” he says, burying his face in Sadie’s fur as he hugs them. Sadie yips happily and licks Jensen’s cheek, and Jensen laughs and pushes her away. “Hey, c’mon, not the face!”  
  
Harley makes his way over to Jared, rubbing up against Jared’s legs, and Jared slides down to the floor to scratch behind his ears while Sadie nudges at Jensen’s hands again and he gives in and keeps petting her.  
  
“Hi baby,” he whispers. “Missed you too.”  
  
“We all missed you,” Jared says, frowning instantly when a little shadow passes over Jensen’s face. “No, wait, I didn’t mean … shit, I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay, I know what you meant.” Jensen shakes his head. He gives Sadie one last kiss on the top of her head, and then he snaps and points toward the living room. “Okay guys, go,” he commands, and obediently they both do; trotting toward the corner of the room and curling up in their respective dog-beds.  
  
Jared chuckles. “Y’know, they never listen to me like that.”  
  
“That’s ‘cause they know Daddy’s a big ol’ softie,” Jensen drawls. He crawls toward Jared on his hands and knees, straddling Jared’s legs and settling down in his lap. He just looks into Jared’s eyes for a moment, so many emotions expressed in his bright green irises that Jared couldn’t possibly work them all out. Then he leans down and kisses Jared slowly, deepening it with a flick of his tongue for just a moment and then pulling back and resting his forehead against Jared’s. “I missed you so much,” he murmurs into Jared’s lips.  
  
“Me too,” Jared answers, reaching up to cup Jensen’s face in his hands and bringing him back down for another kiss.  
  
Jensen shivers a little, and Jared smiles to himself, but then Jensen breathes, “Fuck, m’freezing.”  
  
Jared had completely forgotten that they’re both still sopping wet, but then he remembers and shivers a bit himself. “So’m I. Shower?”  
  
“Sounds perfect.”  
  
Jensen gets up and then reaches a hand down to haul Jared to his feet. He drags Jared toward the stairs, and it takes them longer than it normally would to make it to the second floor because Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist and insists on climbing the stairs with Jensen’s back pressed against his chest; peppering kisses to Jensen’s neck. He can’t help it – he just got Jensen back and he really can’t fathom the idea of _not_ touching him right now. He’s probably being irrational about it, but there’s a part of him that feels like if he lets go, Jensen might disappear.  
  
They strip quickly when they get to the bathroom; Jared’s body is wracked in shivers as soon as he starts unbuttoning his shirt, so he turns the water on as hot as it’ll go and struggles out of his wet clothes. Jensen finishes first, climbing into the shower stall and pulling Jared with him even as Jared trips a little trying to get his last sock off. Jensen grabs him by the hips to keep him upright, and then he leans up and kisses Jared again as he moves them under the scalding spray. The warm water soothes Jared’s tight skin immediately, but he’s so wrapped up in the sweet slide of Jensen’s lips against his that he barely notices. When Jensen shifts his hips just slightly and their bare cocks slide together, Jared all but forgets everything he’s ever known except how it feels to have Jensen’s hot erection slip-sliding against his.  
  
“_God_,” Jensen breathes, resting his forehead on Jared’s again and cupping Jared’s hips in his palms. “Think you can hold out long enough to make it to the bed?”  
  
“No way,” Jared laughs. “S’been too long, want you too much.”  
  
“Good,” Jensen grins, reaching down and taking Jared’s cock in his hand. “Me neither.”  
  
Jared moans deep in his throat. Jensen looks so incredible, all that pale, freckled skin turned shiny from the water. And his hand feels amazing around Jared’s aching erection, he strokes with just the right amount of speed and twists his wrist around the head. For a moment, Jared just gets lost in the sensation, and then he remembers that Jensen would probably appreciate being touched too, so he pushes Jensen’s hand away and wraps his own around both of their cocks.  
  
“Shit. Feels so good, Jay. Missed your hands.”  
  
“Missed your everything,” Jared returns.  
  
Jensen weaves his fingers back between Jared’s, wrapping his slightly smaller hand around Jared’s so they can jerk each other off together. The pressure is increased with both of their hands; it’s so good Jared’s trembling a little and he isn’t going to last much longer. Jensen’s free hand comes up to tangle in Jared’s wet hair, and he pulls Jared’s face back down for another passionate kiss. Jared’s so close it takes a considerable amount of effort to hold back, but for some reason he’s determined to make Jensen come first.  
  
He clenches his fist a little tighter and speeds his hand’s movements up, sliding his other hand around behind Jensen and slipping his fingers between the cheeks of Jensen’s ass so he can gently pet at his hole. He doesn’t push inside, wouldn’t without lube anyway, but he just circles the pad of his index finger around the little furled muscle a few times and that’s enough to make Jensen loose it. Jensen grunts Jared’s name as he tenses and paints Jared’s abdomen with his sticky release, immediately washed away by the spray from the showerhead. The beautiful, broken little moans Jensen lets slip and the way his hand tightens reflexively around the head of Jared’s cock has Jared tumbling over the edge too, humming happily at the little fireworks of pleasure exploding deep in his belly as he comes into Jensen’s fist.  
  
Jensen works him through it with slow, gentle strokes and kisses him languidly, sweeping over every available surface in Jared’s mouth with his tongue. When Jared’s cock twitches feebly and spurts out the last milky dribble, Jensen lets go and lets the water rinse his hand clean. Then he pulls Jared into his arms, and they stand there for a good, long minute; Jared leans over enough to rest his head on Jensen’s shoulder and lets his heartbeat slow back down. Jensen holds him tightly around the waist with one arm and lets his other hand rub soothingly up and down Jared’s back. Even just this – just hand-jobs in the shower and holding each other afterwards – is better than anything Jared’s ever done with anyone else, and he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is exactly where he’s supposed to be. He belongs with Jensen.  
  
Eventually the spray starts to cool as Jared’s hot water tank runs out, and Jensen shuts the shower off and guides Jared’s still lax body out of the stall. He hands Jared a towel and they both pat themselves dry in silence, and then Jensen takes Jared’s hand and leads him to Jared’s bed, gently pushing Jared down onto it and then climbing in after him. He stretches out against Jared’s side and pillows his head on Jared’s shoulder, and instinctively Jared wraps his arms around him. He’s still a little damp, Jared is too, and in the low light from the streetlamps outside with his skin warm and flushed from the shower, Jared doesn’t think Jensen’s ever looked so beautiful.  
  
“Hey, Jay?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“M’really sorry. About everything.”  
  
“Hey, c’mon, none of that,” Jared soothes. “It’s over, everything’s okay now.”  
  
“No, I … you need to hear this.” Jensen pushes up onto one elbow so he can look Jared in the eye. “I treated you like dirt. I strung you along and then I blew you off, all because I was stupid and scared, and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making it up to you, okay?”  
  
Jared shakes his head and brushes his fingers over Jensen’s cheek. “I forgive you. It wasn’t exactly a good couple’a weeks, but I understand. You don’t need to make anything up to me.”  
  
“You sure?” Jensen asks with a raised eyebrow. “’Cause I was sorta thinking I could make it up to you with lots more sex.”  
  
“Oh, well in that case,” Jared laughs. “And, look, I know it’s a lot, okay? It’s a lot for me too. We can go as slow as you want. We don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to.”  
  
“What do you want?” Jensen asks.  
  
Jared shrugs. “You know me. I’d rent a sky-writer if you’d let me.”  
  
Jensen snickers and smiles so wide his eyes crinkle at the edges in that way that makes Jared forget what day it is. “You are sort of a ‘shout it from the rooftops’ kind of person.”  
  
“Yeah. But it’s up to you, alright?”  
  
“I … god.” Jensen shakes his head and looks down at Jared in awe, and then he runs a hand through his short hair. “I don’t deserve you.”  
  
“Yes you do. And it doesn’t matter, anyway. You’re stuck with me.”  
  
Jensen laughs quietly. “I think I was stuck with you from the moment we met. When Eric introduced us, and you hugged me before I’d even said hello.”  
  
“You were going to be my new best friend,” Jared says, pretending it’s a completely legitimate reason when they both know it isn’t. “I decided that before I even met you.”  
  
“M’glad you did,” Jensen replies, brushing the backs of his knuckles over Jared’s cheek. Jared nudges Jensen over onto his back and rolls on top of him, kissing him soundly until they’re both breathless.  
  
“I am so in love with you,” Jensen whispers when Jared pulls away for air. His eyes are wide and glassy and Jared can see in them how much Jensen means it.  
  
“You have no idea how happy that makes me,” Jared whispers back.  
  
===

_Forever, for worse or better, my poor heart will only surrender_

===


	7. Epilogue

===

_One more last try, we’ll get the ending right_

===  
  
_Eight months later_  
  
Jared wakes up slowly, blinks himself back to consciousness with heavy eyelids and a few deep, sleepy sighs that make his whole body feel warm and comfortable. He’s still sort of half draped over Jensen; they’ve shifted around a little since they passed out last night but not really that much. Jared’s surprised – he’s always been a bit of a light sleeper and usually he tosses and turns so much that he wakes up in a completely different position than he fell asleep in. More and more lately, though, he’s been waking up still snuggled into Jensen’s arms, hardly having moved at all during the night. Jared thinks it’s kind of sweet. Kind of like his body’s finally found that something it was always missing that kept him from resting soundly. Like Jensen is who Jared’s been searching for all along, his whole life, even if he didn’t know it.  
  
Jensen stirs after a few minutes, but doesn’t wake, so Jared relaxes back into his boyfriend’s chest; letting them both drift in that delicious half-asleep-half-awake place for a little while longer. When Jensen stirs again and makes this sweet, sleepy little smacking sound, Jared grins and presses a few soft kisses to his neck. He rubs his palm in slow circles over Jensen’s stomach and nuzzles his nose into the thin skin under Jensen’s ear.  
  
“Morning,” he whispers.  
  
Jensen blinks blearily, eyes slowly focusing on Jared’s face. “Hey. Mornin’, baby,” he says softly, his voice gravelly from sleep and thick with that relaxed Texas twang that makes Jared’s insides go hot. He never really thought he’d be turned on by the fact that Jensen’s a Texas boy like Jared is, but man, is he ever. Jensen in a cowboy hat, it turns out, is quite possibly the sexiest thing Jared’s ever seen.  
  
“Sleep okay?”  
  
“Great,” Jensen answers with a smile. “You?”  
  
“Mhm.” Jared lays his head back down on Jensen’s shoulder. “Had this, uh, this dream. ‘Bout you.”  
  
“Oh yeah?” A slight smirk and genuine affection are both apparent in his voice. “What was I doin’?”  
  
“Me,” Jared says simply, and Jensen chuckles.  
  
“Kinky,” he jokes.  
  
“Guess we gotta get up soon. When’s everybody coming?”  
  
“Um … around noon I think. Game’s not till two, but we’ll hang out for a while. Watch all the pre-game stuff.”  
  
“Sounds good.” Jared shifts a little and unintentionally, the morning erection he hadn’t really noticed he was sporting brushes against Jensen’s thigh. He hisses at the contact, and Jensen chuckles.  
  
“Well good _morning_,” he drawls, his voice slipping like warm honey down Jared’s spine.  
  
“Sorry,” Jared mumbles, a tiny bit embarrassed but mostly just amused, as he buries his face in Jensen’s neck. “It was the dream. You should take it as a compliment.”  
  
“What, that I’m so gorgeous your dick wants me even when the rest of you is unconscious?”  
  
“Is that so crazy?”  
  
Jensen doesn’t answer, he just kisses Jared’s temple and then slides his hand slowly down Jared’s side, fingertips fluttering over Jared’s ribs, and then when he gets low enough he palms Jared’s left butt-cheek and squeezes. Jared smiles against Jensen’s skin as Jensen uses his grip on Jared’s ass to haul Jared on top of him, encouraging him to rock his hips down. Jared does; the dry friction of his cock against Jensen’s hip just this side of painful and absolutely perfect. He licks at Jensen’s neck while he ruts against him, little tremors of pleasure zinging up and down his spine. Jensen wraps his other arm around Jared’s neck, curling it up around Jared’s shoulders and slipping his fingers into Jared’s hair.  
  
It won’t take Jared long to get off, never does first thing in the morning, especially when Jensen pushes his fingers under the waistband of Jared’s boxers and starts petting at the cleft of his ass. He gets a finger between the cheeks and rubs gently over Jared’s hole, and Jared’s whimpers pathetically.  
  
“God, Jay,” Jensen breathes reverently. “Still all loose and slick from last night, baby.”  
  
He slides just the tip in his finger into Jared’s body, and Jared loses it, coming with a muffled grunt all over the inside of his boxers. Jensen smiles against the side of Jared’s face and kisses his cheek as Jared lets his breathing slow back to normal. He lies there for another few minutes, just enjoying the post-orgasm haze and breathing in the sweet smell of Jensen’s sleepy skin. Jensen’s relaxed underneath him, but then after a while he slides his arms around Jared’s back and holds him tight. He gets another handful of Jared’s hair and tugs it to angle Jared’s head up so they can brush their lips together. It’s mostly chaste, soft and sweet and slow, but it’s perfect.  
  
“I love you,” Jared whispers into Jensen’s lips. He’s maybe never meant it as much as he does just then. “I never … when, um, when I was with Sandy? I mean, I definitely did love her. But I thought what I had with her was what being in love is. But I was wrong, it’s … it’s this. It’s you.”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes affectionately and kisses Jared again. “You big sap.”  
  
“Can’t help it.”  
  
“I don’t mind,” Jensen answers. “Love you too. So damn much. Now c’mon, we got shit to do before everyone gets here.”  
  
“What about this?” Jared asks, pushing his thigh down into Jensen’s crotch where his dick isn’t quite soft between his legs.  
  
Jensen groans just a little. “That has a date with my right hand in the shower.”  
  
“I know a different right hand that’d be happy to help you out with it,” Jared points out, only pouting a little when Jensen shakes his head.  
  
“Later, I promise.”  
  
Jared grumbles about it, but Jensen’s right. If they start, chances are good they won’t be able to stop, and as cool as their friends have been about everything, Jared seriously doubts whether they’d be too happy if Jared and Jensen were still naked when they all showed up. So he reluctantly untangles himself from his boyfriend and heads for the bathroom.  
  
===  
  
Being with Jensen is as close to perfection as a relationship could possibly be. The last few months have been the best time of Jared’s life. It isn’t a fairy tale; Jared’s learned that the reason those are in dusty old books is because they aren’t _real_, and he stopped expecting his life to turn out that way. But it’s pretty damn close to happily ever after, and that’s more than enough for Jared. It’s silly and sappy, but Jared’s never been in love like this before. Everything he thought he felt for the other people he’s been with, he now realizes he was more or less pretending to feel the way he thought he should. But with Jensen, it’s real. Jensen’s sleepy smile in the mornings lights Jared up inside. His burnt-sugar voice wraps Jared up like a warm blanket. His lips on Jared’s skin feel like life-support – like Jared will die if Jensen ever pulls away. When he’s got Jensen in his arms, Jared never wants to let go.  
  
There’s laughter coming from the other room, peppered between broken conversations because everyone’s talking over each other. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and Jared thought it would be fun to have some friends over to watch the game with them. Besides, he figured if he and Jensen tried to watch it just the two of them, they’d probably end up ignoring it and having sex on the couch instead. That has a tendency to happen; Jared can’t remember the last time they actually _finished_ a movie. He gets as many chilled bottles of Budweiser as he can fit in his hands from the fridge, and then he pauses around the corner, just watching the frenzy of activity for a moment. Chad and Jensen’s friend Jason Manns are fiddling with the settings on the surround sound, Jensen and his other friend Christian Kane are arguing about the upcoming game, and Misha’s sitting in the corner of the couch, perched precariously and just watching everyone like he does sometimes.  
  
“The Saints totally got this,” Jensen’s saying, laughing when Chad whoops in agreement.  
  
“Never gonna happen, pretty boy,” Christian counters. “Brees is a hack, Manning’s gonna kick his ass all over that field.”  
  
“Yeah, you wish. Brees had more touchdowns this year!”  
  
“He had _one_ more! Manning threw more yards, plus the Colts have Reggie Wayne!”  
  
“The Saints have Reggie Bush!”  
  
“Just whip ‘em out and measure already!” Jason cries exasperatedly.  
  
“Don’t you dare!” Chad shouts. “There is more than enough gay in this house already, everybody keep their weapons holstered!”  
  
“You could just ask Jared how big Jensen is,” Misha suggests, and Chad groans.  
  
“Oh for the love of god! It’s bad enough that my best friend is a big fuckin’ homo now, do we really have to talk about it?”  
  
“We’re not actually homos, you know,” Jensen points out, but no one pays attention to him.  
  
“You gotta problem with big fuckin’ homos, Murray?” Christian asks, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“No. Just thought maybe we could watch some damn football without discussing what Jared and Jensen do with their collective dicks!”  
  
“What about Jensen’s dick?” Jared steps into the room, chucking as Misha and Christian crack up and Chad groans and hides his face in the arm of the chair.  
  
“Of _course_ that’s the part you’d pick up on,” Chris laughs.  
  
“Hey, ya’ll are talkin’ about my boyfriend’s junk!” Jared defends, setting his handful of beer bottles down on the coffee table and dropping to the couch beside Jensen. “It just happens to be a subject I’m very interested in.”  
  
“Okay, I’m not kidding, you _have_ to stop.” Chad rolls his eyes and grabs a beer, twisting the cap off it and taking a long drink. “This is ridiculous, we’re six guys drinking beer and watching the Super Bowl, we should _not_ be talking about cock right now! Pussy, we should be talking about pussy! And big tits!”  
  
“I didn’t know groups of grown men actually sat around talking about vaginas,” Misha comments, a hint of a smirk on his face even though his voice is totally serious.  
  
Jensen snorts. “They don’t. Chad does.”  
  
“It’s so not just me! Kane, back me up on this one!”  
  
“Much as I hate to agree with him, he does have a point,” Christian says reluctantly.  
  
“I’m clearly just in the wrong place for this conversation,” Chad complains, slumping down a little in his chair. “Two married guys and two freakin’ gays.”  
  
“We’re not gay!” Jared and Jensen say together.  
  
Jason laughs loudly. “Oh really, what would you call it, then?”  
  
“We’re … open-minded,” Jensen suggests.  
  
“You’re in a committed relationship with another dude! In what universe is that just ‘open-minded’?” Christian demands, a wide smile splitting his face. “And Murray, Misha may be married but his wife writes books about threesomes. Like, instruction manuals.”  
  
Chad chokes on a big gulp of beer; he coughs for almost a full minute before he finally clears his throat enough to answer. “_What_? Seriously?”  
  
“Seriously,” Misha grins.  
  
“Dude!” Chad cries, his eyebrows raised. “Nice pull! Always thought you were kind of a weird little fucker, Collins. Didn’t know you had it in you.”  
  
“Chad! Be nice!” Jared admonishes.  
  
“I am being nice! That was a compliment!”  
  
“Would you rather we go back to talking about the hypothetical size of Jensen’s penis and where he does or does not stick it when you two are alone?” Misha asks with a wry smile on his face.  
  
“Yeah!” Chad agrees vociferously. “Except let’s not do that, ‘cause seriously, if I end up accidentally picturing that I might puke.”  
  
“Oh, you’re such a prude!” Jason exclaims. “C’mon, they’re in love. I think it’s sweet.”  
  
“I think it’s nauseating,” Chad returns.  
  
“Besides, if we’re going to sit here pontificating on the size of anyone’s sexual appendages, it should really be Jared’s,” Misha adds matter-of-factly.  
  
Christian coughs, and then laughs loudly. “The man speaks the truth. Padalecki’s gotta be packing something pretty impressive, with that Paul Bunyan sized body and all.”  
  
Jared groans and leans into Jensen, burying his face in Jensen’s shoulder while everyone else erupts into laugher. They’re just playing, that’s just how they are, but Jared blushes even still at the blunt words. “Jen, make them stop!”  
  
“Hey, you brought this on yourself!” Jensen chuckles, wrapping his arm around Jared’s shoulders and giving him a little squeeze. “You’re the one who wanted to have a Super Bowl party. Don’t invite them next time!”  
  
“Bitch, please. I am delightful,” Chad argues around a loud burp.  
  
“You’re definitely full of something, but I wouldn’t exactly call it delight,” Chris jokes, and Chad scowls and tosses a handful of popcorn at him.  
  
“I’m not totally sure why we’re friends with any of you,” Jensen asserts.  
  
“_We_?” Chad repeats incredulously, shooting a pleading look at Jared. “What, is he speaking for both of you now? Oh god, please don’t become one of those couples. Don’t be ‘we’ people, I hate ‘we’ people!”  
  
Jensen and Misha both start talking at once, and Jason has to holler to be heard over them.  
  
“You guys, the game’s starting!”  
  
“I’m tellin’ you, man, the Colts are takin’ this one,” Christian says again. “They’ve got it in the bag, the Saints might as well pack up their shit and go home now, spare themselves the embarrassment.”  
  
“You wanna put money on that?” Jensen asks.  
  
“Hell yeah, I do. I could use fifty bucks.”  
  
“Hold onto that hope. It’ll get you through the tough times when Manning gets schooled,” Jensen says cockily, and Jared can’t help but laugh.  
  
They don’t really quiet down as the game gets underway; there’s still smack-talk and random chatter and cheering when the right team scores. Jared doesn’t really care one way or the other who wins this game, he’s just happy to have a good time with his friends and football and with Jensen’s arm still draped over his shoulders. Everybody’s joking and laughing and Jared finds himself smiling so much his cheeks start to ache. This is exactly what it’s supposed to be like – this, right here, is exactly what Jared always wanted. It’s a little cheesy, maybe, but this is how Jared always hoped his life would turn out. The whole ‘being in a relationship with another man’ thing is a surprise, but Jared’s okay with it. He loves Jensen with every cell in his body, and he’s never felt more loved in return than he does when he’s in Jensen’s arms. Their life isn’t conventional by any means, but Jared wouldn’t trade it for anything.  
  
Around the start of the second quarter, Jensen turns his head down so he can speak quietly right into Jared’s ear. “You okay?” he asks softly.  
  
“Yeah, why?” Jared replies.  
  
“You’ve just been kinda quiet.”  
  
“No, I’m – everything’s great,” Jared promises. “I’m just … really, really happy.”  
  
“Oh. Well, good. Me too.” Jensen leans forward and kisses Jared, soft and sweet, and Jared hums and melts into it. It doesn’t matter how many times he gets to kiss Jensen, every time is still just as electric as that first time was. Jared hopes that never changes.  
  
“Mother of god, they’re making out now!” Chad yells. “Somebody make it end!”  
  
“You should be grateful that’s all they’re doing,” Christian points out.  
  
“Yeah! What he said,” Jensen agrees, lifting his arm up and flipping Chad the bird over Jared’s shoulder.  
  
“I’m pretty sure they blow each other in Jared’s trailer between takes when we’re filming,” Misha adds frankly.  
  
“Oh god, we do not!” Jared cries, even though they totally do, just as Chad shouts, “Jesus Christ!”  
  
“All of you, shut up and watch the damn game!” Jensen orders. “Jared and I are try’na have a moment.”  
  
“Fuckin’ unbelievable,” Chad mutters. “Hey, you guys got any bleach? I’m gonna need to wash my eyes out later.”  
  
Jared just laughs and kisses Jensen again. If he could have it his way, he’d never stop.  
  
===

_Don’t you move, can’t you stay where you are just for now?_   
_I could be your perfect disaster; you could be my Ever After_

===


End file.
